Im being bled dry.

I cant be sure if the problem is with me, or with the world... I just don't fit in anywhere, anymore... I am not the same bright and shiny star of the city as I once was, and I believe its because, the world is becoming more brainwashed as the days get older... Everything, now a days, is politically driven. Nothing is discovered anymore. Its all forced. No one has proven to me the benefits what the elected has promised. No one has shown me the greatness to come... I'm hearing the same story over and over again, and I'm stuck hoping that the next time I open the refrigerator, something will be in there... I think I could be going insane. I think I am slowly loosing the grip of my dreams, as reality, disturbingly so, becomes more of burden, than a reason to be happy... With a head filled to the brim with regrets, bad memories, lies, and just general bullshit, I don't know where I can fit in there anymore either. The skin, that I'm blessed with is becoming too closed in... Its becoming tight, unbearable, annoying... Living has become a chore, when it use to be a luxury... When did life become such a chore to where, we have to depend on the materials around us to make our dreams come true? When will we quit allowing the materials be our stall worth in our personal and God given right for the pursuit of happiness? Have we tire of our happiness and gotten use to the mundane, and the dreary? Apparently I have. This is how I feel... this is my reality... dreams are fading, but I'm trying to clean up the mess so, I can harvest them, and watch them grow. I have to clean it up... I want to live. I want to dream, I want my dreams to live... I just hate the work. Might as well get it done right?

SONG OF THE WEEK!

My favorite time of the week! Its when I give you the song that I like this week... This week comes from a Brooklyn quartet that I discovered a year ago, when they opened up for TV on the Radio. These guys stand out in there own unique way... with beautiful harmonies, well written lyrics, and a very soothing and laid back sound to put it all in, Grizzly Bear, is what makes this band amazing... This weeks song is a popular one from the band, and if you pay attention to commercials, the new Volkswagen "punch bug" commercials, the song in the background, is by this band, which is also the song of the week. So here you go! Here's "Two Weeks" by Grizzly Bear, on the album titled "Veckatimest." Hope you enjoy. :)

Change Comes From Within... And Sometimes, The Outside Can Influence It.

So, how I am to better what I am now? How can I enhance me? What would be the best way to better myself, and actually quit living in this fucked up world that I somehow made, molded, and sealed in concrete and steel? I don't know, but I think today was the best way to do it, by trying something new. I don't expect it to stick or anything, but I have a new nickname, that I actually like... I plan on molding something new around it... without allowing it to change me on the inside. How can I harness and control the dreams of wild, and allow them to flourish? Easy! I just have to find a way to open up the flood gates slowly, and control the flow of creativity, and allow myself to be happy with whoever the fuck I am suppose to be. Its not that hard, its just gonna require a change, and a little bit more hard work swimming back upstream. Its time where I stop making excuses, and actually just GO! I hate stepping over people, and I hate it when people step over me, but its going to come down to where I just have to watch out for me, and not allow bullshitters to continue to bullshit there thoughts into me. I gotta strengthen myself mentally, and spiritually. I have to get better for me, and for the ones that I love. They deserve the best that I have, and I deserve to give them the best that I do have, and what I can be. What does that entell? I don't know! I just know that once I work on me, the changes will be evident. If not to me, definitely to you. You, as a friend, deserve my best, and I will give you my best, even if I don't get it from you. :) So, here's to change, and how scary, and awesome, and wonderful, and liberating that it can be. I love you.

There are just some things, that I cant explain...

