Monday, March 21, 2011

Lets Talk About Emotions... Shall We?

Hey guys!!! Ive missed ya! :) I honestly have... I do apologize for the delays of blogs, but, my computer (which, I am not on now), decided to say "Im not going to work for you anymore, you fat fuck!" and, I literally lost everything on the my computer, as it decided to reset itself... yay me! But, my last blog, was dedicated to my friend who committed suicide... And then, it just feels as if, life, has been just one big bomb after another... So, I will tell you this. This blog will be long. I will be updating life, since February 1, 2011, and just keeping you infromed from then, to now, and what I hope to have accomplished in the near future... so, bear with me, sit back, get a bag of doritos, and enjoy. HERE. WE. GO!

Well, I am now 1 year older. I turned 28, back on on the 19th of February, and that night, turned out to be one that ended in regret, but, Thats what I was hoping for... You always gotta set a goal. Mines, happen to er to get the one regret out of the way. One a year... something to focus, and keep yourself from being too big for your own damn self. So, after that, Iwent through the rest of the month, trying... TRYING to save money for Canada... But, with work, and bills, its hard to hold on to a little bit of money. With that said, I am very happy to have been better at saving money. Im doing pretty good I think... Well, that was The rest of that month, NOW let me tell you all about March...

This has, by far, been the toughest time Ive ever experienced in my life. With Emily, loosing her father on the morning of March the 5th, that was a tough blow. Why? Because on February 28th, that monday, There was a huge benefit helf to help with her fathers mounting hospital bills... Friends and family of John Strickland were all there, to just be able to love on him... unfortunately, yet fortunately, we all got to say and have out peace with him, before, he died... Its amazing how God works, cause, his son, came into town to suprise him the The day before he died... So, it has definiately been a stretch of time, that was purely emotional, and awe inspiring... The Memorial service was held for John, at Twain's It was full to the brim, of people who knew, and loved John. I was just blessed to work that night, to share, and feel the love of the Strickland Clan... That was on held on the 9th of this month... On March the 7th, I recieved some bad new, about a loss in my family. The family, that shares the same genetic line as I, family... I woke up to a text from my cousin, saying, that our Uncle Billy died of a massive heart attack. He leaves behind my Aunt Rabbit, and there 2 boys, Simon and Solomon. It has definitely been a very emotional 2 weeks, for me... That stretch of time, was never something I would ever wish for anyone to go through... But wait! This story gets better, and leads me into the title...

So, on Monday March 14th, 2011, I recieve a text from Emily, mentioning that all meetings are still on as scheduled... So, at 4pm, March 15th, I went in, and with a new facial hair do, and wishing Happy Birthday to her, I learned that I was being "fired." Didn't use the term "let go," no... FIRED. And I learned that I was not the only one being let go... The reason for my "firing" is because he feels that "I have too much potential for this place." and, All the while, I am thinking, as if this was all a joke. So, when, I was given the option of finishing out the week... I definitely took it, cause, again... I THOUGHT THAT IT WAS ALL A JOKE! But, on Wednesday March 16th, I learned that it was real, when I over heard a convo held by her, and another individual... So, once, I learned that it was real, I was DEVASTATED!!!

So, now, we are to the meat of this blog, and live as of now... I have learned in the past 5 days, that devastation is a collection of more than 6 different emotions. In this time, of learning of my firing, I went through disbelief, worry, depression, sadness, anger, betrayal, hurt, shock, and "that unexplainable, feeling, that is nothing short of what I think, and interprate "devastation" to feel like. Pure devastation literally feels like what I think a football would feel like on kickoff... once you're in the air, only got knows where, and when, and now you are coming down... sometimes, you get caught, sometimes, you get dropped, and sometimes, you got all the way out of bounds... but, that few seconds of air-time you just feel like you dont know what the fuck is going on... And, all the while, youre thinking of all the things that you did for one person, and try to make the situations better, and you're just coming up with all the times, you displayed love to the ones who ultimately hurt you so deeply, all the times, you've asked me to step it up, all the times, Ive stayed late, been fucked over, and still smiled, and laughed and hugged for 3 years... and shared millions of laughs, at thousands of bad jokes, and shared loved... All just boils to, this feeling, that I literally never felt ever, in my life... Devastation kills souls.

