Friday, December 31, 2010

5...4....3...2...1... Will it be?

Well shit... we are here, yet again... the end of yet another year, on the same river of shit, known as life... 2010 was one that was really an emotional ride... I lost a cousin, I'm loosing my Grandfather, and I've forced myself to end some, what I thought were, meaningful friendships... It is DEFINITELY a year, that I'm glad that is over. But, it wasn't all bad, in no particular order, I got to hang out with my homeboy in my hometown, I witnessed my Gamecocks make history, ( blog is named "first from laughs.") I rekindled old relationships, and even started blogging for my sanity! I'm thinking school cause of this year, and, trying to make my last hurrah on the face of the earth, I cant really complain about this year, and how it ended up, cause, I still have my job, I still have my friends, and I'm blessed to know that I am loved, and healthy. I did try working out, and it was working, but that shit got expensive! So, Imma try again next year, maybe, but cheaper for sure. I have learned a lot about myself as well this year. The biggest thing I learned is that, I have NO control over money... I tried to save it, and better manage my finances, but, to no avail, attempt after attempt... its so hard to try to establish something, KNOWING that something is going to happen to take away that money you were trying to save. One of my goals for 2011, is to be better manager of my money. Along with that, I hope to have found love, as i give it my once a year attempt to find it. But, all in all, 2010, I'm coming out of it pretty healthy! I have regrets of actions I did, I have my moments of laughter as well... But, one thing about 2010 that I will not miss, is 2010... Its time to say goodbye to you, and watch you burn in hell... 2011, you have 365 chances to make it worth it... hope you do! See you all in the new year. :)

Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Weight Of My World

Would you blame me if I went crazy? If instead of talking out my feelings, as dark as they may or may not be, I actually acted upon the saying "I gonna shoot you in the left eye?" Would you find it funny, or scary if I did actually do something? Would your view of me change, if I did actually decide to allow my emotions to overflow, and I do actually bring harm to someone or myself? I don't know what would happen, but I know that I NEVER want to ever be that guy. The last time, I actually allowed my emotions to get the best of me, I ended up saying something to someone that I should have never said, but, she had it coming at the time, and after the damage was done, I'm surprised, I still have friends. LOL But, what if I did decided that the day to go crazy was tomorrow? Would not be a good day. Would people still take advantage of me, if they saw me blow up? Would they rethink there love, or appreciation of me? What if I didn't bottle up all my emotions, would I be a better person? Would I be the same person? Would I smile a lot, to mask the war within? Would I laugh at everything like I do now? Would people respect me more? Would the ladies think of me of more than just a friend? Its all types of fucked up to think like this, but, this is what swims through my mind... EVERY THOUGHT MUST GO! Right? Well, I hope I never become that guy... I want to be the same guy that respects all, and is stubborn about my choices in life... I LOVE the pangs of life... I love the emotions that comes with the everyday. I love being frustrated, and not able to say a damn word at times... I love not being willing to allow anything to try to alter my views, thoughts, or social status... I am happy of who I am right now, and probably will be happy for the rest of my God given days. Although the science says that people who holds it in, die sooner, if that's the case, Ill take it. But, the world will know that I died young, but satisfied, that I lived my life, the way I wanted to live it, and not the way someone else wanted me to live it. So, in my worst days, I would still rather be me, than someone else. Hope you take time to see that misery to one, is pleasure for other, and however they make their life go as smooth as possible. Think about it.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

SONG OF THE WEEK... the end.

The "song of the week" blog thing that I did is coming to an end... it was a hard challenge trying to find a song for the week, that is different, but I managed to do it pretty well, I think, and I do hope y'all enjoyed. I do hope it opened you up to a lot of new sounds that you may now, or may not enjoy, but all the same, thanks for listening... :) And, unfortunately, I will not be doing this again next year... come 2011, I will just feature songs that I like. I'm not going to set a day or a time, I'm just going to put up the song, and hope you like. :) I will still give you a description of the band, and the song, but, I will not be doing this on a weekly basis... it could be every day, it could be once a month, who knows! :) I don't. It all depends on when the music hits me. :) So, with all that said, I thank you again, and I will finish out this series with 4, yes 4 different songs, from 2 different bands. The 2 bands that I'm talking about are 2 of my favorites. I say that because if you own all the albums by them, they are pretty much standing out as the favorites. lol

