Saturday, December 31, 2011

I will never hate to see you go.

New Year... I swear it was May just 3 days ago. Apparently it's December, and it is also the last day of the year. Its amazing how time just flies when you are having fun, and are miserable. This past 12 months was just one big blur full of emotional let downs, revealing truths, focused decision making and happiness all around. With losses and gains, the balance of this road that made up 2011, has been one to remember, and to forget. It all started in January when I learned that the night of the Little Dragon show, my friend Ayanna Bell committed suicide. That threw me for a loop. March was a heavy month. I lost a friend, and my Uncle Billy to a massive heart-attack. My friend John Strickland lost his battle with cancer. I ended up a couple of weeks later losing my job. Lost it because my "potential" was showing its ass... but, what can you do? I have had 2 other jobs since, and I ended the year jobless... I started school, and I cant be happier with that decision. Life as I know it has FINALLY begun because I am actively going for what I want to do... I am chasing a dream. I lost my Grandfather to cancer in June. It happened just before South Carolina caught the 2nd out of the College World Series final game against Florida. And the week after Thanksgiving I lost my Uncle Frank. This has bee a year of loss for me, but that's just half the story... The Good is all the friends that I have. My friends have been the greatest thing in my world. They were there to help me find a job, they were there to help me to keep motivated through school. They have paid for my beers and food, given me tickets to Braves and Falcons games, I am beyond thrilled that I have been able to have good people around me. I want to thank you all for all you have done. If it was calling to see how I was, hanging out, whatever it was. you were there, and I thank you for it. :) So now that is all out of the way, 2011 was not a great year for me, and that is evident if you know me. But because it wasn't a good year doesn't me that there wasn't plenty of good moments. I went to Athens, GA for the first time, and I saw my Gamecocks win on the road. THAT was magical. I also got to hang out with my friend and his family for the day, That was fun. Watching my cousin get married, that was great, the whole time with both families, when both sides lost someone dear to all of us, that was great. The fact that I got to be around family, was amazing. Going to Braves games, sitting out in the hot ass sun on Memorial Day, watching my friend get tazed and walk away, LITERALLY walk away from it. He was tazered, and pulled the ends out, and walked away from it... never seen anything like that in my life. THAT was amazing, Going to Opening day of the Falcons, And just being able to go to school! This year, as shitty as it was, was worth it all. So, I say to you 2011, Thanks. You made me stronger mentally, and spiritually. Although you were bad, you were probably the biggest blessing I needed. So as happy I am to see you go, One last toast to you. 2012, treat me and my family and friends good... WE ALL NEED A BREAK! :) Happy New Years, guys!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Cold Allows Me to Smile

If there was ever a time to where God commands your attention, Fall and Winter is that time. With world slowing down and sleeping after a long summer, and the beautiful blue skies, the green and lush trees and lawns, and the warm golden sun, it is around this time that when you look up into the wide expanse that makes up the sky, you can finally focus on whats there... Tonight, there is a full moon, and stars all around... If that isn't seeing God, then I don't know what is... Not a sound outside but the sureness of the quiet that makes the cold season, Only thing you feel is the cold, and there is no better motivator, in all the world than the cold. Once you feel the pain, you have to find a way to get warm, and no better way to focus on whats important at the time, than the seasons to come... It is exactly as if God is saying to us... just slow down, and rest. I love this this time of the year... It is definitely my time to slow down refocus, give thanks and praise, and enjoy the people that matter--family and friends. This is the time where the ones you love, and love you, needs you the most... This is where you find the warmth that was taken by the turning of the earth. The warmth is not electrically charged, it is within, and its within the love that you have for each other. So, for those who hates to be cold, I can understand. Being alone with no one to love can be cold and heart breaking. Something that I do not want to experience. With that said, I am thrilled, and blessed, to have the friends and family that I do. Without them, winter would be no fun. All winter would be will be a time of loneliness, despair, and hopelessness. This time of the year was made for us, not to look sexy in our winter gear, not for us to cheer religiously at our favorite teams, not for us to think about what we want for Christmas, nor what we want to do for New Years. Winter is made for us to become closer to each other as a family, and as friends. So take the time to really make an effort to see friends, and family. A handshake in passing or a hug before a nice conversation with coffee or booze, just make sure that you warm the one thing that is important-- your heart. Now do you understand why I love this time of the year?

Friday, September 30, 2011


I don't want to own animals anymore... I don't want to adopt a dog, take in a stray cat, I don't want to deal with them anymore... Do I love animals? of course I do! I love my dog, and my 2 cats, but if and when I move out of this house, I will not own an animal when I'm by myself... I'm sick of the responsibility that comes with it, and most importantly, I'm sick of hearing everyone talk about them... When did it become fashionable to talk about your dog or cat as if they are children? When did animals become more important than people? Its like everyone wants dogs and cats more than children, as if its going to be cheaper to take care of them more than one child... It appears that a dog is a lot more work than a child, but what do I know? I don't have a child, and I hate taking care of my mothers animals... but, I know, and accept that I'm in the minority in this ideology. Just because, I don't want animals, I'm not going to discourage anyone from having one, and being loving to those animals, I just don't want to ever own another one myself... I know when I have children, they may want to have one, and I will most likely get them a dog, or a cat... But now a days, I have been turned off watching everyone bring there dogs around with them, feed them anything, cause of there birthday, and treating them, as if they are the most precious thing in the world... not my style... I do not want a dog or a cat, after this... and I don't need to think about this decision. I don't want to have an animal ever again... Another reason why I don't want one one ever again, is the fact that everyone has turned into such a fan, after it became such a crime when people fought them... but in nature, animals kill other animals for food... people who fight dogs are the worse for training these dogs to do that, but, there are people who are out there who his holding his or her family hostage with mental, physical, and spiritual abuse... I don't see you going to there house, or outside of there pressers with signs... There are people who has severe depression, or addictions that need help, I don't see you going to there aid, but one a puppy has a bad haircut, there you are ready to put up a fight... ITS A FUCKIN DOG!!! I know a lot of you may read this and think that I hate animals. I don't. I love dogs and cats... again, I just don't want one anymore... Society has put too much pressure on owning an animal, that I just don't want to go through it again... Don't get me started on the ASPCA commercials with Sarah McGlothlin, and shivering animals... Owning a dog or a cat has become a religion... and I'm not a fan of it. Don't want to do it anymore. I don't want doggie play dates, or go to a groomers, or own chewed up toys, or a house that smells like animals live here... I just cant see myself ever owning another animal with all the pressures of having one, and everyone falling in love with them because of one person being the victim of being famous... I am not a fan of it at all... I am going to love the ones I have, and when I'm done with that, I don't want anymore...

Thursday, September 22, 2011

We flipped the switch

And for the second time this year, the American public is in an uproar about the judicial system of this country... Am I surprised? I definitely am not... The people who are in an uproar are the same people that elected these people to power! Come election time, instead of just voting for whoever have the better name, or whatever, actually try to learn about these people, and know how they operate... Get to know these people that are to uphold the law. If you want justice done to those who did wrong, and for those who were wronged, then make sure you elect the people who want to uphold the law. Where am I going? Well, let me start from the beginning... Casey Anthony this year, left her daughter to die, as she went to party, and she left the body to rot in the car for like 4 days or something, then went on to finally dump the body... she got off scott free... Troy Davis, was another victim of being at the wrong place at the wrong time... He was accused of killing a cop, and 9 witnesses said he did it. Convicted and was given the death penalty. And for the last year or so, people realized that this man is possibly Innocent. With 7 of the 9 people recanted on there witness, and with so many holes in the whole story, the justice system has failed in the eyes of a lot... But lets think... did it? This is from my friend who posted on my comment from earlier:

Jarrett...I will tell you that this case was under review when I worked at the Parole Board. It was when all of the execution hearings began. I also know that there is a lot of information that people are unaware of and they are only basing their opinions on what they have heard or read in the media. This case, as all death penalty cases are, was looked over by several different justice agencies. I know the current parole board members to be kind-hearted people who would not be able to lay their head down at night if they had let an innocent man die.