So, how is one to act while devastated? Well, I decided to drink a lot... A LOT! A lot, even for me... so, if you saw me on March 16-19, and I was talking a lot about all the drinking I did, and was planning on doing, I do apologize, for spilling out my guts about my feelings, about the events that happened this past week... It has been so hard to actually try to center my feelings about the entire thing, cause, I was literally kicked in the mouth of my heart. Cause, like mentioned in the last paragraph, Ive shared so much of who I really am with these people, that I still love, although I was thoroughly wronged by. So, playing out my interpertaion of this emotion, may have not been the healthiest, but, its what I did, and what Im healing from... My heart has dealt with a lot in the past 3 weeks, and I just know that God got my back. I will be alright... Ive already recieved so many job offers, that, its just a matter of choosing where I wanna work... So, Imma be ok. And I will be alright, to find jobs for friends who need it more than I. For example... On Friday, a friend of mines, who the bar manager at my favorite bar in Midtown, offered me a job on the spot... and, I politely declined, cause, my friend Sara, was in more of a need of a job than I ever will be... not saying that to say, that I will never have trouble finding a job. Who knows, I may end up having a very hard time finding one... But, she needed a job more than me, so I asked my friend to offer her the job... As of March 21, 2011, Sara will be working in The Atlantic Grille. And, it feels good to help those who needs it... She needed it, I have the pleasure, of being a great server, with a big heart, so, getting her a job at one of my favorite places, makes me feel great. but, I was still hurting...

March 20, 2011, was the hardest day to deal with in my life, so far... The day of my Grandmother Rubys' funeral, wasnt this hard... Anyone, and everyone knows, that I am a damn good, and damn hard worker... But, when you have the motivation, of being fired for no reason... Im sorry, no REAL reason, it kinda makes it hard, to wan to leave it better... Whats going to happen, Imma get a phone call from someone telling me to come in and sweep the game room? Whats gonna happen... Imma get fired (HA! IM FUCKIN FUNNY!!!)? But, it was the hardest night of my life... Ive never shared a collective moment of unhappiness, of the unexplained events, that lead to the loss of employment of me, an 5 of my family members. My now former co-workers were my family. Although we may have had our disagreements, our moments of love, laughter, and great times, and the stories. All my memories, will last, but, will not have the same feel, like it has been, when, I thought, I was loved... I do hope Imdoing a good job, but IM trying my best to express my anger without being angry... IM trying to maintain my appreciation of the last 3 years, that I gave to this company, and have invested into everyone who was proud to work there... The people, I've encountered, the beautiful lives that Ive had the privilage to fall in love with, all, were just taken back to an emotion to where, its a smile, and not a smile and a laugh... you take away the laugh, all youre left with is, what feels like lies. That night, between the hugs, and the hurt, and the tears, I finally broke down. Early Monday Morning, March 21, 2011, I broke down into tears, asking "What did I do to deserve this?! What the FUCK DID WE DO!" And after a shot of Whiskey, and the love that Tyler showed me, by just listening, I finally got out my feelings of this whole week, and this whole year... I broke down, and I told the stories, of what I dont know, And the bullshit answer I got in my meeting... The passionate love and hurt that Scott showed me and Powell, The drilling of Emily by another family member, to get some sort of explaination of what the fuck is going on, And the tears out of another, displaying his hurt of the whole situation. Its been a journey, that I do not wish my worst enemy to ever experience...

So, what did I learn through all of this? Ive learned, that the people that you love, should definiately be checked... If there was actually some sort of honesty, and transparency, that, they preached, This whole blog would be in a different tone, and probably a hell of a lot shorter... But, to be devastated, the way that I was over something, that I probably will never know the HONEST TRUTH of, I am honestly left with a bitter taste in my mouth. I am not happy with how this whole situation happened, and, like I mentioned earlier... God will provide... he has provided me with that job, and he will provide me with something better, with people who will be real with me. Its definately been a hurricane of emotion for me, and I do not ever want to experienced EVER again. Make sure, that you know who are the people who will be real with you, regardless of the situation. Allow your employers to be real with you. Make sure that they are... As you can tell, Im not going to get into the details of all that I've learned, during this entire time of difficulty, but, I can tell you, that I will never look at those people the same way. As appreciative I am to have loved them, and recieve the love they gave me... Its gonna take a TRUE minute to show my face around there again. And to the rest of my family, Thank you for allowing me to fall in love with you. You will never go unloved for a long as I live...

And to end this blog (finally lol), I just want to thank EVERYONE who has loved me during this time. It will be rewarded, you've all seen me, at my most confused, most hurt, most sad, most depressed, and you were all there for me. God only knows, the depth of appreciation and love I have for yall... This was not an easy week, and not an easy way to end the month, but, just like with anything, life continues, and you just have to keep pressing forward. One particular friend of mines, was one of the most impactful in helping me through all this. Emma Shew, 3 years ago, was going through a hard time, and, I spontainiously written a poem to her, that she turned around to help me out through this... And it did... so, I share it with you now.

"I was sitting down and thinking how I could make it all better
But what I came up with, appeared to be a myth, and would hold the weight of a feather.
So with this little poem, I just want you to know, that All will be much better
As soon as you allow, what happened to somehow, turn into that feather."

Such is life... I cant promise Ill be on regularly, but, Im just so relieved to finally get it out. :) HAPPY READING GUYS!!!

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