Tuesday, October 13, 2015

I'm Over Here...

I was so moved to get out of the bed to tell you something... I can't remember the last wedding invitation I got... I have a lot of close friends who have gotten married, and the last invite came about 2 months ago... I love my friends, family, and everyone in between, but a lot of them, who I felt close to, who I felt that was special to me, made it clear that I wasn't that way to them... I'm just the nice guy... No one wanted me to really, truly be there (except for Jill and Laura, who I had to turn down, because of work)... Friends post pics of parties they were invited to, events they went to, hell... I didn't even know my sister was in town for business, until I opened up Snapchat... The last time I saw her was... 3 years ago? Yeah... That was when our grandfather passed away... I have cousins that I have yet to see here in Atlanta, although they have moved here... I have family CONSTANTLY coming to town for concerts, and I find out after the fact... Who am I to these people?

This all came up when I was telling a young lady that I like how I don't get my hopes up for anything anymore... I called her, and then she later called me back, and mentioned how she was a bad person (which isn't true, cause we all forget), and how she screwed up... I just brushed it off, you know why? I have been looked over and made an after-thought, for most of my life. From middle school, through all 4 high schools, at church, and so on, I have been placed on the back burners... I told her "I'm use to this. I get excited to make plans with friends, and hang out, and something always comes up... be it life, or forgetting... but its all the same damn thing... I am an after-thought." It's ok though... I would probably be left at the alter if I was to get married... I probably wouldn't have 10 people at my funeral... but, I do all I can to make it to everyone else's events. 

"You're coming to my party, right?," "It would mean a lot for you to show up to this event I got going on...," "If you come out, X,Y, and Z will happen..." All these things that I get invited to, I try to go to... Shit, I remember in 1 night I went to 2 different birthday party celebrations, on 2 different sides of town... But the moment I tried to make plans for MY birthday party weekend... no one is around... Thank GOD for the Atlanta Film Festival people... I actually did enjoy my birthday. I networked with a lot of great people, and even got to see a free movie! But, I didn't get to hang out with any friends that I would have loved to have seen. I will probably never try to make plans for a birthday party ever again, and I am totally ok with that! Cause maybe... just maybe... 1 of 2 friends would show up to my party, while everyone else is over at my buds celebrating HIS birthday... I update on the socials of my plans, and I get likes from far away places, and comments like: "If I was there..." Thanks... Means a lot...

But being a number 2 is something that I probably wont escape. So, with that in tow, I will probably, lovingly, make plans that centers around me... My wedding will be non-existent... My relationship status will not exist to the public's eye... I will probably not bombard you every second of the day with what I'm working on. Probably going to forget to be a motivator as well... In times like tonight, 4 months ago, 6 years ago, 8 hours ago, I would rather look like an asshole, than to be set up for, yet, another let down...

Don't go off and feel obligated to invite me to everything now. If you genuinely want me to celebrate YOU and/or YOUR DAY, or YOUR GOING AWAY party, invite me! I would love to come, or if I can't I will politely declined, but being forgotten... SUCKS. Do you know how many friends I keep in touch with back home? 1. You know how many people from my home town has come to visit me personally? 1. Do you know how many times family have come to town, and I had to see if they were in town? I only have 10 fingers... This shit sucks. 

Robin Williams summed it up best:
"I think the saddest people try their hardest to make people happy. Because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anyone else to feel like that." 

Wise words. True words... Real feelings... But I'm ok. 

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

It Must End, NOW!!!!

A little over a week ago, I have read something that both shattered my heart, and enraged me to the point of embarrassment. A friend of mine shared a story of sad news of her neighbor... Read it here.

"My 25 year old neighbor didn't wake up this morning. He committed suicide, overdosing on medication and alcohol. His father told me that he was a junior in college, was making good grades, but his friends had teased him for not being 'black' enough. His girlfriend had broken up with him because she was embarrassed that her friends didn't think he was 'street' enough. This family, the WHOLE family, 3 generations of them, are so kind and sweet. The look out for each other and for me. His grandfather is my closest neighbor; and he's a preacher. Their family and close friends (REAL friends) lined up and down my driveway as they gathered for condolences and prayer. I held hands with them... and up drove a car blasting music and 4 men got out and sauntered toward us to join. His grandfather stepped forward and said, 'We forgive you, but we aren't ready to pray with you. We will pray for you.' No words... We have to stop this shaming culture. It's Manslaughter."  - Meredith Van Sickle

This really tears at my spirit... As a black man who loves things that aren't considered "black," It really shows that black lives really don't matter... It only matters to those who have some sort of agenda to make sure the government stops killing blacks... But if it did matter, this young man should have had the world in the palm of his hands, but because he wasn't "BLACK" enough, he felt like he didn't fit into this world... How fucked up of an individual are YOU, to judge how one conducts themselves? How shitty is your existence for you to break someones spirit for being themselves? You are seriously one fucked up individual.

There should never be anyone to break anyone down for being themselves. Its disheartening to know that there are people so willing to make someone feel lower than themselves... Bullying has got to stop. This young man had such a bright future ahead of him, but now, we will never know how far he could have gone, because to some fuckclowns thought that he wasn't  "black enough." Fuck you.

The reason why I am so upset about an event like as such, is simply cause I, too, have been picked on for what I like and don't like, when it comes to being me. Apparently, no black people are to like hockey, rock, country, NASCAR, camping, cycling, classical, golf, anything that isn't "black." Heaven forbid that he has to shuck and jive to just drink a 40, and talk about the bitches he's fucked, and ride the dick of LeBron James... and wearing every jersey imaginable to match all the shit you couldn't afford on your own...

For a while, its been like that for me. Being picked on by friends and family, black and white, for liking a certain band, or a certain sport, or whatever... Do you know how many plans I broke, because I let an asshole talk me out of doing something, because of the color of my skin? If I ever see that individual again, I'm stomping him out. He's an asshole who can't take the fact that his brother passed away, and he would rather take out his frustration out on everyone, instead of himself... This motherfucker looked me dead in the eyes, and told me that I need to rethink going to Canada, cause I'm black... Fuck him.

