Thursday, January 27, 2011
Heavy hearts leads to heavy emotions. It's has been a journey to try to wrap my head around the loss of a good friend of mines... I learn of this loss after I woke up Wednesday afternoon, and all I felt, before, was an unexplainable emotion of peace and excitement, after enjoying a night of witnessing for the first time, one of my new favorite bands play live, Little Dragon. It was so wonderful to enjoy good music live again... its been a minute since I went to a concert, and it was what my soul needed. But what I didn't need was the sad news of knowing that a friend of mines, with an award winning smile, died... As far as I know, it was an apparent suicide that took her life, but, I want to hold out hope that its not true... Maybe it was an accident, or it was an asshole who did it, and made it look like she did... I don't know how she went, but, I know that Its not easy to fathom the fact, that such a great woman, and friend, is dead... Its never easy to grasp the reality of death... I knew for 2 years, that my grandmother was going to die, but the day she died, wasn't easy, nor was the funeral... I tried to hold it together, but when my cousin started crying, I lost it... Saying good-bye is never a good day... Saying good-bye is never a good feeling... Saying good-bye is never easy, but it is what it is... God knows what He's doing when days like this occur. Its just so hard to believe that for a life with such a testimony of God's goodness, was too hard to handle anymore... I wonder what goes through the minds of those who's ready to end it all? Is there no tomorrow? Is there no way of seeing the impact that you had on the world by carrying a smile, or a good joke? Do you visualize the impact of making the conscious decision to end it, and what it could do to the ones that loves you? Like I have mentioned before in other blogs, I fight with depression, and I do have the occasional suicidal thought, but, no matter how low I may feel, or how shitty things turn out to be for me, I cant fathom allowing the world to win... But, who knows. I say that now, but, what about the next time? Will I have the strength to continue? Will I have the reasons to live? Or will, that time, be the time that push me to painlessness, peace, and rest in the arms of God? I do not EVER want to get to that point, but, God may test me, and see how much I can take... I can take a lot I know, but, I don't know if I can take whats it store, but you know? I hope I do. What is something I learned in this tragedy? Ive learned to make sure that the loved ones know that you love them. You don't have to say it, but they just need to know. I could be through a hug, it could be through just hanging out, it could be through a shared laugh, or even a pat on the back, but you have got to allow those to know that you love them. If you don't love yourself, then find a reason to love that thing that everyone else either loves about you, or doesn't. Cause in the end, you are all that you have in this world. That, and the faith you place in whatever it is, that is your higher. You just have to allow yourself to see through today. Although, its not promised to ANY of us, tomorrow is brand new. Allow tomorrow to be a motivation to just make it through the pain and the heartache you feel right now. If you are on the brink, try to find a way to get it out... Just allow your talents to flourish... Why do you think I made this blog? I made it to keep my sanity, and to advance my love of writing. But, with heavy hands, and heart, I say to Ayanna Bell, I love you, and I thank you for the impact you have made on my life. You were intricate in my spiritual development, and I cant wait to see you again, But until then, rest in peace, hun, and my the Good Lord hug all the pangs of life away, and you enjoy eternity, and the beauty that I imagine it has. I will miss you, so will your family, your FBA family, and your handsome son... I wont be there for your home going service, but I will be praying for your family... Good-bye Ayanna... I'll see you soon...