The Black Keys is a band based out of Akron, Ohio. A duo who was sick of mowing lawns, and decided to make music... It turned our pretty good for them, cause, there infectious blues rock sound has spread like wildfire, and has burned into souls for almost 10 years now. The 2 songs I picked from there are "When The Lights Go Out," and "Howlin' For You." Starting with "When The Lights Go Out," found on there album "Rubber Factory," This song is exactly what makes this band stands out... The blues in the rock, and the way the guitar notes hit, as the pain is pounded out through the drums. The lyrics sits on a heavy hearted voice (to me), and it completes the picture that this song paints me--pain no matter the time, cause she will hurt you and leave you dead in the sun, the moon or where ever. Like he says, "You know what the sun's all about, when the lights go out." Enjoy

The second song that I chose comes from there latest masterpiece called "Brothers." It's a song that has a familiar beat... Ever hear the song called "Rock and Roll part 2?" How about the "Hey!" song that they play at sporting venues around the world? Yeah! Same song. :) When you hear "Howlin' For You," You hear that song, but, its not copied, or even the same song... this isn't some sort of bullshit Vanilla Ice biting off of Queen. lol No, this song, is very good, and the show of a wolf on the prowl. Its a ballad saying, "I wish you would notice me, so I can attempt to make you love me." So, I hope you enjoy it... My favorite part is in the bridge of the song, where it just breaks down into this melodic heavenly moment, that takes away the pain. :) So I do hope you enjoy "Howlin' For You."

And now, to the second band. The Dead Weather. This band is the brain child of the legendary Jack White. They are a band based out of Nashville, Tennessee, and was founded on the last night of The Raconteurs tour back in 2008. It happened during the encore when Allison Mosshart, of The Kills, came out with the band and sung "Steady As She Goes," during the encore. And after waiting like 2 and a half hours after the show, the drunk band members came down, and gave autographs to us who waited, and it was well worth the wait. :) But anyways, Jack White, plays drums in this band, and I love it. I consider Jack White playing drums as "an angry and scared kid, beating out his demons." But, There are 2 songs from this band, that basically slows it all down, to give you something that your soul can find comfort in. Starting off with there song "Will There Be Enough Water," From there debut album "Horehound," This song, to me, is the perfect song to play at a funeral... because the song says it all. To me, it says what we all hope when we came to the end... Did I do enough? Did I say enough? "Will there be enough water, when my ship comes in?" I do hope you love this song like I do.

The final song that I chose is the song that broke them. Its called, "Die By The Drop." This song epitomizes my description of Jack White on drums. It's like, to me, that he is LITERALLY banging away the frustrations in this song alone. The way he wore his heart, the troubled times he went through, with relationships, friends, defending his bands, trying not to be the spotlight, ALL of that, sounds like it went into the drum parts of this song. The song, itself, is amazing, but what makes it, is, the drum parts. I do hope you enjoy. And again, Thank you so much for going through this journey with me. I do hope I've touched your ears, as I hope to have touched your soul with this blog. :) Enjoy

Like a diamond ring, lost at sea.

I think I know where I lost my Christmas spirit... It died somewhere between me leaving church, and working around people, who don't believe... And whatever floats your boat, is what keeps you awesome in my eyes... But, I'm cool with it all, but, its not me! I loved Christmas, and what it means to me, but with the times changing, the tides shifting, and the ones I love, slowly dying away, I don't know, if I will ever be able to recover to enjoy Christmas again. I don't even know, if I will enjoy it, when I have kids... I do love it when I celebrate Christmas with my co-workers, as we get drunk, and full on delicious alcohol, and food. Being together with the people that matter to me, is where my Christmas spirit lies... I will never find it in a store, on the news, or even in sports... Its not in a church, its not in Chattanooga, Tennessee, or Columbia, South Carolina, or Hoover, Alabama, Its lost. Lost into the people that I love with all my heart, which is my co-workers, friends, family, and faith. Nothing can touch those things in my heart, and my Christmas spirit is scattered throughout... I don't need gifts, or money, or anything for that matter, except for the knowledge that my friends and family knows that I love them and they love me. :) So, if that warrants an absence of Christmas Spirit, then, I'm ok with that. :) Merry Christmas, and although the day may not be such, glad that sweet baby Jesus was born for us to know freedom. :) Good night.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

I looked in the mirror and smiled. :)