My friend is right... What is it that we don't know? What is it that the media is actually not telling us? What are the things that we don't know? There is more going on than what the Media wants to tell us. The media, just like us, pick and chooses what we know and don't know, and we all fall victim to it. I'm not saying, that Troy Davis is or isn't a victim of circumstance... I'm not going to say that Casey Anthony is truly innocent, or guilty... but I know that to every story, there's a side that no one brings up... And as much as it may feel wrong, that an innocent man dies, and a guilty young lady walks free, its no ones fault but ours...
As I have stated before, and often, I DESPISE politics. I don't find it enjoyable to talk about, because, everyone wants to install fear when talking about it... "If we don't elect this person, this will happen!" Well, what if we do elect that person, and that person doesn't come through? Sounds familiar right now, don't it? "CHANGE" was suppose to happen... we appear to be in the same river of shit as before... Only thing that changed was the color of the leader... you got what you asked for. So, how do we combat the problem that we face now? How do we make everything work for us? How do we get the system to work for us all? Its a really simple idea... fallow me here... Instead of electing something different because of color, lets elect the right person for the job. I don't care if you agree with all of there ideals, or choices, lets elect the best person for the office. If someone has a great idea to have families get a discount on everything, but is a satanist and hates life as a whole, but the other guy is just the opposite in everything the satanist believes in, Id vote for the guy who best fits what I believe, even if its not the most popular... I know the example is really out there, but it gets you thinking...
Lets go back in time... lets go back to 2009. This is when I first learned of the war in Mexico that is killing kids, separating families, and drawing more Mexicans to come to our country in fear of there lives and families lives... Since the all the Cartels in Mexico has corrupted the country. Officials, and police officers were bought off, while these assholes run the streets of Mexico, killing families, having out right wars in the middle of the streets. Innocent kids are catching grenades, and men and women are being enslaved to work for these creeps, just so that Hippie McIwannagethigh, gets his fix... The selfishness lies in the people who wants to legalize any drug. People are living in Anarchy, so we can get high... How fuckin selfish are you!? We all want to march and be upset about human rights, and equal rights in THIS country, but not in the world... No wonder a lot of the athletes before the Summer Olympics didn't want to participate... people were moved out of there homes, and they were destroyed for the whole Olympic village and stadiums to be built... that's fucked up! But whats more fucked up is that we all want to get a high that we will never achieve, EVER again... We also, like to bullshit ourselves into thinking that its "so good for us." Its not only destroying a country, its destroying our lives, AND our families... But we don't care about them, unless we get what we want-- that yay! that sticky icky! that snow, that powder, that blow!
Another innocent man dies, another guilty person walks free...
When will the cycle stop? When will we all just finally take it upon ourselves to stop the marching, and the protesting, and actually get off of our asses and actually CHALLENGE the system that we put ourselves in? When will we finally learn from the mistakes of our dumbass choices? When will be finally wise up in life? Is it too late to? If anything we need to learn from this year of bullshit, is that we need to CLEAN IT UP!!! Again, I am not going to go around and telling you who to vote for, but I will tell you to be wise in your choices... ACTAULLY DIG IN AND FIGURE OUT WHO THE FUCK YOU WANT TO BE YOUR LEADER!!!
The only way that things will change is if we do it all with a clear and sober mind, and actually do some research... wait. Im starting to repeat myself... goodnight.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


I don't know where to begin, or even how to begin when it comes to this subject, but I will try my best to convey my feelings about it all, in a respectful manner all around... Before I continue, I will let you know, that this will be a very rare blog for you to read. this is probably the only time you will see me use this word as many times ever. I don't use words that I don't like... I like the word "hate," cause its a genuine emotion. I don't like the word "stupid." but, I use it as an adjective to an adjective... usually yelling at an athlete when I use it, saying "YOU STUPID SHIT!" so, its not a good word, but I do use it... But the one word that I use VERY little, although, society, in this modern pop culture says that "I have all the rights to use it." I am just not a fan of the word, or the attitude that it carries... Why is it for one group of people to use the word, but not for everyone? Its becoming more common place and its starting to loose its sting amongst the masses... With rappers and black actors using the world in there everyday, it makes it hard for this generation to not know how far we have come to try to avoid that word ever being used... But now a days, its just common place.

Nigger is a dirty word. It didn't start off as a dirty word, because, it was a tree that was difficult to cut or break. But it was used back when the slave boats came all the way from over here to over there, and that's how they described the Africans that they traded for... And over the centuries, it became common place, and when you're out numbered, you had to take it... But as the revolution began, that word started to offend... and somewhere after Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated, and when rap went mainstream to the shit that it is now a days... and you look at any face, and they can say the word "nigger" with no worry of consequence... Well, back in August, my friend experienced being called one for the first time... didn't sit well with him... it wouldn't have been an issue, if he wasn't making an ass of himself throughout the time we were where we were... So, story is, he had some white guy start pointing at him, and saying "I want a piece of that little nigger there." cops were called, another buddy was tazed, walked away, and everyone who held on to any sobriety, was embarrassed... we laugh now, but still... its not a laughing matter, when you're offended...

By the way, in any form you want to put it "Nigga, Nigra, Nigg, Wigger," its all going under the same title as "nigger." And that word has been put out there for everyone to use. Like I stated in the first paragraph, You watch any most black movies, or Quinton Tarantino film, Listen to any rapper who isn't white, except for Kid Rock (listen to the song "Black Chick, White Guy"), the word is prevalent... Its amazing, that we like to fight for freedom of speech with words as "nigger," but when it comes to talking about Christ, you cant say SHIT! Bring up Jesus, its offensive... but you say the word "nigger" its funny... I can count on my fingers and toes, and run out of all, to count how many times I've heard the word "nigger" come out of my co-workers mouths... directed to me, indirected to me, either way... what is now common place, is REALLY OFFENSIVE!!! But, like I tell people, I see myself as a rock at the bottom of the river... I take shit and just allow it all to hit me. I just stand there and take it... When I was called a nigger directly, it was after I saved this guy from getting his ass stomped by the entire bar... he said something about gays, and how they allow them in here, and over heard by a friend of mines, and it got heated, and Kelvin was on the bar, and then the girls went behind the bar, and the guys are trying to hold Kelvin back, and I'm trying to step in the way so these fucks could get out in one piece, and when he was in the parking lot, he goes off and starts saying "they allow fags in that bar! Fuck this place!" then he looked at me, after I saved him from being beaten down, and says "Fuck you too, nigger!" I just laughed, cause, you can call me everything you want under the sun, but if you call me that, and you proceed to try to put your hands on me, that's when shits going to end with everybody upset...