It is no one's place to refuse someone the ability to be an individual. I am damn proud of the things I like, love and follow. Its what I decided that works for me. And those things is what I decided for me. No amount of bullying will ever make me be ashamed of myself, nor will it ever lead me to kill myself. If you can't accept anyone for who they are, what they believe in, what they do, or whatever, find your way out of their lives... I want black lives to matter to black people... I want it to move to where its a movement that should start from within, and fester to the government bigwigs... But we all want to be all bent out of shape and upset because a few people died at the hands of cops, and the ones with the cameras wouldn't stand in to fight for their fellow man.. Yeah... That's right... I blame the camera man. instead of capturing the moment, go and fucking help your fellow man... but because YOU wanted everyone to see what got you bent out of shape, COME ON!!! Protect your fellow man, because those who are to "protect and serve," ain't doing that... And now I'm suppose to be bullied into thinking that I should be mad, because you wanted to capture a shit moment? Fuck you.

 Anyone who talks proper, wears clothes properly, or want to get out of whatever fucked up situation that they do not feel is for them, gives them all the power that YOU neglected to allow flourish. Just because someone found a way out, doesn't give you the right to hold them back. LET THEM BE WHO THEY WANT TO BE! There has been such a fight for acceptance by the gay community, the trans community, and the nerd community, but in the black community, if you don't talk a certain way, walk a certain way, be a certain way, you are pointless. We need to quit killing each other, mentally, and spiritually. Its already hard enough to keep us from killing each other physically, but we have SO much time to stop killing each other to bring each other down... Shit has got to change. This thought process that is breaking black people down and shaming them for the way they decide to live, has got to stop. We have to do better to encourage and accept... We want to fight to the weak, but we don't want to fight those who doesn't appear as such...

That young man should be alive, trying to deal with his bad week... but, nope... Hes in Heaven, laughing it up with his ancestors, friends, and God... What he could have been... Had just such a small bit to go to be successful... Taken away because we want someone to be something they are not... "Black." FUCK.... YOU!!!!!

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

The Mask Is Off

In my life, I have had ups and downs emotionally, just like a lot of people... But the last 2 1/2 weeks have been, not only just an emotional roller coaster, but a prison of anxiety, self doubt, self lies, and a prison for my creativity... This mental state just doesn't come along with a warning... It hits you square in the mouth, when you aren't looking. It doesn't have trigger, it doesn't come with instructions on how to get through it, it just sucks. What usually makes you happy or laugh just doesn't work anymore... What makes you angry, makes you sad, and just the thought of trying to get out of your current state of mind, has no plan, or resolution. It's just a darkness that only you can manage...

Depression is so real, y'all... I am in a better place mentally, but I am not fully out of the storm. I haven't done anything that I usually do in a while. I have just been a robot. Wake up, work, home, repeat. While in that routine, its a lot of lies that play in my head, and a lot of "realism," and anger. Realism... A friend of mine, who happens to be a brain doctor, was talking to me, one day in 2009, about "depressional realism." Its when one sees the world for what it truly is, when you are depressed. Not really trying to be happy or live in world where happiness is a drug. It's a real thing. But, the anger... the anger is a mixture of whats inside, and what is on the outside that you cant change. For me, it has been such a sucky time of trying to figure all this shit out, but I have kept myself busy. Between work, and friends wanting to hang out, friends reaching out just to see if I am OK, and just there to give hugs, and love when you are at your mental worst.

For me, it's been a mixture of failure to be myself, a little of environmental, and a little of not finding the happy medium... Its like a loss of control of how you think the world views you... I have social anxiety as it is already... So, as it feels to me, when someone doesn't think something is funny, or doesn't get my humor, or says something in a correcting manner, I am a fuck up for the rest of my life. I do not feel good about myself, or the situation, and I feel like I have failed. I feel worthless, and disconnected from all the fun everyone else, appears to be having. The worse is when I can't get a word in... it really makes me feel unimportant. It sucks... and all those things, is just part of what drags me down and has me feeling low. I do all that I can to not compare myself to anyone and their success, or their motivations... It is very very difficult to actually to be happy of others success, when YOU, yourself, have nothing to show for it. I go to these meet ups, and people keep asking me "so, what do you do?" I tell them, "I'm still 'technically' in school, studying to be a writer and editor..." And I have NOTHING to show for it, except for 1 5 min student film, that I wrote... That, and the 3 scripts that I wish I could work on, but just mentally blocked to not do it... So, as happy as I am with my friend and their successes, its so damn hard for me to be happy or feel like I'm going anywhere, when I literally have nothing to show for it... NOTHING!!!

So, with those factors, its impossible to feel truly happy. I love helping friends. I love being an ear for people to vent in, and being there when I can... But I hate the fact that I feel limited. Its so hard to actually describe the feeling, but if I could, I would say that its like an invisible fence... Freedom is right there... but you know you can't go without getting shocked. So, instead of just going for it, you go in the house, find the furthest room from the front, and you hide in the darkest place and just focus on the fear... That's how it is for me...

No. It is not as simple as just getting out there and trying it, or doing it... It's an unexplained force that is inside of you, that will keep you down. No, your pep talk doesn't help. No. Your cheerfulness and pushing doesn't work either... The best thing to do for ANYONE suffering with depression is to simply give them space, and check on them periodically... DO NOT force them... DO NOT give up on them... DO NOT stay quiet... DO say your peace. DO something to just let them know that you are there for them... DO NOT try to motivate. DO NOT brag about your successes, or ethics... DO NOT talk bad about ones beliefs, thoughts, or whatever... DO be respectful of a persons struggle... You will never fully understand what goes on in someones head, unless you know the struggle...

Like I mentioned earlier, I am almost out of my struggle, but its not easy... I have my friends who are in the same boat as I, and are willing to listen and understand. Suggesting anything to help, won't help, usually... It's up to the individual to finally get over themselves. They will let you know. Just understand by being understanding. The YouTube star, known as Markiplier, just lost a friend to an attempted suicide... The damage was enough to where he passed away. And the friend suffered from depression, and he kept it silent... I can imagine that its the same struggle for a lot of us who do suffer from it... we feel that no one wants to listen to us, and hear our struggles, and we internalize it, and it does more damage than good. So, never assume that just because someone is laughing that they are not masking pain... Don't think that people who are helpful aren't in need themselves... You will never know what a simple call to say hello, what a facebook message, what a smile can do for someone. So, think about that next time you want to post a meme about how you are doing...