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. has a day dedicated to him... it's usually around the time of his birthday that the United States and the World celebrates the life, and sacrifice of a peaceful man, who's message of racial equality is remembered and celebrated. The life of a boy who had nothing, in Atlanta, Georgia, to a man who lead people to days like today, in a country where "my children will not be judged by the color of there skin, but by the content of there character,"is possible cause of him, and the other peaceful revolutionaries of yesteryear, to make it possible for me to like whatever the fuck I want to like, do whatever I wanna do, and not be judge for it, because, of my skin color. MLK Day is definitely a great day to remember where I came from, and how far my family had to go, just to have me, be assured that I can live in a country that is a lot better off in race relations than what they had to go through... You can tell the impact of it, throughout the country. especially in the sports arenas... men and women of all colors and creeds can all sit down at there favorite teams arena, and cheer on the common goal... to cheer on there favorite teams... we can all go to the same restaurants, and talk and gab and laugh and drink the night away, because of the "dream" that Dr. King had all those years ago... And today, dream come true... BUT... Now a days, I don't enjoy the day as much as I use to! Its not because, I don't get a guaranteed day off of school or work anymore... I don't care about all that... honestly... What makes it so hard to enjoy, for me personally, is the fact, that now a days... because of everyone political agenda, its been turned into some sort of political, reminder... but now a days, what isn't a political agenda... Having to go take a shit, is now a political crisis... But anyways... I don't think Dr. King wanted his day to be something to hang a political hat on... I think he wanted it to be a day of celebration... Celebration of a life dedicated to the equality of all people... But, just like today's "democracy" craves, its not a reason to be all political about... I'm not talking about someone being all out and about about what they think Dr. King was like politically, I'm just talking about how the media portrays this day... asking these "black leaders." what it means, and blah blah blah... also, they ask the sports stars of today, on why the impact of MLK is so huge... and again, no problem with that... but, when did it become so damn important to ask all these people about it, every year? And when I watch TV, I don't want to watch that... I just want to watch what I want to watch, and not be bombarded with images of "the impact of MLK on the athlete of today," or some shit like that... Lets just have a day set aside to celebrate equality as one nation, as one people, and not allow, the media to make it into a big deal... Its already a big deal, but I don't need the media to make me remember how much of a big deal it is, when we know its already a big deal. They teach it in elementary school, make you do reports about it in middle school, have you write a 10 page paper in high school, and have you debate and discuss it in college, so I think that the media don't need to do anything more than what its doing to remind me about the impact of Dr. King... He was a great man, who's kindness was taken as fear of an up rise... he was assassinated, because, he was viewed as a threat. Its fucked up that he was viewed that way... All he wanted was peace... He marched for it... he sacrificed his home, and life for it, and now, today, as a hard fought dream, I can tell you, that I am very appreciative of his vision... Thank you Dr. King... But please, media... Stop saturating whats already so prevalent... you're desensitizing it all...
I like to watch people, and I find supreme entertainment in listening to people as well... I don't like to talk that much, but when I do have something to say, its hard to have people listen, because, my thoughts, and beliefs aren't mainstream. As most of my friends know, I'm a Christian. I am not devout, but, I believe, and I'm happy that God has forgiven me through the sacrifice of His Son Jesus. But, as most of you know, you wouldn't tell, that, by the fact, that I hate church, and I try to live as it says in Matthew 5:16 "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven." So, although my words may not be such a way to, I do try to live right... and, I hope my impact on the world around me is one that is felt, and remembered. But, tonight, I as trying to figure out a way to talk to you without going all "christian" on you... so, I figured, we start with one of the few reasons of why a lot of people, don't want to have anything to do with God... The term "sin," as defined in the bible, is anything that's not pleasing to God, i.e. lying, or pre-marital sex, or killing, or flicking off your co-workers who is just the complete fuckass who deserves more than just a finger in there face... Anything that will ultimately bring shame to the goodness of The Father... But what if we turned off the term "sin" and called it what it really is... "Human Nature." Would it be enough to consider God? Cause, human nature is exactly what put Jesus on the cross to die for our... human nature. And having something to believe in, that isn't tangible, is not weakness, its blind hope. Ill admit... its something that, in today standards don't make since, with the laws of "go-go, and gotta have it." But, for some of us, we don't need life to be that fast, or full of experiments or stories of regrets that we try to laugh off as "a good time." But, its whatever is cleaver... I could go on and on all day, about it, but it wont do any good... But, back to what I'm saying, If we took the term "sin" and give it a term, that would be better for the ears of the rebellious, and called it, what it truly is, "human nature," Would you be open to me, talking to you, about my faith? Cause, all human nature is, is the wants, and the likes of things, that can do, harm to us... For example, eating too much, drinking too much, and so on and so forth... Human nature, is what our body likes, more or less... like the old Lays Potato Chip commercial slogan, "You cant eat just one." if your body likes it, its going to be something that it will want to feel good, to feel normal, to function... so, when you have an excess of something, that your body likes, it can do harm to you physically, mentally, spiritually, all the above. To find happiness, and solitude into that thing that we like so much, can take us away... it can do harm in the future. Now, without something bigger than us, we would fall short, and die off into a life of not knowing peace in body, and spirit, if we continue to allow, those things, to make us feel good... The only thing about the things that make us feel good is that once they are gone, we go back and get some more from where ever we can go and find it. So, we take those things, that we like, and our human nature makes it a "god" that we slave ourselves to. So, the things we love like, sex, money, food, drugs, or a good time, we make our masters, and cover up the fact that we worship these objects with a word called "addiction." Addictions are demons that pulls us towards the things we want, and it forces us to take part in the activities that, ultimately, hurts us. We all have our addictions and vices that makes use continue to move on in this life, but, these things will continue to allow our human nature to grow and bigger and stronger, to where, its eventually, practically impossible to get out of that love of what we love. So, if I was to sit down with you, and tell you all of that, would that convince you to listen to me further? Would it draw out any questions you may have, or weren't sure you had at first? Or would you further separate yourself from people like me? Either way, I hope this helps open your eyes, a bit into what I believe.