It is evident, in this time of our worlds history, that people lives more according to the saying "out of sight, out of mind." We would rather have something that we can see and touch in front of us, than to have someting to believe in thats beyond the physical world. And if you have any type of faith, youre looked upon as crazy, stupid, or dumb, as if whats beyond, isnt real. And now a days, its scarier than ever before. People always like to bash those who actually wonders whats on the other side of the wall in the mirror, or whats the furthest star we can find in the night sky... Those of us who have hope, has faith. Some of us who has hope, doesnt have faith, but I definately believe that the 2 coinside. The days of when we had to believe in God to get us through the winter, or get us through this time of difficulty, for example: Slavery, and The Holocaust... Blacks and Jews had to hold on to the little bit of hope that God would send, there way, a savior to lead them to freedom and acceptance from the rest of the world... Another example is The Civil Rights Movement... With such leaders like Martin Luther King Jr., Mega Evers, Malcom X, Rosa Parks, Coretta Scott King also sad to say, Jesse Jackson... These men and women, have strived for equality... and years later, after they all have passed, excluding Jesse, we have gotten here through prayer, hope, and faith. The Jewish people was inslaved by the Egyptians. And it was Moses who led them to freedom. It was Abraham Lincoln who gave my ancestors freedom to be counted as a person, and to be free. And its all an accumilation of faith, that ONE DAY, we would be free... Hope that we will have the chance to be able to live life without boundries, or confinements. And thats where most christians, like myself lies... I didnt wanna live life in the confinements of worldly acceptance... I dont need drugs, sex, or anything popular to be accepted in todays world... When most people see me, they see a nice guy who doesnt do much to try to offend, always wanna have fun, and just live life as smoothly as possible... Some see me and someone who doesnt know what fun is, just wanna stay in, and not do the cool thing... Whatever... Let me lay down who I am. I am a guy who struggles with acceptance. I am a guy who walks on eggshells with his friendships. I would do anything for anyone and make sure that they are ok, even if they wanna shut me, and the rest of the world out. I am a man of my word. when my yes' and my nos' mean EXACTLY what they are. I am a hard worker, who gets the job done... I am someone who likes to laugh, and hates where life has me, but content, with where I am in life. I care a lot, and I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. I dont care to change who I am, but I am being forced to be something that IM not, a mean person... I cuss a lot, and I definately, have a better way of dealing with my anger... I talk about how I would kill them or hurt them as detailed as possible, cause I believe that talking about it, is better than doing it. I am a devout fallower of my Savior Jesus Christ, and I believe beyond the physical. I know where my faith lies, I know where my heart is, and I know that my witness is definately unorthodox... Thats where I lie... I cant speak for other Christians out there, but I know that I am not all that the world thinks I should be. I love to drink every now and then, I love to flirt a lot, and I love to flirt more when intoxicated... I cant get enough good music, I dont get along with my family although I love them... Basically, I consider myself a stone in a river... over time, being resistant to the current, its already polished and smooth, naturally. I know that this is not the end of life... Life will continue after I die... I will see friends and family that believed like I, again. Its not popular to have faith, especially where there are Christians out there who gives Christianity a bad name. always lying, and using Gods' name to cover there asses for some bullshit that they tried to pull by blaitenly taking Gods' name in vein and trying to gain something for themselves. So, basically, this e-mail is to say that, faith is something seen and practiced all day, every day, by everyone. Believe it or not...

I found this weeks' song about a week and a half ago, and I cant go pass it on such a stellar album so far. I have heard this name circle around a few of my friends, and luckily, the day that I heard this song, I found out who sung it, which is the name that Ive heard a few times--Wolf Parade. I don't know much about this band, or how many albums they have right now, I know that there latest project entitled "Expo 86" is mind-blowing. Its high energy, its fun, its really good... but my favorite song of the week, from this band is the best song Ive heard on the album SO FAR! Again, I cant get pass the song! lol But honestly, Its a great tune, that has it all... sing along parts, a reason to dance, a reason to get emotional, its an awesome summer song! So, with no further me, rambling on, here is "What Did My Lover Say? (It Always Had to Go This Way) by Wolf Parade. Enjoy

Part Me, Part Stupidity, Equals You Fucking Up...

Well, I did it again... I decided to be an ass, who thought he was funny, and then put something in my reputation that made me out to be a bad guy... Trying to be funny, is not the thing to do sometimes, and yet, I learned another hard lesson... Not only did I taint a good friendship, I cant trust myself anymore, and its all my fault... Things are cool now and what not, but for my protection, and for there happiness, Im just going to keep my distance from the one I offended the most... The one thing I hate doing more than anything, is hurting my friends, and what you think is innocent fun, it can really put a dent in any friendship... oh well, moving on from there... gues its time to do all the repairs possible from here on. Its crazy... I hate this feeling... but its done now... Just the moving on part is hard, cause Im the type of guy who dont forget shit... But yeah... what can ya do. I owned up to my wrongs, I apologized, I didnt bullshit anyone... And still, the cold. its fukced up... But what I did learn is this... Just dont fuck around anymore, and because, I have been in this hell before, over some bullshit in the past, I just stay away. I keep my distance, and my words. They gotta be the first to talk to me... I just dont wanna go through this ever again. Still learning... But I also learned something as well... THE GOOD GUYS NEVER HAVE THE ABILITY TO LOVE... even friendship is hard to come by, cause you can fuck up and mess up a good thing going. Relationships are fickle and can be difficult sometimes... but you just move on I guess... thats all you can do. burn the bridge, pop some popcorn in the fire, and just sit back and wave from a far. Its safer that way... Cause, with that method, there is no way, I can hurt anyone, there is no way I can tarnish my good name any further, and I refuse to continuously put myself out there... I just gotta use better judgement, and think ahead, even while under the fun of alcohol... Motivated, tought, learned, and now, GO!