For those struggling, know its not over. Know that there is help, and places to go... but go at your time. Don't do it until you are ready. Your friends are great people. Confide in the ones that you know will understand... Find help groups, find something that will make you laugh. But, again... take your time... One thing that helps me out, is the song "Trouble" by TV On The Radio... Their latest album is their first album since Gerard Smith, who was the bassist of the band, passed away due to lung cancer. And I am pretty sure the 4 remaining members had some difficulty trying to cope with the lost, and Tunde written "Trouble" talking about what exactly it feels like to be down... but it helped me out when my dog died when I heard him sing the words "Everything's gonna be OK... I just keep telling myself, 'Don't worry, be happy...'" It helps, and once a month, I post the video, cause I know someone needs those words...

God bless you all, and if you need anything, I am here, and I understand.

Friday, August 14, 2015

Just Give Me A Minute!

Guys, I'm tired... I am exhausted. I am done. This summer, this year, this month, this life, can't end any faster... Every time you blink your eyes, someone's offended... Every time you breathe, someone's standing up for something... Every time I look to my left, you're wrong. Every time you turn your head to the right, you're a retard... Every time you stand up, you're not allowed to think for yourself. Every time you sit down, you're giving up. I. AM. FUCKING. TIRED!!!!

I am tired of being angry, I am tired of being too black, not black enough, wrong for thinking outside the box, right to someone for one SMALL thing I said, all the while missing the big picture in why I said whatever it is I said. I can't like certain things. I can't love other things. I can't speak my mind, I can't hold my tongue... IT IS EXHAUSTING TO BE A HUMAN  BEING IN THE YEAR 2015!!! Even worse, its IMPOSSIBLE to be a passive black man in 2015. I am so damn tired of all the anger, all the one-sidedness, all the "should be's" and the "expectations" that comes with being what the outside says I should be. I just want to go to work, make my money, go out and hang with my friends when I can, go home, and get some rest, just to do it all over again. I don't need to be angry. I don't need to be sick. I don't need to be tired... I just want to sit a few series out, but of course, "consciousness" won't allow it. why is it so wrong to just want to be human? Why do I have to be black? Why do I have to put myself in a box? I just want to be a human.

I feel that I am too old for this shit. I feel that I am just wasting valuable energy TRYING to be something that I'm not... My dog died a month ago... I was pissed off at the vet that we went to, because if her condition was so bad, they could have suggested a 24 hour emergency vet... But no. I drive home, I get a text, I walk in the house, and I see my sweet girl, dead in my mom's room, and I'm pissed off at the vet. Not only am I to be pissed off at the vet, I got to hate the police. I gotta defend a motherfucker that I don't know. It is SO TIRING to have to fight all the fucking time! It is literally killing me, to have to turn on the TV and see another black person being killed by those who's sworn to serve and protect. You know what June was fought over... a flag... A FUCKING FLAG. No... let that sink in... The nation... NATION. THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, was in an uproar over a FUCKING..... FLAG!!!!!! They were not pissed off at the fact that a young man took advantage of the kindness of a church full of people who opened their doors and hearts to this young man... no... We were supposed to be pissed off because of a fucking flag. Fuck me right in the frontal lobe.

This nation is soooo quick to be pissed at "things," and not the body. Oh! And fuck you for being a forgiving soul. ITS TIME TO MALCOLM X THIS BITCH!!!!! ENOUGH WITH THE MLK, APPROACH!!! IT'S TIME FOR ACTION! Why!? I'm tired! It does not affect me! It should not affect me! Why? I'll be more than tell you... No one wants to look back in time, and actually see the progress that has been made in civil and human rights... No one wants to see the laws that was in place, that would have had my great grandfather, a white man, put in jail for a long time for having 3 beautiful daughters, one of which is my grandmother. no one wants to see that the killing of freedom fighters is now a crime where "time served," is no longer valid. The things done to blacks and whites who were apart of the civil rights movement, back then had a a HELL of a lot worse than any of us do today. But yet, we have to be angry and pissed and ready to fight all the time... NO. I'm sitting this one out. I am done trying to appease every other black person. I am done trying to be conscious! I just want to live out the rest of my days on the sidelines, as I hope and pray (which is also something I can't do either, cause, FUCK GOD, RIGHT?!) that shit will right itself one day soon. Love wins, no one's happy... That fucking flag that made everyone lose their fucking minds came down... no ones happy... This nation has been fighting for 93% of the time that its been a nation... why can't we all just take a fucking break, and enjoy some pizza, tacos, and Chinese!? AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

 I just want some peace amongst my friends, and my fellow man! I just want to sleep peacefully! I'M GONNA TAKE A NAP! I just don't want to fight anymore. I'm done! Let me be me, and love me for me, and not for what I am, what I should be, or what I think... ALLOW ME TO BE THE INDIVIDUAL THAT I HAVE GROOMED MYSELF TO BE! Is that too much to ask? Its like I have to fight, just to stop fighting... THIS SHIT IS TOO DAMN MUCH!!!!

Saturday, June 20, 2015

History Can't Be Erased.

One of the more passionate men in political satire, made the country stop and listen to what he had to say in regards to the actions that took place on Wednesday, June 17th, in Charleston, South Carolina. If you are not aware of the goings-on, I'll give you a quick and brief update. On Wednesday, at a bible study/prayer meeting at Mother Emanuel AME Church, one of the oldest "black" churches in the country, steeped in history, was a target for a racist individual. I have seen his name so many times, but I do not utter it. He went in, and sat, prayed, and listened to these people for an hour when he opened fire and killed 9 people, including the pastor of the church, who was also a state representative. He spouted out hateful and ignorant things such as "you rape our women" and other ignorant and hurtful obscenities. After his actions, he fled. He went to North Carolina, where he was found. He's in custody, and naturally, a lot of people want him dead.