Its hard to stop smiling after the day that I had yesterday. I ended up going to South Carolina, to see my Grandfather, who's said to have 3 months left to live. On Sunday, I thought I wasn't going to be able to go, but, luckily my mom was willing to switch cars with me for the day, and I had a blast on the way, and on the way back. When I got to SC, I went to see my Grandfather, and when I got there, luckily they just got back from the hospital. And, my Aunt Theodora was fixing a plate of spaghetti for Granddad, and I sat and ate with him. It was good to catch up a bit, and just be there and to see him. Its always fun to listen to old men talk, as Uncle Gunn was there with us, enjoying a "peanut and jelly dog." lol No, there was no hot dogs in it, it was just a peanut and jelly sandwich in a hot dog bun. And just listening at how times were, it made me smile, and appreciative of what life was like. So, after a few hours of hanging out, and just being around familiar surroundings, remembering the times me and my cousins would run around the house, and the yard, back when Columbia was a safe city, The funny moments shared with family as we laughed and talked, and yelled at each other for no reason. Oh, the good times. After that, I met up with my Twin. :) That was a good reason why, I smile today... Meeting up with my mirror image was what my soul needed. :) Seeing her and catching up just made me feel... complete! Seeing her smile, and just us catching up from 10 years, just made my trip for the day, even better. To sit there, and talk out the last 10 years in our lives as they went separate directions. But, it felt good to just allow God to have us get it out, and fall in love as twins. :) Don't go on thinking that I have a 2nd sibling, I don't... its just me, and my little sister Elise, but my Twin is Lindsay. The way we became twins, was one day in the weight room at the high school we were attending at the time, I was working out, she was too, and this guy named Peter, looked at her, and saw me, and realized that she wasn't me, and was still having a deja vu moment... since that time 13 years ago, we've been linked. :) Since moving here to Georgia, we've seen each other one other time, and that was 10 years ago. Since then, as she told me her life, I told her mines, and all we did was just smile, laugh, and played darts. It was so good and fulfilling, to let her know who I was, and I can imagine that it was the same for her when she told me who she was. Shes a survivor, a fighter, and a beautiful soul, and I love her to death. :) It took us 10 years to catch up, but doing so made me not want to go back home to Decatur, but not allow the night to end like this. But it had to... and now life is good. To see my Grandfather, and my Twin, in the same day, and enjoy both companies, and them enjoy me, was worth it all. :) I am truly blessed. No, seriously... TRULY blessed.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

That Little Bit Of Light

This summer, I thought I was going to die. Seriously! I thought that, I was going to drown in the Ocoee River the day that we, as a company, went to go whitewater rafting. I thought I was going to fall in, my leg was going to get caught under a rock, and I was going to end my life right there... And, the moment that I for sure thought it was going to happen, was when we did this thing called "surfing." We hit this one rapid, and somehow, I lost control, fell in, went under the raft, and in a mode to where, I didn't panic, cause, I had to remember the things to do to keep me alive. Head up, feet in front of you, and just remain calm... well, it would have been easier to do, if I just didn't have a nose full of water, but I managed to keep my cool, have a laugh, with my team, and get pulled in, and continue the fun... It was my fourth time whitewater rafting and the 2nd time falling in... I was pushed in as well, but that doesn't count.

But, I tell you that story to get to the real subject of this blog. As some of you may or may not know, I have bouts with depression. Its not clinical or anything, but I know what I feel... and when I get deep into it, I eat a lot, and I think about "my buddy." "My buddy," is a gun... I don't have a gun, but, I know, that I'm there when I see him. And depression is just like what I thought was going to happen to me this summer. When you think theres no way you re going to get out of this, you can, and you will... All you need to do is stay calm and force someone to pick your big ass up. When I say that,  not talking about someone physically picking you up in the case of being physically rescued, but if you need out, you have to force someone to listen to you... its easy to just go through life living in the lie that your head is telling you, but its even easier to ask someone that you can trust to just listen... When I get like that, I feel as if everyone hates me... Like, I pissing everyone off for something I did... and, I hate to do that. I hate to let my friends, and co-workers down. But if I let one down, I feel as if I let them all down, and no ones happy with me. And when I reach that point, I don't even want to drink. And as much as I like to drink, when I feel like it, when I'm depressed, I don't want to, ONLY because, I don't wanna be that type of drunk. lol I like being the happy drunk. Being a mean, and grumpy drunk and bitching about the world, is not who I am, or want to be.

But, its a feeling that I know the world cant understand, and I cant explain. its not an easy feeling, and not an easy spell to break... All you can do, is pray, and try to convince yourself that its better than what it is... Ive been sitting on this subject for about 2 months now, because of the situation that has happened back in October, when The Gamecock Nation learned that South Carolina's All-time Leading Receiver, Kenny McKinley, shot himself in the head, and its because of depression, and gambling debt... He kept in touch with a lot of friends, and he was known for his smile... and to find out that a young man, like him, suffered, and thinking the easiest way out was killing himself, just shocks the world... That's the thing about Depression... its a ghost... No one will ever know who's walking around with thoughts of ending it, or thoughts of feeling alone, or just thoughts of sadness. Everyone deals with it differently, but, those of us who suffers has to over think the situation, and fight our way out of it... For the last 15+ years, I've manage to not kill myself, and to just know that its not going to be easier with me away from the world... I have a purpose, and I will go when God is ready for me to go...