But, the same goes for people who use the words "faggot, and little people (yes. little people is an offensive term for me, because, the scientific term that is used is midget)" If you use the words out of context, then its wrong no matter how funny it may be. and that goes for everyone... Black, white, red, brown, yellow, whatever shade of human you are, you should never use anything to offend. it just shows weakness on your part... If you cant find a way to piss someone off outside of being offensive, then you have not real reason trying to be rebellious... and as humans, we cant become one body, when we are all trying to drag each other down to the same level of shit... Using the word "nigger," holds us back 12 years... we need to move forward as a people, and start being uplifting in love, and not generically calling us difficult to be with or around... I just dropped some knowledge on you... goodnight.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Preaching, and The Soapbox

I know I'm not perfect, and God knows, that I don't ever want to try to be perfect... But, since Ive finally got past my writers block, and actually can think now, Ive realized  a lot about people... We all want to have everyone else believe in what we believe... Be it food, beer, alcohol (there is a difference, fuck you), music, books, education, whatever... we all have your different stances on them all... I don't discriminate against food. I choose to eat what I want to eat, and I don't eat what I don't like to. I gag when I eat potatoes, when not in fry or tot form... I like veggies, but I don't eat them all the time. I drink way too much soda, and that's going to catch up to me if I don't stop soon, but you know, its all my choice! I can do whatever I want, and live with the consequences with my decision to go left or right, in whatever issue. Beer is good. Liquor is REALLY good... And I do enjoy both, and I don't go overboard often when I do drink. Its a fun thing to do. Its a great tool of social gatherings... It makes you meed a lot of great individuals that you would have never gotten to know, and love... But that's not what I'm blogging about... that was all an example of how bad it has gotten, when people stand on there soapboxes to preach to the world there beliefs... I am a Christian. I believe that Jesus died for the world, and saved us from the wrath of God through His sacrifice. I am humbled every day knowing that God loved me enough to give me the most dangerous gift, any higher power would give creation--free will. Oh... Ive mentioned this before? I'm sorry. but, I'm staying all that because people like to bring up the fact that Christians are the only ones who think they are high and mighty... Not quite true... see, a lot of people of... lets call it... alternative faiths or beliefs (those who don't believe in some form of a higher power) have something to say about us that do... so, if I tell you that there is one, and you say that there isn't, and you're going on and on and on about it, isn't that the same thing as me going on and on and on about the opposite thing you believe or don't? I'm just saying, if you wanna have a disagreement, go in with an open mind, and not with just some facts that you believe to be true... If I give you the time of day to listen to your bullshit, I think the same amount of time and respect should be paid, when I give you a spat about my bullshit... Cause, if anything, lets agree to disagree, and actually leave each other with some sort of respect, and no type of hate or discourse cause of our different views on life... That's hard to do in todays' media saturated world... with YouTube, and Twitter, and Facebook, we all can just go on and on about "what doesn't make us happy" and post it on our many different pages, and agree with one mans opinion and have an opinion of another that we disagree with. Its a fucked up roller coaster... I believe that we, as a country, needs to pay more attention about whats going on in our country, than we need to pay attention about the government overthrows in the Middle East. Not a popular opinion, but the popular opinion of "witnessing history" doesn't make me a bigger history fan, than what I am now... There I go back on my soapbox again! DAMMIT!!! I can't get off! but anyways, just think about it... if anything, just try to find some sort of common ground to at least be friends, and not enemies, in ALL aspects of our lives... Why do we go to bars? We all like drinking right? Why do we cheer for our teams? Cause we all love them right? Why do we all hate or love our jobs? Cause that's something we have in common to keep us all to be the same... We all have to find and appreciate, the things that we BOTH like, as friends or enemies to keep the peace in life. Now, I'm getting off of my soapbox... Good night.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Life. Life. Life.

I'm starting to finally get the meaning of life... Life is learning. Everyday you grow, either physically, or mentally, or spiritually, or all the above... And this year, I have grown so much. Some lessons comes later than others, but all the while, you have to constantly look up and ask, "What am I to learn from this?" Life, is just gaining lessons all the way up til its time for you to go. And, to be honest with you, I hate the term "No Regrets." I do. How are you to grow without learning from your mistakes? With everyone, thinking that you can just live life, without remorse, or with no consequence to your actions, You're going to be left wondering where life went... I just lost my grandfather tonight, and although we weren't as close as I would have liked, my family is my family, and they are the one thing in this world, that I know I can fall back on. But, all the same, life should be celebrated, and mourned. Mourned for the fact that all the work, we could have done to make our loved ones better was all for nothing, and celebrated, because, they did a hell of a job to make us the people that we are today. Without the ones we laughed with, fought with, verbally or physically, took punishment from, allowed us to grow mentally, and spiritually, while giving us leeway to make our way, we would be just lost, and without a reason to move on to be better individuals. Could I be a different person if my dad was in my life more? Sure! Could I be different if I was more vocal? Of course! But, I am who I am, because of the lessons that I learned on the way, to this point. And lovingly, the lessons I got, got me to this point so far. Thank God. The people I love and the people that I need the most, are the greatest gift that I am blessed to have. That includes friends and family. THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is the meaning of life.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

From The Bottom Of My Heart.

Sleepless nights like the one, I had tonight, is just an indication that, something bigger is about to happen for me. With the shitty year that I have been having so far, it couldn't come at a better time. With a fire getting under me, to finally do something with myself, it was the greatest decision to ride out this river of shit, called misery. With family, and friends, and complete strangers praying for me, I can now start to feel them working, as life begins to turn around. I hope... But before, I can really start to feel the affect of happiness, I feel as if I need to get a couple of things off my chest... And, its not what you think. Its not even one of those things where I am asking for you to listen to how I hate life right now, or how, I wish that life was different, no! Yes! I do hate life, and I wish that life was different. But I am here to say to everyone that I love, dislike, hate, mistreated, under appreciated, over appreciated, took advantage of in whatever form, annoyed, talked about, laughed at, laughed with, cried over, cursed, lied to, and broke promises to that I am truly sorry.

In my 28 years of living on this planet that holds 2 promises, rotation and death, It took me til now to honestly have the courage to look into the mirror, and in my heart to know that, I need to make room for the new, and getting rid of the old. And most of the old, is all these memories that I cant seem to shake. The moments that I am embarrassed about ever happening, is whats keeping me up at night. The mistakes, and the lies, and the wanting to be the victim, is all getting in the way, and is holding me down... So who's first to apologize to? How about the people that are the closet to me? My family.

To my Mom, my Dad, my Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins, and my beautiful little sister, I am sorry. I'm sorry for not calling more often, or coming around more often, and just appearing to not give a fuck. I do. I do care about you, and what you mean to me as an individual. I love y'all so much, and I don't know if I will ever be able to truly express my joy of being apart of the exclusive groups that I was born into. But, I do love you, and I do want to be a bigger part of the family. I cant promise you that I will start showing my face more, but, I just want you to know that I love you, and that I appreciate all the prayers, and the thoughts. I know that I have under achieved in my life, but, thank  you for being my biggest fans.

To my friends back home in South Carolina. Where do I begin to start my apology? I don't know... I guess I can start by admitting that I was an asshole... Ive allowed my ignorance to get the best of me, and I allowed my wants to become bigger than my love and appreciation for you. The jokes we shared, and the multiple laughs, not to mention the sweat, and the good times on the gridiron, just goes to show that, you will ALWAYS have a place in my heart, in my mind and in my soul. Thank you for opening your doors, hearts and arms to me. Thanks for taking, and ignoring my many phone calls, and I'm sorry for wasting your gas as you went back and forth to pick me up from my grandmas house... OH! and whatever trust I may have severed, I don't blame you as well.