Jon Stewart opened up the Daily Show on Thursday, with this passionate speech.

Yes. what he said is true. To get anywhere around South Carolina, you have to drive on the roads, making the generals, and those who fought for the confederacy, roll over in their graves... But there is a lot of history that is forgotten and ignored about the south. Its a sad truth, but it is. No one will ever know that there were slave owners who didn't abuse his "property." You will never know of the Volunteer regiments throughout the South, full of black men who fought for the confederacy. That's digging deep! Too deep.

Now, everyone is attacking the flag. The Stars and Bars... The flag has been made into a symbol of hate... You know what? Instead of me trying to make this sound awesome and amazing, Ill just copy and paste what I said on a friends page in response to a lot of all-of-a-sudden anti-confederate flaggers out there...

"As one, who is from South Carolina, I feel as if I have to stand in... Believe it or not, there was a time in the nation where the south was the footrest of the north. No money was coming in for all the agriculture, and the goods... So when Lincoln was elected, who was big on that subject (paraphrased, of course), that's when South Carolina seceded from the union, soon followed the other states that formed the CSA... And of course, you gor the civil war, and what not... But the symbol of the confederacy, was that of a region in protest. One that wanted it's fair claim to be called and treated like Americans. 

Now, that symbol is used as a symbol of hate... I can see why. There are pictures of lynch mobs smiling and having a good time at picnics (short for "pick a nigger go hang") smiling and laughing as innocent black people died for nothing. Burning their flesh, mutilating them as they hang there, all in good fun... That symbol that is so disgusting, was never intended to be such, nor was the swastika. The swastika is a symbol of peace... It's over 3000 years old, dating back to the days of Troy. But that's a different argument. Back to the point.

Do I think that the flag is wrong? No. I do not. It is a HUGELY important part of the history of my state, and this country. That flag should not fly on top of the dome of the state house. But it should not be erased from history, because racists of the good ole days, didn't lower it after Wednesday. Another important part of history is that Charleston was the beginning of the civil war. 16 hours of shelling, and the union surrendered, cause the fireproof wall, caught fire... And the only casualty... One dumbass horse... 

But that symbol is vital to the history of my home state, and the country. It has the right to be at the state house. Also, in 1998, it was taken down from the a top the state house. But you can not just erase history, because "the streets are named after generals." Those same generals actually lead the black confederate troops. YEAH! Believe it or not, there were blacks who VOLUNTEERED to fight for the stars and bars. My ancestors, my people, fought for the "bad guy." But that is a part of history that a lot of people want to ignore, shuffle off, and believe didn't exist. No one wants to believe that all slave masters weren't Leo on Django... And it's hard to believe. I get it... But it happened... So all the disgust, all the anger should be warranted for the skewed view that has warped our history. That flag should, at least, rest in the halls of the state house, cause it's not just my states history, or the nation's history... It's my history..."

This is my only argument I have for the flag. The flag should rest in the halls of the state house of South Carolina. It seems that there is a movement to erase it from history... you can't... Recently, in a movie, there was a joke that was an American confronting a German about something, and the punch like was "World War II." We love to remind them of their darkest days as a country, while they took pangs taking measures to erase that part of their history... What if they did that to us? What if they just love to haphazardly love to remind us of our history? Trust me. Just like here, there will still be people holding on to those days, where "whites were supreme." And there will be a million more days of war reenactments... You can not erase history. It can not be erased. It happened, no matter how embarrassing it was. I don't hear anyone bragging about how Japan had it coming... Just saying... We did so much damage to that country that the walls still hold the shadows of those who perished the day we dropped those bombs... Let's make light of that, shall we? 

It amazes me, how everyone is all of a sudden so passionate about something, when it should not be a thing, or should have already been a thing. And now, everyone is all about #TakeItDown, but their intention is to try to erase it. No. You can't erase my history. I will not allow my history to be erased. As much as we love to deny, victimize, celebrate, forget, never forget, and remind ourselves of all the other important parts of history, we can't deny that ours happened. And trying to erase history, will never happen. We want to remember our warriors and heroes and celebrate their sacrifices for country... You can't skip over the other parts either. And you can only take away 1 flag... you still have at least 12 flags to let you know, that history will always show that the south, had to do what they had to do... The state flags are symbols of the confederacy, and I LOVE my home state's flag. Palmetto tree and cresent. Beautiful! Don't touch that flag. 

Thursday, June 4, 2015

My Night... What A Night.

Tonight was just about as awe-inspiring as it comes... Thanks to a friend, I got to check out the Center of Civil and Human Rights Museum, and it was almost life changing... The things I saw, and the things that I neglected to allow my mind to realize was right there for me to not ignore. So, bear with me. It was so awesome!

Tonight, I saw hand-written material from Martin Luther King Jr., and other personal affects that he accumulated over the years from his time as a pastor, a leader, and father.

Me and LeeAnne both took our time reading the intro to his serman about marriage... we could not read 3 words, but, it was deep, and powerful, and as soon as its officially transcribed, I would like to try and post it for yall, cause its very powerful.

The exhibits held their own power as well, from the wall of the leaders of segregation, and the laws in place in the states dealing with segregation, to how they dealt with that segregation through schools, and everyday life, and also they had SEVERAL interactive exhibits Throughout there are little panels where you can listen to actual speeches, interviews and music sung during the time, We listened to a Bob Dylan song he sung during the march on Washington, and also heard a song sung by Mahalya Jackson.

But the 4 exhibits that stuck out to me were the "How it was" interactive one when you sat at a diner counter. You put headphones on, and your hands on the counter, and you have to sit through this taping of what it was like for those who were harassed, beatened, and belittled, and abused for just trying to peacefully grab something to eat or a cup of coffee... In front of you is a timer, and a picture of a woman sitting with a few other friends, having a milkshake dumped on her... its powerful.