SONG OF THE WEEK

This weeks song has to be THE SINGLE BEST song to show the emotion of a man who is going through some shit with a shitty woman. and how much he loves her... The man rather be miserable, than to be free... This very beautiful song is constructed by the late great Curtis Mayfield, called Fool for you... This song seriously catches the emotion in sound and lyric. It is definitely a great song that is rarely appreciated. Sung by The Impressions, its definitely a great song to pick for this weeks Song Of The Week. Every Man can relate to this song in one facet or another, but without further adue... "Fool For You" by Curtis Mayfield and The Impressions.

Saying Good-bye, Isn't That Hard....

Independence Day... A day where most Americans celebrate the day that the Fathers of this nation signed the Declaration of Independence from the British Monarchy that still thought it had some sort of rule over season. which is total horseshit, but yeah, whatever... once a year, everyone is all about hot dogs, and fireworks, and red, white, and blue, and screw you too... anyways, I made that reference to basically blog about my life in current situations... Sometime earlier today, it hit me that I'm holding on to a lot of the past. There is nothing wrong with holding on to it, and wanting to have something to do with it, but when you allow it to imprison you in hopes that people will realize that you still are trying to stay in when they have already set you free... So amazing when that realization finally hits you that, your past doesn't want you anymore... When the people that use to matter has moved on, and didn't tell you that they did, its kinda frustrating... Cause you would think that all the times we laughed, cried, bled, and had a great time, that that would mean something... unfortunately, it doesn't... So, as recent as last weekend, yet another "friend" of mines got married... which takes the number up to probably around 30 friends of mine from my past back home, and here, have gotten married... and out of all those people, only 1 invite. Its OK though... it just goes to show that I need to free myself from the grip of the title "friends are forever." Not true in this case, cause, if they were, there would have been miles put on the car... whatever. Moving on right? So, with me making this declaration that, I'm not the type of person that is considered to be invite able from and by my past, I think its just good to let go. So, now, instead of hugs, strictly handshakes... no need to reminisce, cause its all just lost to the way-side... just another reason of why not to care, cause it doesn't matter to them... :shrugs: oh well... Guess I'll just store those good times in the very back of my brain, just to collect dust and be forgotten... So, with that said, I say this... because they moved on, I'm moving on... And I don't care about there lives, the whats-goins-ons, the future, or whatever. Imma do me now... and with or without them, so, I'm claiming my independence... All I'm going to South Carolina for, is to see family, and to watch my Gamecocks... :) Cool! No more Mr. Nice Guy!!

SONG OF THE WEEK

I have a rule that I strictly fallow, when it comes to me picking the "song of the week," and that rule is to always pick a song from something that I own... Meaning if I wanna play it, i must have it in my hands first... I broke that rule once, with a song that was just so powerful, that I had to share... And today, I am breaking that rule again. Today's song is a song that I heard last year when I went to my first South Carolina Gamecocks football game in late September. I went to see my team play the #4 team in the nation, Mississippi Rebels... And they came out victorious... and in a stadium that wasn't even near compasity, me and my friend enjoyed a great game, and we got down with everyone in there that was decked out in Garnet and Black to this weeks song of the week... I play it because its basically a pump-up song for us gamecocks, that has been used at Williams-Brice Stadium, The Colonial Life Arena, and more recently in Carolina Stadium, where the baseball team plays... It was even used when one of the nations top recruit announced where he was playing football in college, and seriously in a church, this song was being blared throughout the House of God... And to hear this song in the past 3 to 4 days, being that my Gamecocks became National Champions in baseball, it just adds to the happiness and add to the tears of joy. :) So this weeks song is called "Sandstorm" by Darude... Hes a Finnish DJ that is pretty well known in the techno world. Gamecocks of All ages have listened, and loved this song and have pissed off many an opponent with it... especially Clemson. HEHEheheh... Anyways, its a fun fast and awesome song, and I do hope you enjoy. This song is dedicated to the fans of the University of South Carolina, and to the coaches and players of the National Champion Baseball team. Thanks guys :)