To my friends here. I am blessed to be in this industry, blessed, to fall in love with so many different souls, and I thank you for the multiple nights full of laughter, but I know that I may have pissed some of you off with saying something, gesturing something, or even not doing something. I am sorry. The way I acted around you when I was/am going through the last 4 months of life has been personally unacceptable, but, through it all, you have been there, and you have accepted me, and I am grateful. But I am really, and truly sorry, for my actions, towards you, if I offended you in any way. Y'all mean the world to me, and I don't want to loose any of y'all.

I feel better... I haven't, and will not go into anything super personal, but for those friends and family members that I have done wrong deeply, I am very very sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you that way, or any way for that reason. Life would be different for all of us if my actions was different, but, I do love you, and I am truly sorry.

With all that said, I think I can finally move on in life. I can begin to feel better and allow my life to flourish. I just have to be more aware of my surroundings and actions, and I will grow... As life continues, and I try to stay afloat, and move on in this river of shit called life, I can feel better about myself as a person who's trying to make an impact in the world. I love y'all dearly. Thanks for allowing me to be apart of your lives.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Negative Minus Subtraction

Being positive is a burden, it seems. But, this is all a part of the test, that is... This sucks so much. Being in this position, that, I wasn't expecting to be thrown in, and it seems that the best medicine is to be negative. It seems as if everyone is suppose to be on this all-happy, the world is great type of mentality. But what does this over-exposure to happiness teaches us? Teaches us the delusion of positivity... Not to be a debbie downer (pun SO intended), but life isn't real, unless you go through some shit, and lucky me, Ive gone through a TON of it, and still am. And, I find it easier to just be depressed, than to "go out and make something of yourself!" Sometimes, its just easier to just allow life to go full circle, before trying to make it all better... as much as I would like to have a new career/job, its probably easier for me to just stay where I am and just wait all of this out... searching, has become fruitless, and full of nothing at the end, so, I will just count my small blessings in misery, and just continue to live life, as if it will, eventually, get better. Its easier, than straining myself to get to the top... Ill just stay here. I'm content. for now... things may change in a week, or a month, or even later in the year... but, right now, all I want is to just get through this. So, if I don't smile, or laugh, or seem or appear happy, I'm not. How long will this last? Not sure... Would I like for this to end soon? YES! But, I'm willing to just try to make it through. So, here we go, through tunnels, and rain.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Next Step... GO!!!

Life has decided to throw, yet, another curveball, and again, I walk to the dugout that is, this LONG UNFORGIVING GAME, that we all know, love and hate equally... This week, I haven't made $30 bucks yet, and I'm slowly going into debt, and I feel that I'm backed in a corner... Life, this year, just sucks assholes and balls... the year isn't even half over, and I'm so ready for the next year... I know things will be a lot better by then. hopefully... So, what am I going to do with myself? I'm going to school... if I'm not going to make money, I need to do something with my time, that doesn't require me sitting on a computer all day, waiting for the work day to begin, and go through the motions, to where I wait around for 3 hours before the first table comes in. I need to do something that requires for me to do something all day, to expand, not only my mind, but my social life, and maybe drop a pound or 100... I have learned that God helps those who help themselves, and I'm going to help myself, with something other than dreams... Action! Gotta do something. I have been sitting around just getting fat, and even more unhappy the more I think about it... I have to break through this invisible wall of fear that I somehow built with laziness... and now, it's time to quit being me, and start becoming me. I guess this is what Ethan was talking about when he claimed that I have "too much potential for this place." Well, unfortunately for a lot of us... our potential comes later in life, and never within the crunch of the 18 years where we want to be what we dream, and never what we have to accept as reality... I think I know what I finally want to do with myself... took me 10 years, and wasting money to go to a small automotive school, but I think I got it... so, fuck the world, fuck my world, and Imma step out for a breath of fresh air... excuse me.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Smiles Shouldn't Be Heavy.

In a year full of death, confusion, hurt, and devastation, Ive met my fair share of nice people, assholes, and seen people turn from and to. With all that has happened in the past 4 months, I can say, that it has not been a great year... But, of all the days that I could have put an honest smile on my face, today was it. Tables all day, and, running into old friends, it was as if things were trying to turn itself around... Before I get into the meat of this blog, I have to tell you this... I don't care if you believe, or if you don't, or you're confused, got questions or anything... I KNOW the power of God and the blessings that happened today ALONE, made it all worth while at the end. In the book of Job, Satan went to God, and made a bet (for lack of a better term) with God, that His most faithful servant would fall, and curse His name... So, with permission, God allowed Satan to fuck Jobs' world UP!!! His house, his kids, and his crop and livestock, all destroyed, and his wife left him... And he got sick. So, when God Gave permission, Satan took FULL advantage... And all the while, Job remained faithful. And just like the bible is, its a book of examples of how life is shitty, but God stays faithful to whats His... So, with that said, I have been in the same boat. I lost a good friend. I lost another good friend to Cancer. I lost an Uncle to a heart attack. I lost my job, I almost got kicked out, I am broker than our economy, And my Grandfather is dying of Cancer... This year has NOT been the greatest, as we all know from the last few blogs... But, tonight, was just the crack in the wall. A table that I was serving, was a couple, in there mid to late 40's and, they came in for a burger and beer. Super nice, real simple, and before they ate there food, the Gentleman, who's name I never got, asked "Whats your name?" I told him, and he said: "Well, Jarrett, is there anything that we could pray for you about?" And it took me a second, and I told him, " Just for a better year." And instantly, I just felt better... I know that life is to do what life does, and that's to be full of ups and downs, and happy times, and sad times... But you have got to keep living, and keep moving. Cause, if you have it bad, someone has it better, and someone else has it a hell of a lot worse... So, I don't know where I stood, but I know, that I was sent 2 souls who cares about me, and don't know who the hell I am. That made me feel so much better... It makes you realize that life is just a feather... you just have to let it float on. So, just that small act of kindness, really didn't make me look at them as if its any other table... they could have tipped me 2 cents, I wouldn't have cared, cause, there hearts were big enough to make me smile, a real smile for the first time in a while. And seeing several familiar faces was amazing as well. Tonight was a good night. And things, seem to start turning around for the better... Thank God. So, to those who pray for those, keep praying... you don't know who's day you will make. You don't know who's life you will touch. A smile, a hug, all works too, but, something about prayer... wow. It just feels good. :) Genuinely happy over here. Good night y'all.

Friday, June 3, 2011

its been too long

Hey guys. I'm sorry again about the delays. life, just generally sucks now a days... I'm working a shitty job, I'm not even making enough money to really survive... And, today alone, I have been job searching... Everything is automated now a days, and when they tell you to go on the websites, they lead you to some bullshit, to where, they don't need your ass... its fucked up... but, this is my goal... I DO NOT EVER want to work in the food industry again. I'm honestly done with it. I lost my love for it... I have got to do something else with myself other than that. So, I'm looking for something else... Its not going to be easy, but, I'm doing the best I can... when times are tough, you have to do things you hate doing like, what I'm doing right now... And that's sitting in a library, trying to find something that's available job wise... even, get up and get out, and try to find a job... But, it has to be done, and that's what I'm doing. If you haven't read any of the last few blogs, you know that life has just generally sucked Satan's asshole for me. And this year, isn't even half done... I know that something bigger than me is about to happen, but, the one thing, that I'm known for, is being pushed to the limit, and that is my patience. I am now learning that patience isn't just waiting around. Its more getting up and doing something with yourself... Cause, blessings will come for sure... but sometimes you just have to put forth an effort to find what it is, you're looking for, or even want. so, that's how life works. You have to put forth an effort, even a small one, to get whats coming to you. I guess, more or less, I'm still not over all of it, but, I'm trying. But, I just wanted to send you an update on my life, and let you know whats going on, and I hope to have a computer up and running very soon. And, hopefully by July, Ill be able to do this again, and get all of you readers back on my blog. Thanks a lot guys for your prayers, thoughts, and good luck, you've sent me over the past few months. It hasn't gone unnoticed.