The other was a walk through the exhibit of the ones killed. The 4 little girls died in a bomb explosion at a church... the 3 freedom fighters in Mississippi. That, by itself, was jaw dropping. And there was a small path that gave you an update on those freedom fighters who made it through. From women and men arrested, or witnessed different life events, to what they are doing now. Then we moved into probably the hardest exhibit from there.

There were TV's blasting the news of the riots that happened after the news of MLK Jr.'s assassination, and the news that Robert Kennedy shared with the crowd that night at his speaking engagement. . On an adjacent TV, was clips of a concert that James Brown put on in Boston the night after. It was played throughout the night in an attempt to keep everyone home.

And the final exhibit that really touched me, was walking up the stares of the series of images taken the moment before, during and after Martin Luther Kings assassination. First picture is him standing in his final spot, and then the second picture is of he on the ground, with his wound covered, then he being carried down the stairs on a gurney, and the last image is someone cleaning up his blood from the spot with foot prints of those who tried to help... Up the stairs on that landing, was clips of his funeral. from the viewing, the funeral, and his final ride through Atlanta, in a horse-drawn carriage. Also, on display was his death certificate, and hand written notes of the funeral costs... Seriously powerful stuff.

But what really touched me, were the pictures of the "Martyrs Of The Movement." I focused on only 2 pictures that stuck out... One was of a young black boy who was 13, that was gunned down by 2 white teenagers coming from a segregation rally saw this young man riding on the handle bars of his friends bike. He was only 13 years old... Those 2 boys that killed the kid, got sentence the max penalty, but didnt serve a day in jail... they only got 2 years of parole on a suspended sentence.... The other one was of a white woman who was from Detroit, and was so moved by the bus boycott that she moved went to Nashville to drive blacks back down to Montgomery... On the way, a klansman saw her, and what she was doing, open fired on her in her car, and killed her... Things like this, sticks with you...

The last part was all about whats going on today in the world... From the movements of yesteryear, to the unrest in the world today, it goes all over the place in the that ideology, as the movement continues all around the world. There was one last interactive exhibit named "I AM..." And when you selected on whichever mirror you were looking at, you could shuffle through Woman, girl, white, black, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, LGBT, and so on... And its all stories of people who have had to hide and fight for their lives before of who they were. The woman was a journalist in Saudi Arabia, who refused to be a woman in Saudi Arabia. The Jewish woman talked about her time in Nazi Occupied Ukraine... The Christian talked about how his family was murdered and how having faith wasn't accepted in his country... So, the fight continues for everyone of faith, color, sex, and sexual orientation.

They had a display of the words worst dictators, from Hitler, to Idi Amean, showed those who are in trial now, those convicted, and those still at large like Kony...  It also gave you info on how you can help, and so on... So, honestly, if you get a chance to go, PLEASE take full advantage. Its powerful... its not YouTube, its not social media... its a small display of our history, and how far we have come as a nation, and how much farther we have to go as a world... I have a brand new perspective of people who have gone through everything that they did, just so I can sit here, and tell you about it... If you think that saying or doing anything that would be deemed racist, sexist, or bigot... don't do it... there have been way too many people to have witnessed, been beaten by, and suffered all the abuses that people are STILL fighting today. You have got to realize that because it may be cool, doesn't make it so. Its amazing the things you will learn if you get a chance to check it out... So yes. please go check it out! :) It was amazing.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

I Warned You!

I was too chicken to post this question on social media, knowing the backlash I would have received for simply, not thinking like others. Call me sensitive, call me a pussy, or whatever... but with so many different strong opinions about EVERYTHING, it's so damn hard to just ask a simple and honest question for  dispelling my ignorance on the subject of a transsexuals choice. The questions I was so afraid to post all centered around questions about what happened to the person that no longer exists? Like, what happens when their kid needs advice from the parent that is no longer their? and What about their past accomplishments? And I also wanted to know what the government thinks... so I asked, What about social security?... These are the questions that I was too damn scared to ask, cause of the backlash of people are so ready to pounce on someone for thinking outside the box, when that same line of thinking leads to nothing but support and appreciation to the "brave."

Since we are on the subject of applauding people for their choices in life... I don't hear any type of celebration for anyone who finds happiness in something different than what the niche says is suppose to be normal. Speaking personally, I never heard one person applaud me for liking rock music... Its met with surprise and awe... I haven't gotten one pat on the back for liking hockey... It was met with this saying "You're the whitest black person I know." But the moment, someone is "brave" enough to be themselves... PEDESTALS! MEDALS! AWARDS! PRAISE!

Excuse me for being or sounding selfish or insensitive, but its all misplaced to me. When ANYONE of ANY COLOR or gender finds ANYTHING that makes them happy, it should ALL be celebrated. Not just the bigger name... No one wants to put the next door neighbor on a pedestal for being themselves... No one is cheering on the coworker who decided to be them self during a time of personal anguish and difficulty... But its always the 1 famous person that is the hero. I can hear it now! 

"But, Jolly! That person is only the first to come out... they can help the next person who is struggling in their own skin." 

True! Not arguing that... I just hate that we have to look at the "famous" person who didn't do anything, but have a way to just make themselves "more famous," if you may... With the press and paparazzi, its easier for anyone to just be themselves. 

By no means am I against happiness, or making your own story, but what I am against is all the praise someone receives for counter culture choices. At a recent get together, I was talking to a new friend, and Sam Smith's song "Stay With Me," came on the play list, and the guy who I was talking to, who was gay, mentioned that he did not like how Sam Smith got his success. He believes that your talents should speak for themselves... Not who you fuck. But, because he was riding the waves of "I'm gay, and I got my heart broken," he shot  up to fame... Shouldn't be that way... Antics and life choices should not allow you to be famous... Let your talents speak for itself, and let your private life and your private choices be that. But if you are doing it to save the next life, do so... But don't do it, because you are finally comfortable with yourself. Selfishness will finally be forgotten, just like Michael Sam... That asshole was so damn selfish. that's he's not in the NFL... His selfishness allowed him to be playing in Canada, than his actual talent.