Depression is heavy weight to carry, but, it can be manageable, with the right people, and importantly, the right hobbies... Things that help me out is writing and music. Cause with writing, you can allow the pen to bleed for you, and with music, it can just make you feel better... Before work one day, I was in a shitty mood, then I put on some Florence + The Machine, and I felt the anger melt away... Music is powerful against anything that makes you feel bad... So, I write that and end with this... If you do suffer as I, I urge you to find someone that you know you can talk to... they don't have to be the greatest of friends, but if you can trust and know, that that person can and will help you through the thickest and the thinnest, and if they aren't available, find something creative to do. Find a way to manifest that pain into something beautiful and that the world will feel. And if that doesn't help, find your favorite musician, and make him or her, or them melt the pain away. Can you do that for me? Please?

Monday, December 13, 2010

Songs Of The Week

Well, I got 2 more for ya.... One, Ive known for a while, about this artist... his name is Shawn Hewitt.. He's from Canada, and has one amazing song, that I will share with you today... The name of the song is "One On One." Its a song, that is basically an "I hate you" song. Its very heart-felt wonderfully sung, and just one of those songs that reach down into your soul, and let you know, that you did hurt me, and the world now knows how much of a bitch you are... so, here's this weeks first song by Shawn Hewitt "One On One" :) Enjoy!

The second song, this week is from a band that does not exist anymore... its a great song, from a band, that, unfortunately doesn't exist anymore... This band decided to call it quits, about 2 years ago, but, they are still entertaining... the name of the song is "Need Your Needs" by the band, Georgie James. Its a poppy tune about seeing a familiar face, everywhere... its very good, and the song that turned me on to them in the first place... so I hope you enjoy, "Need Your Needs" by Georgie James :) Enjoy!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

That Sounds Flat...

Nothing sickens me more, than this shit made pop music that has been spewed out, this decade... Since 2000, I could tell, that there was a slow decline of powerful music, cause, these, so called, "musicians," make all these songs, "for the clubs." Well, if they are all for the clubs, they fucking keep it in the clubs!!! I don't wanna hear this shit! But it wasn't until October, at Williams-Brice Stadium, in Columbia, South Carolina, that it hit me at how bad, and sad the music got, over the years... If you know me, you know I don't listen to the bullshit, that is on the radio today... And these "Artists" are still getting all this money, for... what, exactly? What impact has Will-I-Am made on music? What about Usher? How has he shaped my views of music? What about these other guys, that makes bullshit sounds, and music, and some of the most fucked up lyrics Ive ever heard?

"I got a feeling, that tonight's gonna be a good night... that tonight's gonna be a good night... that tonight's gonna be a good good night..."

Are you shitting me... THIS, is whats hot?! THE WORST song ever... and yet, this bullshit, is more popular than anything that Jack White makes... Seriously, a retarded goat could have written the same lyrics... WOW! Moving on... Ive heard a lot of great pop songs, in my life, but lately, music has been on a decline... and like Ive mentioned before, Music is to be the influence to society, and not society influences music... But unfortunately, Society, has been the biggest influence in music, than anything else... Think about it, Rap, Hip-Hop, R&B, and even this thing called "Rock" has all fallen victim to the shit of what we want now... Its never anything that has to do with the past, or about what the future should be. Its about that "Crazy Bitch." or "Throwing some D's on that bitch," or even "When everybody hands go up..."

"All I Do is win win win no matter what
got money on mind i can never get enough
and everytime I step up in the building
everybody hands go up
and they stay there
and they say yeah
and they stay there
Up down, up down
cause all I do is win win win
and if you goin’ in put your hands in the air.."

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! Its so bad... and I hate it all... Brian McCann came out to this everytime he went to bat... Auburn University has this as there come out song as well, its so fucked up... Music today, is always popular... because, its what sells.... Shit and sex sells easier than good, hard worked, valuable to soul and spirit music... Its sad, and it hurts my heart to know that music in America is declining to the ways of bullshit songs as the 2 that I have quoted... This is what America has reduced itself to... shitty music.... NO WONDER the world hates us... Change the radio station... find some good shit America... quit doing this to yourself... I make this blog after hearing a lot of the bullshit songs that were played tonight at work. Its fun to watch people have a good time, but not at the expense of shitty music. 8 notes destroyed cause, of these fucks, making "club bangers" and nothing that means something to someone, who made need to hear that lyric, that beautiful melody, or that arrangement... Music does more for culture, than people let on to believe. Its ok... change is inevitable. :) Goodnight.

