Friday, February 19, 2016

LIES!!!! ALL LIES!!!!!

In a couple of hours from now, I will turn 33 years old. This journey in life will see another year that has come and gone and me become older, wiser, and prayerfully, more mature as an individual walking on this planet... As mentioned yesterday, I am looking for a job. I've had the run around about it, with one hire where I was going to make NOTHING... I went through an entire overhaul of my resume, and NUMEROUS applications, to where I have to do the one thing that I was punished, whipped for, and embraced EVERY consequence known to man for lying, now, I have to do the one thing that I was told not to do, to get a fuckin job.

According to this life, "You gotta fake it, til you make it." You have to "make yourself look presentable," You have to be everything in the world, except yourself, to get a damn job... on paper, and how you "look" to the rest of the world... Me, I can definitely keep up, and look nice for when it calls for it, but, I have to make myself out to be this "bigger-than-god" persona, when all I want is to be hired to work a job I KNOW that I am qualified for...

So, what I am now learning as an adult is that the truth is bullshit. We all want the truth, but we don't want to handle said truth. Me, right now, I am a 32 year old black male, with an extensive vocabulary, a great work ethic, and passion out the ass... But they don't want to know that... They want me to sell them a lie to WHY I would be perfect for their company... I gotta go and lie to my potential employer to just get a chance to prove that I am great. No one wants to know that I have a potential eating disorder, or mental health issues that keeps me from being bold and comfortable in my own skin. I have more self doubt than I do self-esteem. I want to be an editor, and that is what I am studying for. They don't want to hear how I don't like politics, and I don't view sports as the common man. They don't want to know what I do for fun, they just want to know if I look good on paper.

Going back to the main point of this blog, and how lying is wrong... I still know, and believe that it is wrong, and it should not be used, but here I am having no other choice but to lie about myself to merely make a buck. I have never been so afraid to just simply ask for money from my mom. God bless her. She is a hard working woman, who has done so much for me, and I am very appreciative of, but in this time of need, she definitely has stepped in and up for me, in this, another moment of need. So, I understand her being protective of the money, but I  am so afraid to ask, cause of all the looks, and the under the breath comments she makes... Its almost as if I have to put my social life on hold, and the worst time for me to have to do that is in February, for obvious reasons. but, I just cant do it...

I want to work on movies, but behind the scenes... I know right now, I would have to work on set somewhere just to get going in the career I want, but, its so damn hard to get started, especially living where I do. I need to be where my life has been... Truthfully, I need to be back in Atlanta. I need to be around people in the field. I need to be near people who will cheer me on, instead of needing me to get a job to simply help out with bills. I need people to push me to be better than the best individual I can be. I just want to be happy... That's the honest to goodness truth, and right now, I am very close to just be honest with the family, and pursue my happiness. I need to put me on top, and take care of that... This is not a cry to say that I do not nor will I never appreciate my family for all they have done, but the people that has been holding me back, are the ones who say they love me the most...

I don't want to fight and lie for a job anymore... I just want to be able to finish school, and get to work being the creative person that I know I am. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be around people who knows that I am creative, and not so smart to where I could be a philosopher (words from my aunt yesterday). I don't want to professionally think deep. I don't want to get a masters in English. I just want my bachelors in media production, and go as far as I can in that. Call me selfish, or short sighted, or whatever... I know what I want, and I know what God had put on my heart... I guess I have to be more self sufficient, and quit relying for some sort of miracle to happen, in the since of me just having all that I need fall into my lap... I know I can do it, but I wish that I knew what was the first step to take... Oh well... I'm sick of the lies... But I have to. I need money. I need to survive, and figure out a way to move back to the city... Also, we have to lie, cause that's what this country, and most of this world is made up on... Lies. The government, parents, friends, everyone has lied to us...

Anyways... I chose me. I will figure out a way to better myself, with or without blood. I got to... I'm FUCKIN 33 YEARS OLD!!!

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Just A Little Help...

I'm special. I'm brilliant. I should be a professor. Things my Aunt have told me today when I took the, nearly, 2 hour drive to Stone Mountain, GA from Acworth... I have to take the back roads, because I need tires... But I guess we will start from the beginning of everything...

Yesterday. woke up to a missed call from my aunt, with a message stating "Give me a call when you get this." I did... She wanted to talk... not over the phone... So, automatically, I hate the day... If there is anything that I absolutely hate, its having to go to Stone Mountain... Stone Ass, Bullshit Mountain... Now, if it wasn't for the mounting car issues, I wouldn't have a problem with the trip, but because I have balding tires, desperate need for a tune up, and keeping an ever watchful eye on my gas tank as it drinks gas as if its free... Since these are my issues now, going anywhere further than Atlanta takes patience, prayer, and strategy... Even the Valentine's Day party I went to wasn't the easiest decision to make, but it wasn't a 1 hour and 46 min drive to that...

Anyway... I get down there, FINALLY, and all she did was talk to me... I haven't had a talk like this since high school... it wasn't a lecture, it was a "refocusing," if you will. Long-short, I have been looking for a job for the last month and a half, and had some close calls, and one actual hire, but, I couldn't do it for how much they were going to pay. I am not above any job, but working a full time job for less than minimum wage... Not worth it. So, I have been looking for a while. So, my Aunt brings up my age, my abilities, and what I need to do in order to get a job... I don't have a problem with it, but they aren't helping me find a job in my field of study... Right now, that doesn't matter, cause, I need money. I need to make money to catch up on bills, get back in school (only have 4 more classes to go), and graduate...

Right now, its all about working. I have to put my dreams on hiatus even longer... If it was as easy as my aunt made it out to be to just get back into school, I would have by now. The dream situation would be to find a job in the field, and work, make money, and gain skills that way... Right now, I have like 6 people trying to find me a job that requires me to LOOK the part, "I know you're bright. I know you are really smart, but I wouldn't hire you, cause you look homeless." These are the words from my aunt. Now, mind you, I don't mind keeping myself up, but it is so hard to when there is no reason to.

I believe that the outward appearance to the world is up to their interpretation. I can't change the worlds view of me, but guess what... Killers wear suits too... Thieves have been wearing suits since the beginning of time... So, because I don't look like someone of value goes to show that you don't want to get to know me for me. Some things I can change... I can change my weight, I can change my  style. I can change my mind, but when it comes to changing my personality for acceptance, NOT gonna happen...  But here's my reality... Everything that I have, everything that was going well, isn't anymore... Since I made the decision to quit my job at The Aveda Institute, it hasn't been easy. Yes. I made the choice to quit. I put my sanity and happiness above the money. I do not regret the decision, but I wish that things could have been better to where I didn't have to struggle like I am right now... If I was still there, would I be happy? Would I be alive? I don't know... But right now, I am miserable in a new town that I have yet to explore... things gotta change, and I have the power. The only thing that I need now, is the direction... God help me.