Gifts should always come from the heart, and not from the wallet, or the pants... I think that the worst gift, anyone can give anyone, is sex. I'm not talking about a girlfriend, or wife, giving her boyfriend or husband, a piece (and vice versa) for his birthday or anniversary, or congrats for a promotion or anything like that... NO! I'm talking about a friend, who think that someone getting off, on some strange, is the greatest gift to give... That's disgusting, and lack of love for a friend... If you know me, you know that I would not try to do anything, to drag a friend down with me... I would always build them up, or help them with there load (no pun), but never drag them down... I was asked a question last night by a striking looking woman, "if a friend was to buy you a hooker, what would you say to them," I told them honestly, "I would say fuck you." This lady was pretty surprised by my answer. lol But, at the same time, with keeping my cool, I was surprised by her question... If you want me to be happy on my birthday, buy me a gift certificate to my favorite music store, buy me alcohol, buy me anything except for sex... because, its nasty! The act of sex, itself isn't, but the thought of someone buying sex, is just not right... The lady tried to convince me, with hypothetical, but, I stood strong in my beliefs... I do not see any benefit in buying sex for anyone. If its not monogamous, and its not "free," then its repulsive. Nothing says, that I think you are the worst fucking human being, I have ever encountered in my entire life, than to offer to buy someone sex, so they can have "a good orgasm." I could care less on your stance on sex before marriage, or abstinence, or whatever... I know that I would never do that to my friends, or to myself, cause, its pointless to waste money, on someone who is just going to waste energy, to feel good for a minute... What conceivable notion says, that I am about to burn about 100 bucks for an hour, that wont even be used up, on someone to catch one, for a little while? So stupid. But, whatever is cleaver, to each his own... But, to me, sex should never be something that should be considered as a gift. Just tell me that you hate me, than try to get me laid... Just cuss me out... I would rather that, than for you to buy some pretty face, who got good at sucking dick, because, she was the only one willing to do so at that party sophomore year of high school... come on now! Lets think about this! Give something that is meaningful, and from the heart, and not something fickle, and from the wallet... that is a waste of money, time, and energy. Just buy me a hat, and call it a day.