Friday, April 1, 2011

"And When Adversity Come Again, I'll Deal With It Then."

So, Im back, for a little update on life... As far as Im concerned, March, can lick my ass... I am so done with it, and Im glad that its April finally, so, I wont have to go through the shit, that I went though ever again... Loosing my Uncle Billy, my friend John Strickland, and my job, I've finally found a small way to make myself feel better. At least, a little better... I found a job, and... its ok... its not in Decatur, and its corperate, but, its something... Im just holding out hope for another job, but, you know, if anything, I got something that makes me feel a little better... Something to kinda take my mind off of the bullshit that happened, earlier this month... as I have mentioned in my last blog... The only thing that I wish I did, was take a little bit more of a break, but, bills, wouldnt allow me to break... I needed a job... :shrugs: what can you do right? So, after finally getting the job, I now realize that, Imma have to get more money somehow... And what sucks is the fact, that getting over the loss of such a great job, is going to take a lot longer than one would expect... Its ok though... The Good Lord provided me with this one, and He will provide me with something else... But at the same time, God may be preparing me for something bigger than what I think is the biggest thing out there... Who knows right? Anyways, this blog stemmed from a song, that, I really love from Gnarles Barkley, called "A Little Better." It talks about, just making it, and fighting to keep what you have thats dear to you--sanity. It's what makes the ones who are not famous, out to be... the ones who seen shit, felt shit, and knows how to, not only deal with shit, but to get through shit... And to actually be thankful of the things that ones would usually be ashamed of, but, not, because, they did it for show, but, lived through it... And, right now, that song, is who I am right now... Im just making it... and I am feeling "a little better." Thank God. Good night.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Lets Talk About Emotions... Shall We?

Hey guys!!! Ive missed ya! :) I honestly have... I do apologize for the delays of blogs, but, my computer (which, I am not on now), decided to say "Im not going to work for you anymore, you fat fuck!" and, I literally lost everything on the my computer, as it decided to reset itself... yay me! But, my last blog, was dedicated to my friend who committed suicide... And then, it just feels as if, life, has been just one big bomb after another... So, I will tell you this. This blog will be long. I will be updating life, since February 1, 2011, and just keeping you infromed from then, to now, and what I hope to have accomplished in the near future... so, bear with me, sit back, get a bag of doritos, and enjoy. HERE. WE. GO!

Well, I am now 1 year older. I turned 28, back on on the 19th of February, and that night, turned out to be one that ended in regret, but, Thats what I was hoping for... You always gotta set a goal. Mines, happen to er to get the one regret out of the way. One a year... something to focus, and keep yourself from being too big for your own damn self. So, after that, Iwent through the rest of the month, trying... TRYING to save money for Canada... But, with work, and bills, its hard to hold on to a little bit of money. With that said, I am very happy to have been better at saving money. Im doing pretty good I think... Well, that was The rest of that month, NOW let me tell you all about March...

This has, by far, been the toughest time Ive ever experienced in my life. With Emily, loosing her father on the morning of March the 5th, that was a tough blow. Why? Because on February 28th, that monday, There was a huge benefit helf to help with her fathers mounting hospital bills... Friends and family of John Strickland were all there, to just be able to love on him... unfortunately, yet fortunately, we all got to say and have out peace with him, before, he died... Its amazing how God works, cause, his son, came into town to suprise him the The day before he died... So, it has definiately been a stretch of time, that was purely emotional, and awe inspiring... The Memorial service was held for John, at Twain's It was full to the brim, of people who knew, and loved John. I was just blessed to work that night, to share, and feel the love of the Strickland Clan... That was on held on the 9th of this month... On March the 7th, I recieved some bad new, about a loss in my family. The family, that shares the same genetic line as I, family... I woke up to a text from my cousin, saying, that our Uncle Billy died of a massive heart attack. He leaves behind my Aunt Rabbit, and there 2 boys, Simon and Solomon. It has definitely been a very emotional 2 weeks, for me... That stretch of time, was never something I would ever wish for anyone to go through... But wait! This story gets better, and leads me into the title...

So, on Monday March 14th, 2011, I recieve a text from Emily, mentioning that all meetings are still on as scheduled... So, at 4pm, March 15th, I went in, and with a new facial hair do, and wishing Happy Birthday to her, I learned that I was being "fired." Didn't use the term "let go," no... FIRED. And I learned that I was not the only one being let go... The reason for my "firing" is because he feels that "I have too much potential for this place." and, All the while, I am thinking, as if this was all a joke. So, when, I was given the option of finishing out the week... I definitely took it, cause, again... I THOUGHT THAT IT WAS ALL A JOKE! But, on Wednesday March 16th, I learned that it was real, when I over heard a convo held by her, and another individual... So, once, I learned that it was real, I was DEVASTATED!!!

So, now, we are to the meat of this blog, and live as of now... I have learned in the past 5 days, that devastation is a collection of more than 6 different emotions. In this time, of learning of my firing, I went through disbelief, worry, depression, sadness, anger, betrayal, hurt, shock, and "that unexplainable, feeling, that is nothing short of what I think, and interprate "devastation" to feel like. Pure devastation literally feels like what I think a football would feel like on kickoff... once you're in the air, only got knows where, and when, and now you are coming down... sometimes, you get caught, sometimes, you get dropped, and sometimes, you got all the way out of bounds... but, that few seconds of air-time you just feel like you dont know what the fuck is going on... And, all the while, youre thinking of all the things that you did for one person, and try to make the situations better, and you're just coming up with all the times, you displayed love to the ones who ultimately hurt you so deeply, all the times, you've asked me to step it up, all the times, Ive stayed late, been fucked over, and still smiled, and laughed and hugged for 3 years... and shared millions of laughs, at thousands of bad jokes, and shared loved... All just boils to, this feeling, that I literally never felt ever, in my life... Devastation kills souls.

So, how is one to act while devastated? Well, I decided to drink a lot... A LOT! A lot, even for me... so, if you saw me on March 16-19, and I was talking a lot about all the drinking I did, and was planning on doing, I do apologize, for spilling out my guts about my feelings, about the events that happened this past week... It has been so hard to actually try to center my feelings about the entire thing, cause, I was literally kicked in the mouth of my heart. Cause, like mentioned in the last paragraph, Ive shared so much of who I really am with these people, that I still love, although I was thoroughly wronged by. So, playing out my interpertaion of this emotion, may have not been the healthiest, but, its what I did, and what Im healing from... My heart has dealt with a lot in the past 3 weeks, and I just know that God got my back. I will be alright... Ive already recieved so many job offers, that, its just a matter of choosing where I wanna work... So, Imma be ok. And I will be alright, to find jobs for friends who need it more than I. For example... On Friday, a friend of mines, who the bar manager at my favorite bar in Midtown, offered me a job on the spot... and, I politely declined, cause, my friend Sara, was in more of a need of a job than I ever will be... not saying that to say, that I will never have trouble finding a job. Who knows, I may end up having a very hard time finding one... But, she needed a job more than me, so I asked my friend to offer her the job... As of March 21, 2011, Sara will be working in The Atlantic Grille. And, it feels good to help those who needs it... She needed it, I have the pleasure, of being a great server, with a big heart, so, getting her a job at one of my favorite places, makes me feel great. but, I was still hurting...

