Monday, June 27, 2011

Life. Life. Life.

I'm starting to finally get the meaning of life... Life is learning. Everyday you grow, either physically, or mentally, or spiritually, or all the above... And this year, I have grown so much. Some lessons comes later than others, but all the while, you have to constantly look up and ask, "What am I to learn from this?" Life, is just gaining lessons all the way up til its time for you to go. And, to be honest with you, I hate the term "No Regrets." I do. How are you to grow without learning from your mistakes? With everyone, thinking that you can just live life, without remorse, or with no consequence to your actions, You're going to be left wondering where life went... I just lost my grandfather tonight, and although we weren't as close as I would have liked, my family is my family, and they are the one thing in this world, that I know I can fall back on. But, all the same, life should be celebrated, and mourned. Mourned for the fact that all the work, we could have done to make our loved ones better was all for nothing, and celebrated, because, they did a hell of a job to make us the people that we are today. Without the ones we laughed with, fought with, verbally or physically, took punishment from, allowed us to grow mentally, and spiritually, while giving us leeway to make our way, we would be just lost, and without a reason to move on to be better individuals. Could I be a different person if my dad was in my life more? Sure! Could I be different if I was more vocal? Of course! But, I am who I am, because of the lessons that I learned on the way, to this point. And lovingly, the lessons I got, got me to this point so far. Thank God. The people I love and the people that I need the most, are the greatest gift that I am blessed to have. That includes friends and family. THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is the meaning of life.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

From The Bottom Of My Heart.

Sleepless nights like the one, I had tonight, is just an indication that, something bigger is about to happen for me. With the shitty year that I have been having so far, it couldn't come at a better time. With a fire getting under me, to finally do something with myself, it was the greatest decision to ride out this river of shit, called misery. With family, and friends, and complete strangers praying for me, I can now start to feel them working, as life begins to turn around. I hope... But before, I can really start to feel the affect of happiness, I feel as if I need to get a couple of things off my chest... And, its not what you think. Its not even one of those things where I am asking for you to listen to how I hate life right now, or how, I wish that life was different, no! Yes! I do hate life, and I wish that life was different. But I am here to say to everyone that I love, dislike, hate, mistreated, under appreciated, over appreciated, took advantage of in whatever form, annoyed, talked about, laughed at, laughed with, cried over, cursed, lied to, and broke promises to that I am truly sorry.

In my 28 years of living on this planet that holds 2 promises, rotation and death, It took me til now to honestly have the courage to look into the mirror, and in my heart to know that, I need to make room for the new, and getting rid of the old. And most of the old, is all these memories that I cant seem to shake. The moments that I am embarrassed about ever happening, is whats keeping me up at night. The mistakes, and the lies, and the wanting to be the victim, is all getting in the way, and is holding me down... So who's first to apologize to? How about the people that are the closet to me? My family.

To my Mom, my Dad, my Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins, and my beautiful little sister, I am sorry. I'm sorry for not calling more often, or coming around more often, and just appearing to not give a fuck. I do. I do care about you, and what you mean to me as an individual. I love y'all so much, and I don't know if I will ever be able to truly express my joy of being apart of the exclusive groups that I was born into. But, I do love you, and I do want to be a bigger part of the family. I cant promise you that I will start showing my face more, but, I just want you to know that I love you, and that I appreciate all the prayers, and the thoughts. I know that I have under achieved in my life, but, thank  you for being my biggest fans.

To my friends back home in South Carolina. Where do I begin to start my apology? I don't know... I guess I can start by admitting that I was an asshole... Ive allowed my ignorance to get the best of me, and I allowed my wants to become bigger than my love and appreciation for you. The jokes we shared, and the multiple laughs, not to mention the sweat, and the good times on the gridiron, just goes to show that, you will ALWAYS have a place in my heart, in my mind and in my soul. Thank you for opening your doors, hearts and arms to me. Thanks for taking, and ignoring my many phone calls, and I'm sorry for wasting your gas as you went back and forth to pick me up from my grandmas house... OH! and whatever trust I may have severed, I don't blame you as well.

