Wednesday, September 23, 2015

It Must End, NOW!!!!

A little over a week ago, I have read something that both shattered my heart, and enraged me to the point of embarrassment. A friend of mine shared a story of sad news of her neighbor... Read it here.

"My 25 year old neighbor didn't wake up this morning. He committed suicide, overdosing on medication and alcohol. His father told me that he was a junior in college, was making good grades, but his friends had teased him for not being 'black' enough. His girlfriend had broken up with him because she was embarrassed that her friends didn't think he was 'street' enough. This family, the WHOLE family, 3 generations of them, are so kind and sweet. The look out for each other and for me. His grandfather is my closest neighbor; and he's a preacher. Their family and close friends (REAL friends) lined up and down my driveway as they gathered for condolences and prayer. I held hands with them... and up drove a car blasting music and 4 men got out and sauntered toward us to join. His grandfather stepped forward and said, 'We forgive you, but we aren't ready to pray with you. We will pray for you.' No words... We have to stop this shaming culture. It's Manslaughter."  - Meredith Van Sickle

This really tears at my spirit... As a black man who loves things that aren't considered "black," It really shows that black lives really don't matter... It only matters to those who have some sort of agenda to make sure the government stops killing blacks... But if it did matter, this young man should have had the world in the palm of his hands, but because he wasn't "BLACK" enough, he felt like he didn't fit into this world... How fucked up of an individual are YOU, to judge how one conducts themselves? How shitty is your existence for you to break someones spirit for being themselves? You are seriously one fucked up individual.

There should never be anyone to break anyone down for being themselves. Its disheartening to know that there are people so willing to make someone feel lower than themselves... Bullying has got to stop. This young man had such a bright future ahead of him, but now, we will never know how far he could have gone, because to some fuckclowns thought that he wasn't  "black enough." Fuck you.

The reason why I am so upset about an event like as such, is simply cause I, too, have been picked on for what I like and don't like, when it comes to being me. Apparently, no black people are to like hockey, rock, country, NASCAR, camping, cycling, classical, golf, anything that isn't "black." Heaven forbid that he has to shuck and jive to just drink a 40, and talk about the bitches he's fucked, and ride the dick of LeBron James... and wearing every jersey imaginable to match all the shit you couldn't afford on your own...

For a while, its been like that for me. Being picked on by friends and family, black and white, for liking a certain band, or a certain sport, or whatever... Do you know how many plans I broke, because I let an asshole talk me out of doing something, because of the color of my skin? If I ever see that individual again, I'm stomping him out. He's an asshole who can't take the fact that his brother passed away, and he would rather take out his frustration out on everyone, instead of himself... This motherfucker looked me dead in the eyes, and told me that I need to rethink going to Canada, cause I'm black... Fuck him.

It is no one's place to refuse someone the ability to be an individual. I am damn proud of the things I like, love and follow. Its what I decided that works for me. And those things is what I decided for me. No amount of bullying will ever make me be ashamed of myself, nor will it ever lead me to kill myself. If you can't accept anyone for who they are, what they believe in, what they do, or whatever, find your way out of their lives... I want black lives to matter to black people... I want it to move to where its a movement that should start from within, and fester to the government bigwigs... But we all want to be all bent out of shape and upset because a few people died at the hands of cops, and the ones with the cameras wouldn't stand in to fight for their fellow man.. Yeah... That's right... I blame the camera man. instead of capturing the moment, go and fucking help your fellow man... but because YOU wanted everyone to see what got you bent out of shape, COME ON!!! Protect your fellow man, because those who are to "protect and serve," ain't doing that... And now I'm suppose to be bullied into thinking that I should be mad, because you wanted to capture a shit moment? Fuck you.

 Anyone who talks proper, wears clothes properly, or want to get out of whatever fucked up situation that they do not feel is for them, gives them all the power that YOU neglected to allow flourish. Just because someone found a way out, doesn't give you the right to hold them back. LET THEM BE WHO THEY WANT TO BE! There has been such a fight for acceptance by the gay community, the trans community, and the nerd community, but in the black community, if you don't talk a certain way, walk a certain way, be a certain way, you are pointless. We need to quit killing each other, mentally, and spiritually. Its already hard enough to keep us from killing each other physically, but we have SO much time to stop killing each other to bring each other down... Shit has got to change. This thought process that is breaking black people down and shaming them for the way they decide to live, has got to stop. We have to do better to encourage and accept... We want to fight to the weak, but we don't want to fight those who doesn't appear as such...

That young man should be alive, trying to deal with his bad week... but, nope... Hes in Heaven, laughing it up with his ancestors, friends, and God... What he could have been... Had just such a small bit to go to be successful... Taken away because we want someone to be something they are not... "Black." FUCK.... YOU!!!!!