March 20, 2011, was the hardest day to deal with in my life, so far... The day of my Grandmother Rubys' funeral, wasnt this hard... Anyone, and everyone knows, that I am a damn good, and damn hard worker... But, when you have the motivation, of being fired for no reason... Im sorry, no REAL reason, it kinda makes it hard, to wan to leave it better... Whats going to happen, Imma get a phone call from someone telling me to come in and sweep the game room? Whats gonna happen... Imma get fired (HA! IM FUCKIN FUNNY!!!)? But, it was the hardest night of my life... Ive never shared a collective moment of unhappiness, of the unexplained events, that lead to the loss of employment of me, an 5 of my family members. My now former co-workers were my family. Although we may have had our disagreements, our moments of love, laughter, and great times, and the stories. All my memories, will last, but, will not have the same feel, like it has been, when, I thought, I was loved... I do hope Imdoing a good job, but IM trying my best to express my anger without being angry... IM trying to maintain my appreciation of the last 3 years, that I gave to this company, and have invested into everyone who was proud to work there... The people, I've encountered, the beautiful lives that Ive had the privilage to fall in love with, all, were just taken back to an emotion to where, its a smile, and not a smile and a laugh... you take away the laugh, all youre left with is, what feels like lies. That night, between the hugs, and the hurt, and the tears, I finally broke down. Early Monday Morning, March 21, 2011, I broke down into tears, asking "What did I do to deserve this?! What the FUCK DID WE DO!" And after a shot of Whiskey, and the love that Tyler showed me, by just listening, I finally got out my feelings of this whole week, and this whole year... I broke down, and I told the stories, of what I dont know, And the bullshit answer I got in my meeting... The passionate love and hurt that Scott showed me and Powell, The drilling of Emily by another family member, to get some sort of explaination of what the fuck is going on, And the tears out of another, displaying his hurt of the whole situation. Its been a journey, that I do not wish my worst enemy to ever experience...

So, what did I learn through all of this? Ive learned, that the people that you love, should definiately be checked... If there was actually some sort of honesty, and transparency, that, they preached, This whole blog would be in a different tone, and probably a hell of a lot shorter... But, to be devastated, the way that I was over something, that I probably will never know the HONEST TRUTH of, I am honestly left with a bitter taste in my mouth. I am not happy with how this whole situation happened, and, like I mentioned earlier... God will provide... he has provided me with that job, and he will provide me with something better, with people who will be real with me. Its definately been a hurricane of emotion for me, and I do not ever want to experienced EVER again. Make sure, that you know who are the people who will be real with you, regardless of the situation. Allow your employers to be real with you. Make sure that they are... As you can tell, Im not going to get into the details of all that I've learned, during this entire time of difficulty, but, I can tell you, that I will never look at those people the same way. As appreciative I am to have loved them, and recieve the love they gave me... Its gonna take a TRUE minute to show my face around there again. And to the rest of my family, Thank you for allowing me to fall in love with you. You will never go unloved for a long as I live...

And to end this blog (finally lol), I just want to thank EVERYONE who has loved me during this time. It will be rewarded, you've all seen me, at my most confused, most hurt, most sad, most depressed, and you were all there for me. God only knows, the depth of appreciation and love I have for yall... This was not an easy week, and not an easy way to end the month, but, just like with anything, life continues, and you just have to keep pressing forward. One particular friend of mines, was one of the most impactful in helping me through all this. Emma Shew, 3 years ago, was going through a hard time, and, I spontainiously written a poem to her, that she turned around to help me out through this... And it did... so, I share it with you now.

"I was sitting down and thinking how I could make it all better
But what I came up with, appeared to be a myth, and would hold the weight of a feather.
So with this little poem, I just want you to know, that All will be much better
As soon as you allow, what happened to somehow, turn into that feather."

Such is life... I cant promise Ill be on regularly, but, Im just so relieved to finally get it out. :) HAPPY READING GUYS!!!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

ever wonder whats beyond the harizon?

Its always something SMALL that will get you out of the funk that you're in... As most of you know, last week, I lost a friend who was dear to me in my life... We weren't close, but, her impact on me, was definitely felt, and wont be forgotten... But, through the week, of questioning, and all that, I had my relief today... It came in the form of seeing a friends name pop up in one of my many ways of communicating... This friend of mines, is honestly an angel. And God sent her at the right time. :) It was a short conversation, just a catch up really... She let me know, how life was for her, I told her how life was for me, but, we had something in common, yet again, and it was beautiful, cause, It made life easier to deal with, in the since of getting over the loss, and just allowing life to move on... Cause, the best way to honor the dead, is to live your life to the fullest. and that may be in the same vein, as moving on, as being inspired through tragedy, as being willing to motivate yourself to be better in all ways possible... But, it only takes a small spark to set a forest on fire... Don't go off, and start setting forest fires, but, the metaphor is break out of the funk, and find a reason to smile, and move on. :) Its about time I made lemonade... cause, the lemons were piling up. Good night :)

Thursday, January 27, 2011

"Tell Me What Led You On, I'd Love To Know"

Heavy hearts leads to heavy emotions. It's has been a journey to try to wrap my head around the loss of a good friend of mines... I learn of this loss after I woke up Wednesday afternoon, and all I felt, before, was an unexplainable emotion of peace and excitement, after enjoying a night of witnessing for the first time, one of my new favorite bands play live, Little Dragon. It was so wonderful to enjoy good music live again... its been a minute since I went to a concert, and it was what my soul needed. But what I didn't need was the sad news of knowing that a friend of mines, with an award winning smile, died... As far as I know, it was an apparent suicide that took her life, but, I want to hold out hope that its not true... Maybe it was an accident, or it was an asshole who did it, and made it look like she did... I don't know how she went, but, I know that Its not easy to fathom the fact, that such a great woman, and friend, is dead... Its never easy to grasp the reality of death... I knew for 2 years, that my grandmother was going to die, but the day she died, wasn't easy, nor was the funeral... I tried to hold it together, but when my cousin started crying, I lost it... Saying good-bye is never a good day... Saying good-bye is never a good feeling... Saying good-bye is never easy, but it is what it is... God knows what He's doing when days like this occur. Its just so hard to believe that for a life with such a testimony of God's goodness, was too hard to handle anymore... I wonder what goes through the minds of those who's ready to end it all? Is there no tomorrow? Is there no way of seeing the impact that you had on the world by carrying a smile, or a good joke? Do you visualize the impact of making the conscious decision to end it, and what it could do to the ones that loves you? Like I have mentioned before in other blogs, I fight with depression, and I do have the occasional suicidal thought, but, no matter how low I may feel, or how shitty things turn out to be for me, I cant fathom allowing the world to win... But, who knows. I say that now, but, what about the next time? Will I have the strength to continue? Will I have the reasons to live? Or will, that time, be the time that push me to painlessness, peace, and rest in the arms of God? I do not EVER want to get to that point, but, God may test me, and see  how much I can take... I can take a lot I know, but, I don't know if I can take whats it store, but you know? I hope I do. What is something I learned in this tragedy? Ive learned to make sure that the loved ones know that you love them. You don't have to say it, but they just need to know. I could be through a hug, it could be through just hanging out, it could be through a shared laugh, or even a pat on the back, but you have got to allow those to know that you love them. If you don't love yourself, then find a reason to love that thing that everyone else either loves about you, or doesn't. Cause in the end, you are all that you have in this world. That, and the faith you place in whatever it is, that is your higher. You just have to allow yourself to see through today. Although, its not promised to ANY of us, tomorrow is brand new. Allow tomorrow to be a motivation to just make it through the pain and the heartache you feel right now. If you are on the brink, try to find a way to get it out... Just allow your talents to flourish... Why do you think I made this blog? I made it to keep my sanity, and to advance my love of writing. But, with heavy hands, and heart, I say to Ayanna Bell, I love you, and I thank you for the impact you have made on my life. You were intricate in my spiritual development, and I cant wait to see you again, But until then, rest in peace, hun, and my the Good Lord hug all the pangs of life away, and you enjoy eternity, and the beauty that I imagine it has. I will miss you, so will your family, your FBA family, and your handsome son... I wont be there for your home going service, but I will be praying for your family... Good-bye Ayanna... I'll see you soon...