To my friends here. I am blessed to be in this industry, blessed, to fall in love with so many different souls, and I thank you for the multiple nights full of laughter, but I know that I may have pissed some of you off with saying something, gesturing something, or even not doing something. I am sorry. The way I acted around you when I was/am going through the last 4 months of life has been personally unacceptable, but, through it all, you have been there, and you have accepted me, and I am grateful. But I am really, and truly sorry, for my actions, towards you, if I offended you in any way. Y'all mean the world to me, and I don't want to loose any of y'all.

I feel better... I haven't, and will not go into anything super personal, but for those friends and family members that I have done wrong deeply, I am very very sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you that way, or any way for that reason. Life would be different for all of us if my actions was different, but, I do love you, and I am truly sorry.

With all that said, I think I can finally move on in life. I can begin to feel better and allow my life to flourish. I just have to be more aware of my surroundings and actions, and I will grow... As life continues, and I try to stay afloat, and move on in this river of shit called life, I can feel better about myself as a person who's trying to make an impact in the world. I love y'all dearly. Thanks for allowing me to be apart of your lives.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Negative Minus Subtraction

Being positive is a burden, it seems. But, this is all a part of the test, that is... This sucks so much. Being in this position, that, I wasn't expecting to be thrown in, and it seems that the best medicine is to be negative. It seems as if everyone is suppose to be on this all-happy, the world is great type of mentality. But what does this over-exposure to happiness teaches us? Teaches us the delusion of positivity... Not to be a debbie downer (pun SO intended), but life isn't real, unless you go through some shit, and lucky me, Ive gone through a TON of it, and still am. And, I find it easier to just be depressed, than to "go out and make something of yourself!" Sometimes, its just easier to just allow life to go full circle, before trying to make it all better... as much as I would like to have a new career/job, its probably easier for me to just stay where I am and just wait all of this out... searching, has become fruitless, and full of nothing at the end, so, I will just count my small blessings in misery, and just continue to live life, as if it will, eventually, get better. Its easier, than straining myself to get to the top... Ill just stay here. I'm content. for now... things may change in a week, or a month, or even later in the year... but, right now, all I want is to just get through this. So, if I don't smile, or laugh, or seem or appear happy, I'm not. How long will this last? Not sure... Would I like for this to end soon? YES! But, I'm willing to just try to make it through. So, here we go, through tunnels, and rain.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Next Step... GO!!!

Life has decided to throw, yet, another curveball, and again, I walk to the dugout that is, this LONG UNFORGIVING GAME, that we all know, love and hate equally... This week, I haven't made $30 bucks yet, and I'm slowly going into debt, and I feel that I'm backed in a corner... Life, this year, just sucks assholes and balls... the year isn't even half over, and I'm so ready for the next year... I know things will be a lot better by then. hopefully... So, what am I going to do with myself? I'm going to school... if I'm not going to make money, I need to do something with my time, that doesn't require me sitting on a computer all day, waiting for the work day to begin, and go through the motions, to where I wait around for 3 hours before the first table comes in. I need to do something that requires for me to do something all day, to expand, not only my mind, but my social life, and maybe drop a pound or 100... I have learned that God helps those who help themselves, and I'm going to help myself, with something other than dreams... Action! Gotta do something. I have been sitting around just getting fat, and even more unhappy the more I think about it... I have to break through this invisible wall of fear that I somehow built with laziness... and now, it's time to quit being me, and start becoming me. I guess this is what Ethan was talking about when he claimed that I have "too much potential for this place." Well, unfortunately for a lot of us... our potential comes later in life, and never within the crunch of the 18 years where we want to be what we dream, and never what we have to accept as reality... I think I know what I finally want to do with myself... took me 10 years, and wasting money to go to a small automotive school, but I think I got it... so, fuck the world, fuck my world, and Imma step out for a breath of fresh air... excuse me.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Smiles Shouldn't Be Heavy.