But again. I am not against any one's happiness... I am not against any one's perception of them self. I am, however, against anyone who blindly celebrate any one's decision, when there are a million and a half other people doing the same things, and no one is doing ANYTHING about it. Put 1 famous person, who's only famous cause of his step-daughters ass, who signed up for another shitty reality TV show, gets the easy way out... I do not know the inner struggles of feeling as if you are trapped in one gender and always felt to be another... I don't want to know. But in different degrees, we all have felt different, unwanted, unhappy, different, abnormal, abandoned, and not ourselves, JUST TO SAVE FACE... I listed mines, and I know that they are not in the same breath as being a woman trapped in a man's body, or vice-versa... But, all of us, who didn't have a chance to tell our stories, it's kinda fucked up that everyone celebrates a celebrity and neglect our friends, neighbors, classmates, teachers, confidants, and what have you, struggling with the same fight...

I don't see anyone meming the 99... Just the 1... PRIORITIES!!!!

Sunday, February 22, 2015

This Is What I've Learned...

Let's go back in time a bit... Before we do, let me tell you this... Sometimes, some things just don't come straight to me. Some times I literally think about what I am going to say, and how I am going to say it. This blog is one of those moments that we go all the way back in time. The subject I am going to talk about is an accumulation of a lot of questions that begs answers in today's political correct world. Most of what I will say will not sit well with a lot of you, because the truth is never easy to understand. Some of you will agree with me, and some of you will realize that certain methods is learned, and passed down through history, and time... So, if you don't want to read this, then I don't blame you... If you are still reading, here's a reminder... This is MY BLOG. I will talk about whatever I want, and I will lovingly allow you to agree or disagree with what I think. However, do not expect for me to answer back to your ideas if I am right or wrong... In this world, my word is right, just, and fair. If you don't like it, go back to yours, or create your own.

Adrian Peterson had a long year... Here is a timeline of what went down. Adrian Peterson became Public Enemy #2, thanks to Ray Rice and what he did to his now wife, in an elevator. But everyone wanted to pounce on Mr. Peterson for how he disciplined his child. A doctor claimed that the bruising on the child was "consistent with child abuse." Well, I didn't see it as such. Since when did America FINALLY cared about the welfare of a child, or a person for that manner? Too many times we sit and watch cute little animal videos, or talk about how this and that person is so evil for killing/hurting/abusing/leaving out an animal, but when it comes to our fellow man, we could give less of a shit. There are more laws to protect animals, than there are to protect women of abuse. There are more centers for animals, than there are for children. And lest we forget that men get abused too, right? I have yet to see any type of group or main center try to do anything for men, like the ASPCA and PETA and the WWF does for the lions, tigers, bears, puppies, kitties, and ponies of the world...  But what do people have? The Police? HA! I have a friend who was thrown around her apartment by her shit fucker ex, that will not do a damn thing about it... You never hear anything about abuse shelters for people. and the child-abuse hotline is a joke... You don't hear the outcries of people for people, but let a panda get haunted... let a whale get caught... let an elephant get hunted... Everyone is up in arms...

Today, the only reason why people care for people is because of social media... with the riots in Egypt, the war in Ukraine, the genocides in Africa, The dirty law enforcement in Mexico, and Brazil, and the money stealing fuck holes that are OUR ELECTED officials, we want to do something! What about the man woman and child, across the street? Why can't we care about them? Why is it now becoming a huge subject? Why is a league trying to save face when all of its dirty laundry came out last year? I don't know... but let's get back on subject...

Adrian Peterson was indicted with charges of "reckless or negligent injury to a child."

::Here's where it gets real:: 

For a LONG, LONG time, in this nation... a lot of black parents used all types of things to discipline their children, ranging for belts, wooden spoons, switches, cords, rope, shoes, you name it. My mom did the same thing to me when I fucked up when I was young. School, was NOT for me, and because I fucked up in school, I got my ass beat. I have had welts on my arms and legs and back, and ass, and went to school the next day. I made an apology, life continued. My mother loved me enough to make sure that I didn't end up in the street or dead or on drugs... for most it worked... for some, not so much, but it definitely gave us an appreciation of what is right and wrong, and what will have us get by in the world of the Caucasian America.  What the little boy did was push his brother, and Adrian Peterson nipped it in the bud by disciplining his son the way he was taught to by his father, which was taught by his father, and so on and so on and so on, because his great great great great grandfather learned it from his master, who did this to him.

So, this whole idea was taught, and passed down to GENERATIONS of blacks, until when 2014 it ALL of a sudden became an issue of ABUSE... Ladies and gentlemen, This is not a black problem, this isnt a white problem... this is mind control! In order to break the spirit of a man, who did or did not say or do ANYTHING that the masters said that he or she did or didn't do, they took a whip to the backs of those overworked, and SEVERELY underpaid men and women, and beat them til their legs were paralyzed as a self defense mechanism. I'm not going to bring up lynching and burning of blacks in the early 20th century as entertainment for whites, commonly known as "Picnicking." That's another story for anther blog...

But now... NOW... a little black boy who was disciplined by his father, who learned it from his father, and so on, who was treated like property from a white man who wanted to make sure that his "property" knew how to behave, and do what he said some 400 years before this event, is now an issue... With all the cops getting away with murder of innocent men and women, and women abusers being put in the position of Public Enemy #1, because of a lapse of judgement at the wrong time, who did not have any history of abuse or causing any problems with the league, This was the LAST thing that the league needed to have happen, right? "THAT IS A 4 YEAR OLD CHILD, FOR GOD SAKES!" exclaimed Boomer Esiason on the CBS Football Sunday show. That made him an abuser! And of course millions of white Americans agreed with him, in his IMPASSIONED cry in his speech...  I can tell you that most, if not all of black America saw it as a father loving on his son. If I went back in time and told you how many times my mom may have hit me one too many times a little too hard, it would be around 5 or 6 times from 2-15... That's not including beatings from grand parents, aunts, uncles, and teachers...

See, back then, America wasn't gonna raise bitches... Now a days, if the kids grades aren't good, or if the kids attitude is wrong, its on the teachers! To hell with the parents! The parents don't know what to do anymore! We gotta say a special prayer for the parents of little Timmy who likes to destroy stuff! Don't get him and his roaming gang of 5 year olds go into a restaurant... Shit's about to get ALL fucked up... But this man, who was disciplining his child the way a father was suppose to, to let his son know that he was not about to treat his family, or ANYONE for that matter in a manner to shame HIS name, is looked at as such a bad person... No. He was a loving father! Just don't tell today's P.C. America that.