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

"But I may not get there with you."

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. has a day dedicated to him... it's usually around the time of his birthday that the United States and the World celebrates the life, and sacrifice of a peaceful man, who's message of racial equality is remembered and celebrated. The life of a boy who had nothing, in Atlanta, Georgia, to a man who lead people to days like today, in a country where "my children will not be judged by the color of there skin, but by the content of there character,"is possible cause of him, and the other peaceful revolutionaries of yesteryear, to make it possible for me to like whatever the fuck I want to like, do whatever I wanna do, and not be judge for it, because, of my skin color. MLK Day is definitely a great day to remember where I came from, and how far my family had to go, just to have me, be assured that I can live in a country that is a lot better off in race relations than what they had to go through... You can tell the impact of it, throughout the country. especially in the sports arenas... men and women of all colors and creeds can all sit down at there favorite teams arena, and cheer on the common goal... to cheer on there favorite teams... we can all go to the same restaurants, and talk and gab and laugh and drink the night away, because of the "dream" that Dr. King had all those years ago... And today, dream come true... BUT... Now a days, I don't enjoy the day as much as I use to! Its not because, I don't get a guaranteed day off of school or work anymore... I don't care about all that... honestly... What makes it so hard to enjoy, for me personally, is the fact, that now a days... because of everyone political agenda, its been turned into some sort of political, reminder... but now a days, what isn't a political agenda... Having to go take a shit, is now a political crisis... But anyways... I don't think Dr. King wanted his day to be something to hang a political hat on... I think he wanted it to be a day of celebration... Celebration of a life dedicated to the equality of all people... But, just like today's "democracy" craves, its not a reason to be all political about... I'm not talking about someone being all out and about about what they think Dr. King was like politically, I'm just talking about how the media portrays this day... asking these "black leaders." what it means, and blah blah blah... also, they ask the sports stars of today, on why the impact of MLK is so huge... and again, no problem with that... but, when did it become so damn important to ask all these people about it, every year? And when I watch TV, I don't want to watch that... I just want to watch what I want to watch, and not be bombarded with images of "the impact of MLK on the athlete of today," or some shit like that... Lets just have a day set aside to celebrate equality as one nation, as one people, and not allow, the media to make it into a big deal... Its already a big deal, but I don't need the media to make me remember how much of a big deal it is, when we know its already a big deal. They teach it in elementary school, make you do reports about it in middle school, have you write a 10 page paper in high school, and have you debate and discuss it in college, so I think that the media don't need to do anything more than what its doing to remind me about the impact of Dr. King... He was a great man, who's kindness was taken as fear of an up rise... he was assassinated, because, he was viewed as a threat. Its fucked up that he was viewed that way... All he wanted was peace... He marched for it... he sacrificed his home, and life for it, and now, today, as a hard fought dream, I can tell you, that I am very appreciative of his vision... Thank you Dr. King... But please, media... Stop saturating whats already so prevalent... you're desensitizing it all...

I See One Thing, You See Another... So Lets Make Lemonade.

I like to watch people, and I find supreme entertainment in listening to people as well... I don't like to talk that much, but when I do have something to say, its hard to have people listen, because, my thoughts, and beliefs aren't mainstream. As most of my friends know, I'm a Christian. I am not devout, but, I believe, and I'm happy that God has forgiven me through the sacrifice of His Son Jesus. But, as most of you know, you wouldn't tell, that, by the fact, that I hate church, and I try to live as it says in Matthew 5:16 "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven." So, although my words may not be such a way to, I do try to live right... and, I hope my impact on the world around me is one that is felt, and remembered. But, tonight, I as trying to figure out a way to talk to you without going all "christian" on you... so, I figured, we start with one of the few reasons of why a lot of people, don't want to have anything to do with God... The term "sin," as defined in the bible, is anything that's not pleasing to God, i.e. lying, or pre-marital sex, or killing, or flicking off your co-workers who is just the complete fuckass who deserves more than just a finger in there face... Anything that will ultimately bring shame to the goodness of The Father... But what if we turned off the term "sin" and called it what it really is... "Human Nature." Would it be enough to consider God? Cause, human nature is exactly what put Jesus on the cross to die for our... human nature. And having something to believe in, that isn't tangible, is not weakness, its blind hope. Ill admit... its something that, in today standards don't make since, with the laws of "go-go, and gotta have it." But, for some of us, we don't need life to be that fast, or full of experiments or stories of regrets that we try to laugh off as "a good time." But, its whatever is cleaver... I could go on and on all day, about it, but it wont do any good... But, back to what I'm saying, If we took the term "sin" and give it a term, that would be better for the ears of the rebellious, and called it, what it truly is, "human nature," Would you be open to me, talking to you, about my faith? Cause, all human nature is, is the wants, and the likes of things, that can do, harm to us... For example, eating too much, drinking too much, and so on and so forth... Human nature, is what our body likes, more or less... like the old Lays Potato Chip commercial slogan, "You cant eat just one." if your body likes it, its going to be something that it will want to feel good, to feel normal, to function... so, when you have an excess of something, that your body likes, it can do harm to you physically, mentally, spiritually, all the above. To find happiness, and solitude into that thing that we like so much, can take us away... it can do harm in the future. Now, without something bigger than us, we would fall short, and die off into a life of not knowing peace in body, and spirit, if we continue to allow, those things, to make us feel good... The only thing about the things that make us feel good is that once they are gone, we go back and get some more from where ever we can go and find it. So, we take those things, that we like, and our human nature makes it a "god" that we slave ourselves to. So, the things we love like, sex, money, food, drugs, or a good time, we make our masters, and cover up the fact that we worship these objects with a word called "addiction." Addictions are demons that pulls us towards the things we want, and it forces us to take part in the activities that, ultimately, hurts us. We all have our addictions and vices that makes use continue to move on in this life, but, these things will continue to allow our human nature to grow and bigger and stronger, to where, its eventually, practically impossible to get out of that love of what we love. So, if I was to sit down with you, and tell you all of that, would that convince you to listen to me further? Would it draw out any questions you may have, or weren't sure you had at first? Or would you further separate yourself from people like me? Either way, I hope this helps open your eyes, a bit into what I believe.