Here's a health, Carolina....

today is a day that me and millions around the world that calls themselves "gamecocks" will never forget. On Tuesday night, June 29, 2010, My... No, OUR South Carolina Gamecocks became, for the very first time, in a major sport, National Champions!!! It wasn't in basketball or football, it was in baseball, and it feels good. You can ask any gamecock fan, from the age of 2 to 100, this is what we've all have bee waiting for... we were waiting for the day to call ourselves champions of the nation. Last night, when I watched the game, I missed the game winner... but when I turned it back, I see the team in white and garnet celebrating... and honestly, it took me a minute to gather the fact that the team that I have been patiently, and passionately waiting on for 27 years of my life... I know of many people who have been waiting LONGER than that... a lot longer... but we ALL have waited to actually call ourselves National Champions. For the first time in the 209 year existence of the University of South Carolina, we can say what hundreds of other schools, with thousands of different champions in the major sports can all say, We, too, are national champions! After the game, I went out and celebrated, just like a bunch of other gamecocks around everywhere, and on the way to the bar, I seriously was misty-eyed, and I didn't know what to do... How is a champion suppose to react?! I honestly don't know, and still don't know... I just know that I enjoyed the night. I didn't have anyone to celebrate with, but I seriously had a blast. After the night, I got back online, and I was looking at the forum site that I'm a member of, and to read the happiness from everyone on there was enough to choke a horse... I seriously cried tears of joy for the first time in a long time.

Its evident that, in the south, primarily, fans are loyal, and passionate about there college and high school teams... Reason why, because, that's all we have! We have just those schools that are our juggernauts. These are the institutes of whom sports means so much to us. And some schools have all the luck... Some done, and not saying that we were ever unlucky or cursed, it was just evident that winning was always few and far between for my Gamecocks. We've had the big wins against Southern Cal, Notre Dame, Florida, Clemson, and a number of other schools in our history as a football program; We also had the number 1 ranking in basketball back in the day! South Carolina Basketball was top notch in those days... we were so good, that Michael Jordan was almost a Gamecock. But he went to be a Tar heel, and now he is THE GREATEST. We have always been right there in sports, but for the first time in the history, to be named National Champions in a men's major sport is mind-blowing! Maybe this is what we needed as fans...

For those who doubted, and played on the line of "woe-is-us" and the for the naysayers who didn't want to see this day, due to the heart breaking days of the past, They can finally shut up and just be happy like I am. I know its not a title in football, or basketball, but its a title nonetheless... it doesn't make it any less important... Its just as magical... Those young men have fought tooth and nail to hold on to that title, and to be called champions... And who knows... it might spark something into the rest of our teams, and we will have more than one champion in more than one sport. I always knew that this day would come... I always knew that we would finally be able to call ourselves THE BEST on the fields, courts, and pitch... And on Tuesday, that came true. :) We have the best fans in the world... we will always come back even after a loss, and we will always encourage our boys to do there best, even if it doesn't appear as if they did so. Us fans, embody the spirit of the Gamecock just like those kids who wear those pads, and jerseys. We have waited just as long, and fought just as hard as they did to be in the moment to be victorious! This is a great day for us who considers ourselves to be loyal, passionate, die hard, and patient... We can smile and cry, and just have an excuse to be more passionate for our Gamecocks... A great day for sure... One thing I hope will never happen to us... I hope we do not get big-headed, and egotistical as some of these other schools who have all these titles do... I hope we all stay loyal, stay patient, stay humble, and most importantly, stay hungry for the next one... its not once every 4 years we have a national champion, but we have once in a four-year time to put together magic. and hopefully, not only in baseball, but in basketball, football, soccer, golf, or whatever sport, we can do it again... I hope Pandora's Box was opened... cause its a great time to be a Gamecock fan. :) So to our Yardcocks: Forever to Thee. Thanks again for bringing a smile and a sigh of relief to all of us who calls ourselves Gamecocks. :)