Friday, December 10, 2010

It's always "what if" with me.

Today was a weird day to think about the hypothetical, I'm about to lay on ya... But, it's exactly what keeps my mind sharp. But, why such a weird subject? What in the hell would make me think about such a thing? I don't know... but, here... Ill share with you, what went through my mind today... So, while going back home from Target, I was, for some reason, thinking about how weird, the map of the United States would look, if the Confederates won... Not necessarily "won" per se, but if it was able to keep the southern states, as its own nation... What would that mean for me as a black man? Would I have to have a special licence to be able to shop? Would, work for nothing, as the "masters" gain everything? Would there be a leader to lead us out of the oppression, if the oppression was still a part of society? Would I be able to even learn how to read and write? Who knows! Its all hypothetical... On the other hand, would racism even exist in the Confederate State of America? Would black men, walk around in a better environment than, that of today's America, where, people are still holding on to what is plain out ignorance? Would black people, be looked at as gods? And not feared and oppressed? Who knows! We are here and now, and things are getting better, slowly but surely... I don't know how it would have been if history was different... But that's the beauty of imagination... It begs you to asks questions of what is, and isn't, and how, if ever, you can change the current situation. It could be beautiful, or it could be ugly, and you can make it as beautiful or as ugly as you want it to be.  Would I have the friends that I do now, if we were a confederacy? Would black on black crime exist in a confederacy? Would there be a drug or alcohol epidemic in a confederacy? I don't know... Most likely though, cause, there would never be such a thing as a utopia. But, if, I had control over the states, I would make sure that there was peace and understanding, amongst us all... I would make sure, that laws were in place, for equality, and make sure, that the arts would strive... That's what I would do, but, as it turns out, if the south was to rise, we all be fucked... oh well. Its beautiful to just think.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


The Atlanta Police Department has to be THE WORST in the entire world... worse than the corruption in Mexico and there police department, and probably worse than the Rio de Jinero police in Brazil, with all the "accidental killings, and beatings." Why do I think this? Because, on Saturday, while me, Frank, and Don, were trying to find Franks friends, who was at Mary McCloud Bathune Elementary School, off of Northside Dr. in Atlanta Georgia, Tailgating before the SEC Championship Game. So, after waiting for about 30 mins on Frank to show, he told me, where his friends were, and we started to head where he said, they were... it was pretty windy out, so we made a b-line to where he was. So, on the way, I run into Matt and Richie... 2 old friends from The Motherland (South Carolina). Then we made a cut through the grassy area between the parking lot stairs, and the Georgia Dome, and we walked on the outside of the Georgia World Congress Center, which was holding thousands of fans, for the SEC Fan Fare... well, we were about to get ready to cross the stree, when we asked a cop, where the school was... he told us that we were close... we have to go on the other side of the dome, and its straight ahead, with a black gate... well, we go up to where he said, and we dont see a black gate... AND, so, we see another cop... we asked her, where is the school, and she said "I dont know." What the fuck? How the FUCK are you an Atlanta Police Officer, and you dont know where the fuck an elementary school is? Seriously? Really? I bet you, if I asked where a liquor store was, youd tell me in a hot minute, bitch... So, we go to what we thought was the place, turns out we were a block and a half the wrong way... So, we ask YET ANOTHER COP... and his answer... "I dont know what youre talking about." My fear of the city actually grew. Who the fuck actually hired these dumbasses? How are you going to be a cop, and not know where the fuck an elementary school is?! That is very embarassing, and I dont know who I need to talk to, but, Imma find the person I need to talk to, and ask them why, are they hiring people who dont know where the fuck anything is in the city. If I wasn't so good with recognizing my surroundings, I would be fucked, If I ever got lost in this city. Anyways, The Atlanta Police Department, aint good for shit... Yeah, I said it... NO WONDER theres so much crime going on in this city... cause, while people are giving directions, these assholes, are going to the wrong places... SO fucked up... While, crackheads and meth heads, are out there, robbing people, and assholes, are kidnapping and raping people, and innocent people, who are trying to get home from work, are being held up at gun point, these fuckers are trying to finish up the next level of Grand Theft Auto 3... Thats my perseption of it of course, cause, who knows what they are doing... So, with all that said, I say, one last time... FUCK YOU ATLPD... GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!!!