Sometime, It's NOT The Thought That Counts

Gifts should always come from the heart, and not from the wallet, or the pants... I think that the worst gift, anyone can give anyone, is sex. I'm not talking about a girlfriend, or wife, giving her boyfriend or husband, a piece (and vice versa) for his birthday or anniversary, or congrats for a promotion or anything like that... NO! I'm talking about a friend, who think that someone getting off, on some strange, is the greatest gift to give... That's disgusting, and lack of love for a friend... If you know me, you know that I would not try to do anything, to drag a friend down with me... I would always build them up, or help them with there load (no pun), but never drag them down... I was asked a question last night by a striking looking woman, "if a friend was to buy you a hooker, what would you say to them," I told them honestly, "I would say fuck you." This lady was pretty surprised by my answer. lol But, at the same time, with keeping my cool, I was surprised by her question... If you want me to be happy on my birthday, buy me a gift certificate to my favorite music store, buy me alcohol, buy me anything except for sex... because, its nasty! The act of sex, itself isn't, but the thought of someone buying sex, is just not right... The lady tried to convince me, with hypothetical, but, I stood strong in my beliefs... I do not see any benefit in buying sex for anyone. If its not monogamous, and its not "free," then its repulsive. Nothing says, that I think you are the worst fucking human being, I have ever encountered in my entire life, than to offer to buy someone sex, so they can have "a good orgasm." I could care less on your stance on sex before marriage, or abstinence, or whatever... I know that I would never do that to my friends, or to myself, cause, its pointless to waste money, on someone who is just going to waste energy, to feel good for a minute... What conceivable notion says, that I am about to burn about 100 bucks for an hour, that wont even be used up, on someone to catch one, for a little while? So stupid. But, whatever is cleaver, to each his own... But, to me, sex should never be something that should be considered as a gift. Just tell me that you hate me, than try to get me laid... Just cuss me out... I would rather that, than for you to buy some pretty face, who got good at sucking dick, because, she was the only one willing to do so at that party sophomore year of high school... come on now! Lets think about this! Give something that is meaningful, and from the heart, and not something fickle, and from the wallet... that is a waste of money, time, and energy. Just buy me a hat, and call it a day.

My Cure For Writers Block

I haven't been able to blog lately, and that writers block, can be a motherfucker! So, for a few days, its been hard to try to find some inspiration to write... and I figured out what my inspiration is... GOOD MUSIC! Its so hard to find good music now a days, only because, the good music, is hard to find! You go to your record stores, and your Best Buys, and Target's and what not, and you just see, shit. And my inspiration, as of late, has dwindled, due to my attendance of sporting events, with shitty ass music being played... oh well, what can one do? Just start digging again I guess... its rare for me to have a short blog, but here you go. To have good music, you gotta find it... that's it. moving on.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The More Money We Come Across...

Me and money, has never really gotten along... Usually, when it comes to money, I use it for wants, and not necessities... And, when I need something, I'm always a day late, and a dollar short, cause, I usually try to find a reason to want something first.... But, I tried something new at the beginning of the year, that I think will work... that is if I stay healthy, and out of trouble, and don't try to live above my means... I am going to put money in 4 separate accounts, of mines, to not only promote me to saving it, but spending it wisely... I was able to pay off my cellphone bill the day I got it, because, I had the money in one of my accounts. Its a dedicated account for something like that... but what is one to do, when he is stuck in  a house, that is iced over? Well, I used the money that I had to not only, eat, but buy another necessity, that now has me in the red... But, its worth it. It was something that I needed for a LONG time, and although I choose not to go into details, its going to make me feel SO much better in the end. Thank God. :) But, yes I will be doing a lot better with my money... that means, I will probably not eat out much, I will have a plan to save money for tattoos, concerts, travel, and other stuff that I thoroughly enjoy doing. So, with that said, I will be honest with you... I'm scared shitless about it... Cause, just like with anything in life, there will be a reason to spend the money I don't have... for example... you need to pay for your car, repairs, or you need to help a friend or family member, its up in the air... this year, I'M getting better with my money, spending it on what I need first, and not what I want... So, if you don't see me often, its because, I don't have money... I'm doing what I can to be better at it... and I hope you don't take offence, to me, not being there... I have to get a hold of it, if I ever wanna have some sort of relationship with anyone. lol Seriously... money can be a deal breaker in relationships... I don't want that... I know I just got real personal with you, but its my reality... And if you have the same problem as me, then I hope you find your way to save, and be better at it. Cause money, is important to survive... no matter how valuable, or invaluable it is... Be blessed... good night.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

You learn something new every day.

As its set up, The Good Lord above, gave us all the most dangerous creation, ANY God, could give creation--Free Will. In free will, we have the God given right to say, yes, no, or maybe, about anything that God gives us... A lot of the time, I use my free will to show my displeasure's in people, and things... One thing, that I'm not big on, is fallowing the popular crowd... Anything, that has a mass popularity, I tend to not find favor in fallowing it. I don't watch movies, cause, they are good, I watch movies to be entertained, and if there is an actor or actress that I don't like, I wont see that movie, no matter how good it is, or how many awards it won... Its just how I operate. I don't make apologies, and I don't make it a goal to go out of my way to appease those who think that I should do this, that, and the other... When it comes to people, its usually have something to do with Sports... If you don't know, I don't like Cam Newton... I do not like him for his sportsmanship. I'm huge when it comes to sportsmanship, I talk after the game, never before, or during... And sometimes, I guess, the reason why I get that way, is because, I'm that way! So, watching Cam Newton tonight during his interview, I was reminded, on the faithfulness of God. He mentioned, in his interview, that through it all, "God can take something negative, and turn it into something great." Well, I don't know what size shoe Cam wears, but I will but it in my mouth. That kinda shut me up! Who am I to feed the devils lies about the testimony of a young man like him? Ive missed, this entire time, what God was trying to show me... And that, EVERYONE, gets a second chance... Ive been saying that about Michael Vick, and just about anyone, but, why not him? What makes him stand out as the odd man out, of the second chance blessing? That's pretty fucked up of me. The young man, held his own, through it all... With all the fans saying one thing, and the media pouring it on, I just fell into the trap of trying to block the blessing that God has for this young man... It took me all of the College football season to realize this, but, it is what it is... I said what I said about him, and its out there, forever... But, if its any consolation, I do want to apologize to him, and God above, for being a distraction, during this time of his. So, there you go... I admit, I'm not a fan, of his, but, who am I to rain on his parade? Nothing but the best for that young man... moving on...

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

And so far...

Happy New Year everyone! Hope that your night was better than mines... I do not like to drink when upset, but, with a shitty game that was coached by my Gamecocks, and the few asshole FSU fans that just added to the anger glass, that was soon to overflow, so I had to go. I allowed it to carry over into the new year, but, I'm getting better. But, so far, we are 4 days in, and I have no qualms... I had a small encounter with a couple of costumers, but, outside of that, smooth sailings. I know I haven't been on here in a while, and its because, I haven't had anything to solidify in my head to get out... I was thinking about making this blog about the bullshit that was my NYE/NYN, but that was going to go nowhere. I thought about talking about what excites me about the year to come, but still nope... the fact that I have a summons for Jury Duty, but nope, I just decided to allow y'all to know my thoughts of the new year, so far. And that's it. I do have some hopes for the new year, but outside of that, I'm just going to let this ride. But outside of that, I hope to have something for people, to enjoy, as I ramble, rant, and bitch about my world. Thanks for all the support guys. :) Love ya all.