My mother did a fucking amazing job raising me, and disciplining me all on her own. I turned out fine. My cousins are DJ's, engineers, Coast Guard, Lawyers, mothers, fathers, and GOOD, LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS OF THIS COUNTRY... and they all got their asses beat... I don't see them not doing the same thing to their kids... maybe the methods will be different this time, but, I can guarantee you... Anyone in my family's with the last names Hayes, King, Bell, Stewart, or what have you, will not stand around and allow ANY child bearing their name, to embarrass the name, that my ancestors have worked so hard to make sure that it stands the test of time in this country and world. Those names will be prominent in the halls of congress, the senate, and maybe even the seat of the Presidency of this country, one day. It will be written in credits on silver screens all over the world, and it will not be in the news for murder, conspiracy, money laundering, or any other crime... IF one of our names is in the news, its probably because the sons of the masters are using that scare tactic passed down from generation to generation to keep us at bay! But instead of whipping us.... they are killing us.... Scary.

Monday, February 2, 2015

Addiction > Love/People < Compassion

Today is the second day of February, of the year 2015, and I can now say that I am VERY happy to have moved away from my home state of South Carolina. I am a DAMN PROUD South Carolinian, but, I refuse to be tied to a state where assholes run rampant. It is so embarrassing to call myself a Gamecock fan sometimes, because of some of the people and their ideologies of what is right, wrong, and accepted. It's more so embarrassing to be from a state where you are conditioned by the media to think and feel a certain way for a fellow man...

For those of you who don't know, and don't give a shit about sports, The quarterback for the Cleveland Browns, Johnny Manziel entered rehab. I got the news from gogamecocks.com. Their Facebook status says "Manziel enters treatment, could be an opening for Connor Shaw next season." Now, to those same folks who don't care, Connor Shaw was a 3 year starter for The University of South Carolina's football squad. He won every game at home as a starter, and lost 4 on the road and 1 at a neutral site, I believe... He was an undrafted signee for The Browns and started the last game due to a bunch of injuries to the previous 3 play callers... With that said, I will talk about why I did not like that title of gogamecocks.com Facebook status. As happy as I am for anyone who has played for my favorite college team, who gets a better chance to prove themselves, I am not going to sit around and think that its OK to kick someone when they are down. GoGamecocks.com made it clear that they, on the other hand, do find it OK. So, I say on their thread, "The title suggests that you are kicking someone who is down," and I also stated that "I am a human before I was even a Gamecock." I got several likes about it, but I wasn't looking for likes... I was just telling someone that their wording was not good, because of someones problem with addiction.

Now, I have mentioned it before, but I have my addictions, just like everyone else... Some people can handle theirs a lot better than most. But for the others of us, it's a lifetime battle . I have been fighting porn for a LONG time. I win sometimes, it wins others... but its a battle that will continue for a while... For some, they don't want to see it as such. But I know what I struggle with. It's not fun. It's a waste of my time, its a waste of my energy, its a waste of progress and creativity, but I struggle with it, and I do not take it lightly. The same can be said for any alcoholic or druggie who is trying to do right for themselves. Drugs and alcohol can give you a feeling like no other. It has properties to numb the pain of issues we are not ready to deal with, or we think no one wants to hear about. That is why addiction is so powerful, because the only one who is willing to listen to us, is the demon we are trying to fight. He's the only one who is willing to give us what we want right now, that good good feeling... People who don't want to hear us when we are screaming for help (R.I.P. Amy Winehouse) just tell us that they are going to pray for us, or encourage it, or just ignore all the warning signs that we are headed down the express lane to our downfall. So for Johnny Manziel or anyone to get help is a sign that they care more about themselves and their lives than the party. That is called self-preservation. He wants to live a long and healthy life, and I hope and pray that he has a GREAT support system.

A lot of people only see Johnny for what he is/was-- a spoiled rich kid getting away with everything. But no one wants to see him for what he is now-- a kid crying for help... But what some Gamecocks fans see is Connor Shaw's step towards being a full-time starting QB for The Cleveland Browns...  Now, one thing that has always worried me about the recent success of my Gamecocks was how the fans will act, and react to this new standard of success... Since Coach Steve Spurrier has graced Williams-Brice Stadium in Columbia, South Carolina, a new era of Carolina football became the new norm... now after 11 seasons there, The Gamecocks has done so much more in hist tenure as head coach than anyone else since Joe Morrison. But with consecutive 11 win seasons, 4 straight bowl wins, 1 SEC East title, beating Clemson 5 years in a row in the first time in a LONG time, big name recruits like Marcus Lattimore, Stephen Garcia, Stephon Gilmore, Jadeveon Clowney, Melvin Ingram to name a few, my Gamecocks have seen success like never before. With that success comes a change of mindset by the team, which is adapted by fans, and now makes them looks like arrogant assholes. I blogged one time about this one fan who was telling a GA fan how "classy" he is after a huge win. But that fan was all in the GA fans ear because it was a blow out... Credit to the GA fan for having class and biting his tongue, but still success has brought out the one thing I never wanted to see happen to my Gamecock faithful... It turned some of them into mean, snarky, unnecessary assholes. The same crowd that has been told that are "the best fans in the nation," are unforgiving, unprecedented, non-understanding assholes, and I am ashamed to be considered a Gamecock fan, because of these few.