I haven't been able to blog lately, and that writers block, can be a motherfucker! So, for a few days, its been hard to try to find some inspiration to write... and I figured out what my inspiration is... GOOD MUSIC! Its so hard to find good music now a days, only because, the good music, is hard to find! You go to your record stores, and your Best Buys, and Target's and what not, and you just see, shit. And my inspiration, as of late, has dwindled, due to my attendance of sporting events, with shitty ass music being played... oh well, what can one do? Just start digging again I guess... its rare for me to have a short blog, but here you go. To have good music, you gotta find it... that's it. moving on.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Me and money, has never really gotten along... Usually, when it comes to money, I use it for wants, and not necessities... And, when I need something, I'm always a day late, and a dollar short, cause, I usually try to find a reason to want something first.... But, I tried something new at the beginning of the year, that I think will work... that is if I stay healthy, and out of trouble, and don't try to live above my means... I am going to put money in 4 separate accounts, of mines, to not only promote me to saving it, but spending it wisely... I was able to pay off my cellphone bill the day I got it, because, I had the money in one of my accounts. Its a dedicated account for something like that... but what is one to do, when he is stuck in a house, that is iced over? Well, I used the money that I had to not only, eat, but buy another necessity, that now has me in the red... But, its worth it. It was something that I needed for a LONG time, and although I choose not to go into details, its going to make me feel SO much better in the end. Thank God. :) But, yes I will be doing a lot better with my money... that means, I will probably not eat out much, I will have a plan to save money for tattoos, concerts, travel, and other stuff that I thoroughly enjoy doing. So, with that said, I will be honest with you... I'm scared shitless about it... Cause, just like with anything in life, there will be a reason to spend the money I don't have... for example... you need to pay for your car, repairs, or you need to help a friend or family member, its up in the air... this year, I'M getting better with my money, spending it on what I need first, and not what I want... So, if you don't see me often, its because, I don't have money... I'm doing what I can to be better at it... and I hope you don't take offence, to me, not being there... I have to get a hold of it, if I ever wanna have some sort of relationship with anyone. lol Seriously... money can be a deal breaker in relationships... I don't want that... I know I just got real personal with you, but its my reality... And if you have the same problem as me, then I hope you find your way to save, and be better at it. Cause money, is important to survive... no matter how valuable, or invaluable it is... Be blessed... good night.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
As its set up, The Good Lord above, gave us all the most dangerous creation, ANY God, could give creation--Free Will. In free will, we have the God given right to say, yes, no, or maybe, about anything that God gives us... A lot of the time, I use my free will to show my displeasure's in people, and things... One thing, that I'm not big on, is fallowing the popular crowd... Anything, that has a mass popularity, I tend to not find favor in fallowing it. I don't watch movies, cause, they are good, I watch movies to be entertained, and if there is an actor or actress that I don't like, I wont see that movie, no matter how good it is, or how many awards it won... Its just how I operate. I don't make apologies, and I don't make it a goal to go out of my way to appease those who think that I should do this, that, and the other... When it comes to people, its usually have something to do with Sports... If you don't know, I don't like Cam Newton... I do not like him for his sportsmanship. I'm huge when it comes to sportsmanship, I talk after the game, never before, or during... And sometimes, I guess, the reason why I get that way, is because, I'm that way! So, watching Cam Newton tonight during his interview, I was reminded, on the faithfulness of God. He mentioned, in his interview, that through it all, "God can take something negative, and turn it into something great." Well, I don't know what size shoe Cam wears, but I will but it in my mouth. That kinda shut me up! Who am I to feed the devils lies about the testimony of a young man like him? Ive missed, this entire time, what God was trying to show me... And that, EVERYONE, gets a second chance... Ive been saying that about Michael Vick, and just about anyone, but, why not him? What makes him stand out as the odd man out, of the second chance blessing? That's pretty fucked up of me. The young man, held his own, through it all... With all the fans saying one thing, and the media pouring it on, I just fell into the trap of trying to block the blessing that God has for this young man... It took me all of the College football season to realize this, but, it is what it is... I said what I said about him, and its out there, forever... But, if its any consolation, I do want to apologize to him, and God above, for being a distraction, during this time of his. So, there you go... I admit, I'm not a fan, of his, but, who am I to rain on his parade? Nothing but the best for that young man... moving on...
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Happy New Year everyone! Hope that your night was better than mines... I do not like to drink when upset, but, with a shitty game that was coached by my Gamecocks, and the few asshole FSU fans that just added to the anger glass, that was soon to overflow, so I had to go. I allowed it to carry over into the new year, but, I'm getting better. But, so far, we are 4 days in, and I have no qualms... I had a small encounter with a couple of costumers, but, outside of that, smooth sailings. I know I haven't been on here in a while, and its because, I haven't had anything to solidify in my head to get out... I was thinking about making this blog about the bullshit that was my NYE/NYN, but that was going to go nowhere. I thought about talking about what excites me about the year to come, but still nope... the fact that I have a summons for Jury Duty, but nope, I just decided to allow y'all to know my thoughts of the new year, so far. And that's it. I do have some hopes for the new year, but outside of that, I'm just going to let this ride. But outside of that, I hope to have something for people, to enjoy, as I ramble, rant, and bitch about my world. Thanks for all the support guys. :) Love ya all.