In a year full of death, confusion, hurt, and devastation, Ive met my fair share of nice people, assholes, and seen people turn from and to. With all that has happened in the past 4 months, I can say, that it has not been a great year... But, of all the days that I could have put an honest smile on my face, today was it. Tables all day, and, running into old friends, it was as if things were trying to turn itself around... Before I get into the meat of this blog, I have to tell you this... I don't care if you believe, or if you don't, or you're confused, got questions or anything... I KNOW the power of God and the blessings that happened today ALONE, made it all worth while at the end. In the book of Job, Satan went to God, and made a bet (for lack of a better term) with God, that His most faithful servant would fall, and curse His name... So, with permission, God allowed Satan to fuck Jobs' world UP!!! His house, his kids, and his crop and livestock, all destroyed, and his wife left him... And he got sick. So, when God Gave permission, Satan took FULL advantage... And all the while, Job remained faithful. And just like the bible is, its a book of examples of how life is shitty, but God stays faithful to whats His... So, with that said, I have been in the same boat. I lost a good friend. I lost another good friend to Cancer. I lost an Uncle to a heart attack. I lost my job, I almost got kicked out, I am broker than our economy, And my Grandfather is dying of Cancer... This year has NOT been the greatest, as we all know from the last few blogs... But, tonight, was just the crack in the wall. A table that I was serving, was a couple, in there mid to late 40's and, they came in for a burger and beer. Super nice, real simple, and before they ate there food, the Gentleman, who's name I never got, asked "Whats your name?" I told him, and he said: "Well, Jarrett, is there anything that we could pray for you about?" And it took me a second, and I told him, " Just for a better year." And instantly, I just felt better... I know that life is to do what life does, and that's to be full of ups and downs, and happy times, and sad times... But you have got to keep living, and keep moving. Cause, if you have it bad, someone has it better, and someone else has it a hell of a lot worse... So, I don't know where I stood, but I know, that I was sent 2 souls who cares about me, and don't know who the hell I am. That made me feel so much better... It makes you realize that life is just a feather... you just have to let it float on. So, just that small act of kindness, really didn't make me look at them as if its any other table... they could have tipped me 2 cents, I wouldn't have cared, cause, there hearts were big enough to make me smile, a real smile for the first time in a while. And seeing several familiar faces was amazing as well. Tonight was a good night. And things, seem to start turning around for the better... Thank God. So, to those who pray for those, keep praying... you don't know who's day you will make. You don't know who's life you will touch. A smile, a hug, all works too, but, something about prayer... wow. It just feels good. :) Genuinely happy over here. Good night y'all.

Friday, June 3, 2011

its been too long

Hey guys. I'm sorry again about the delays. life, just generally sucks now a days... I'm working a shitty job, I'm not even making enough money to really survive... And, today alone, I have been job searching... Everything is automated now a days, and when they tell you to go on the websites, they lead you to some bullshit, to where, they don't need your ass... its fucked up... but, this is my goal... I DO NOT EVER want to work in the food industry again. I'm honestly done with it. I lost my love for it... I have got to do something else with myself other than that. So, I'm looking for something else... Its not going to be easy, but, I'm doing the best I can... when times are tough, you have to do things you hate doing like, what I'm doing right now... And that's sitting in a library, trying to find something that's available job wise... even, get up and get out, and try to find a job... But, it has to be done, and that's what I'm doing. If you haven't read any of the last few blogs, you know that life has just generally sucked Satan's asshole for me. And this year, isn't even half done... I know that something bigger than me is about to happen, but, the one thing, that I'm known for, is being pushed to the limit, and that is my patience. I am now learning that patience isn't just waiting around. Its more getting up and doing something with yourself... Cause, blessings will come for sure... but sometimes you just have to put forth an effort to find what it is, you're looking for, or even want. so, that's how life works. You have to put forth an effort, even a small one, to get whats coming to you. I guess, more or less, I'm still not over all of it, but, I'm trying. But, I just wanted to send you an update on my life, and let you know whats going on, and I hope to have a computer up and running very soon. And, hopefully by July, Ill be able to do this again, and get all of you readers back on my blog. Thanks a lot guys for your prayers, thoughts, and good luck, you've sent me over the past few months. It hasn't gone unnoticed.