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

The Mask Is Off

In my life, I have had ups and downs emotionally, just like a lot of people... But the last 2 1/2 weeks have been, not only just an emotional roller coaster, but a prison of anxiety, self doubt, self lies, and a prison for my creativity... This mental state just doesn't come along with a warning... It hits you square in the mouth, when you aren't looking. It doesn't have trigger, it doesn't come with instructions on how to get through it, it just sucks. What usually makes you happy or laugh just doesn't work anymore... What makes you angry, makes you sad, and just the thought of trying to get out of your current state of mind, has no plan, or resolution. It's just a darkness that only you can manage...

Depression is so real, y'all... I am in a better place mentally, but I am not fully out of the storm. I haven't done anything that I usually do in a while. I have just been a robot. Wake up, work, home, repeat. While in that routine, its a lot of lies that play in my head, and a lot of "realism," and anger. Realism... A friend of mine, who happens to be a brain doctor, was talking to me, one day in 2009, about "depressional realism." Its when one sees the world for what it truly is, when you are depressed. Not really trying to be happy or live in world where happiness is a drug. It's a real thing. But, the anger... the anger is a mixture of whats inside, and what is on the outside that you cant change. For me, it has been such a sucky time of trying to figure all this shit out, but I have kept myself busy. Between work, and friends wanting to hang out, friends reaching out just to see if I am OK, and just there to give hugs, and love when you are at your mental worst.

For me, it's been a mixture of failure to be myself, a little of environmental, and a little of not finding the happy medium... Its like a loss of control of how you think the world views you... I have social anxiety as it is already... So, as it feels to me, when someone doesn't think something is funny, or doesn't get my humor, or says something in a correcting manner, I am a fuck up for the rest of my life. I do not feel good about myself, or the situation, and I feel like I have failed. I feel worthless, and disconnected from all the fun everyone else, appears to be having. The worse is when I can't get a word in... it really makes me feel unimportant. It sucks... and all those things, is just part of what drags me down and has me feeling low. I do all that I can to not compare myself to anyone and their success, or their motivations... It is very very difficult to actually to be happy of others success, when YOU, yourself, have nothing to show for it. I go to these meet ups, and people keep asking me "so, what do you do?" I tell them, "I'm still 'technically' in school, studying to be a writer and editor..." And I have NOTHING to show for it, except for 1 5 min student film, that I wrote... That, and the 3 scripts that I wish I could work on, but just mentally blocked to not do it... So, as happy as I am with my friend and their successes, its so damn hard for me to be happy or feel like I'm going anywhere, when I literally have nothing to show for it... NOTHING!!!

So, with those factors, its impossible to feel truly happy. I love helping friends. I love being an ear for people to vent in, and being there when I can... But I hate the fact that I feel limited. Its so hard to actually describe the feeling, but if I could, I would say that its like an invisible fence... Freedom is right there... but you know you can't go without getting shocked. So, instead of just going for it, you go in the house, find the furthest room from the front, and you hide in the darkest place and just focus on the fear... That's how it is for me...

No. It is not as simple as just getting out there and trying it, or doing it... It's an unexplained force that is inside of you, that will keep you down. No, your pep talk doesn't help. No. Your cheerfulness and pushing doesn't work either... The best thing to do for ANYONE suffering with depression is to simply give them space, and check on them periodically... DO NOT force them... DO NOT give up on them... DO NOT stay quiet... DO say your peace. DO something to just let them know that you are there for them... DO NOT try to motivate. DO NOT brag about your successes, or ethics... DO NOT talk bad about ones beliefs, thoughts, or whatever... DO be respectful of a persons struggle... You will never fully understand what goes on in someones head, unless you know the struggle...

Like I mentioned earlier, I am almost out of my struggle, but its not easy... I have my friends who are in the same boat as I, and are willing to listen and understand. Suggesting anything to help, won't help, usually... It's up to the individual to finally get over themselves. They will let you know. Just understand by being understanding. The YouTube star, known as Markiplier, just lost a friend to an attempted suicide... The damage was enough to where he passed away. And the friend suffered from depression, and he kept it silent... I can imagine that its the same struggle for a lot of us who do suffer from it... we feel that no one wants to listen to us, and hear our struggles, and we internalize it, and it does more damage than good. So, never assume that just because someone is laughing that they are not masking pain... Don't think that people who are helpful aren't in need themselves... You will never know what a simple call to say hello, what a facebook message, what a smile can do for someone. So, think about that next time you want to post a meme about how you are doing...

For those struggling, know its not over. Know that there is help, and places to go... but go at your time. Don't do it until you are ready. Your friends are great people. Confide in the ones that you know will understand... Find help groups, find something that will make you laugh. But, again... take your time... One thing that helps me out, is the song "Trouble" by TV On The Radio... Their latest album is their first album since Gerard Smith, who was the bassist of the band, passed away due to lung cancer. And I am pretty sure the 4 remaining members had some difficulty trying to cope with the lost, and Tunde written "Trouble" talking about what exactly it feels like to be down... but it helped me out when my dog died when I heard him sing the words "Everything's gonna be OK... I just keep telling myself, 'Don't worry, be happy...'" It helps, and once a month, I post the video, cause I know someone needs those words...

God bless you all, and if you need anything, I am here, and I understand.