I bet you any amount of money that if that was George Rogers today, you wouldn't say the same thing about him, like you are about Manziel. But I'm not going to get into all of that. This next concentration of thought is dedicated to the my overall denial of the state of the people in South Carolina... Now, before I start, I will say this: This is not dedicated to ALL of the beautiful people of South Carolina. I don't care who you are affiliated with, when it comes to your college choice, I don't care who you think should be governor, or what you do for a living... This is my thoughts of how I have seen my state grow in the past 18 years since I have moved from her... Not everyone is this way, nor will I pin everyone this way... I mean no offense by what I say, and if you do get offended, that is on you... Every time I go back to visit, its either to see My Gamecocks, or its to see my family... And every time I have gone back, I have seen friends married, friends be successful, friends close doors to me, and even worse, friends not even want to see me when I'm in town... My hometown has changed a lot, and I am happy to not be apart of it. I have had friends come into town, that I didn't even know until I found out on Facebook. I have had friends just stop by and talk about how big and awesome Atlanta is, but wouldn't want me to go out and show them around so they know all the cool spots of this amazing city... But no one said anything except for a special and select few. That's just friends. I have seen old friends at bars, tried to catch up, but blow me off. I went home for a concert not one friend wanted to hang out. now, I understand. We are adults, having to do adult things. I get that... But its still cool just to let me know that you know that I am alive... But lately, it seems that its never fun to be in SC. The growth of popularity of the sports squads, has brought out the worse in the people of the state. But who's to say that I wouldn't be the same way if I was there? I just hope and pray that I never turn that way.


This all came about because of that Facebook Status... It seemed very "kick a guy while he's down." And some attacked me because I showed compassion for someone who is struggling. I can't thank God enough that a few can't speak for many. But one guy went as far to say that "He had it coming." Another was calling him all types of nasty stuff... I can't odd dealing with some people. Clearly there is an ignorance of people who are battling addiction. Obviously, these people think God put them in a special place in life to wear they can look upon strong people at their weakest point in life, and think that they never have to deal with any issues ever... But they are wrong... they have a better support system than most people do, or they just don't want to deal with themselves... Always make sure your ass is clean before you talk about other peoples shit.

Instead of being a fan of your team, or your players, let's put that aside and hope and pray that the struggle gets easier for those who are struggling to get their lives back in order. No matter how rich, poor, skinny, fat, short, tall, black, white, red, brown, yellow, purple, green, blue, democratic, independent, republican, you are, we all struggle. The last thing anyone needs to do is show hate and berate anyone for them choosing life over the party... There are many a celeb that I do not like. One being Cam Newton. I do not shy away from my feelings about him, but if he was dealing with an issue, I would hope and pray that he get the right help and surround himself with the right people as well... Being cold to those who are down brings nothing but small mindedness to who you already are, which is a piece of shit. Don't be a piece of shit. Be understanding that you and others are not immune to the temptations of what makes you feel good... Just know that you are BLESSED to have such a strong support system to not allow you to fall into the trap that is addiction. Some are not so lucky... some have to fight off more than just the addiction... They have to fight the media, and the opinionated... And just like the ALMIGHTY Gamecock fans, that has NOTHING really to brag about, because there isn't a title enclosed with the football squad, has no room to talk about anyone who is dealing with addiction.

I do hope Johnny finds a way to deal with his problem, and I wish the same for everyone dealing with whatever that they are dealing with... Its never easy to put ourselves into shoes of the affected, but its always easy to kick them while they are down with our shoes... NOT cool... South Carolina, and everyone who thinks they are above anyone needs to check themselves... Connor Shaw is probably showing more support to his TEAMMATE than any loyal Connor Shaw fan... Think about that. FOREVER TO THEE. And by all means, SC, quit being assholes. Be loving, accepting, and for the love of God, INVITE ME TO A WEDDING OR 2!

P.S. You NEVER bring politics into a conversation about sports... There was one asshole who did... Just... Just shut the fuck all the way up...

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

A Letter To Myself, From Myself.

Dear Jarrett,

By the time you read this, you will be a man. You will be someone who had to learn about life the hard way, and someone who will appreciate why, after 31 years, you have become the man you were meant to be. I can tell you that there will be more times than not, that you will allow "self-doubt" to win over your heart. You will constantly second guess yourself, you will take the lazy approach, and you will, for some odd reason, think that the world will owe you. But trust me, all of the pangs, and shit that comes with your life, you will be amazed at the people you will meet.

Your family will love you, and you will love them... but you will love them more, from a distance. You will rarely call them, you will rarely connect with them, but when you do, they will know, and you will know, that they love you for you. There will be amazing people that will come in, and leave your life, just as fast as they came in, There will be heart break, heart ache, and dealing with assholes of all shades of shit... But we will get to that later.

Your first memory will be of your dad smoking in the car with you... By this time, you will never want to try marijuana, ever... and trust me. It will be a hot subject when you grow up. You will not advocate it, you will not abide by it, but you will be near it, more than not. The first major thing that happens to you, according to mom, is that you had a seizure when you were even younger. She wont tell you that, until you are 19. Then, there's Rebecca... When you meet her, she will take your innocence. You will do your best not to allow that to make you, but trust me... you will need to get some help... That is on the to-do list for me... You will be bullied a lot as well. When you are about 6 or 7 or so, you will have neighbors that are just complete fuck tards. Not nice people. Fuck them. Also, your first Hurricane happens September 19, 1989.  But I am rambling... Let me give you some advice...

When you get older, you will finally feel yourself out. You will accept that you like what you like, hate what you hate, and try your best to do something about it. But remember this, if anything at all... LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. There will be times, when you see yourself in a picture, and you call yourself  a "moo cow." There will be times, where your family will honestly look at you, and compare yourself to everyone else that is doing better than you... Fuck that noise. MAKE YOUR PATH. Be you. Be happy with yourself. Love EVERYTHING about you. Love your flaws, love your man titties. EVERYTHING about you. Just love it. If you feel its time to change it... do it. Do it because YOU want to. Don't do it because the health nuts, and the texts always says that you should... do you, for you, when YOU are ready. I give this to you now, wishing that I could have heard this when you become 12... But you don't... The only advice that someone will give you is probably the greatest words you will ever here... Mrs. Fetner, LOVELY woman, will look you dead in the eyes, and tell you "Don't grow up." Seriously... don't... it is a trap. Being an adult is the worse decision of you life.

One thing your mother will do, is instill manners. These will be your saving grace as you grow older. Respect is something that you will give, no matter who it is. Boy, girl, man, woman, whoever. Your manners, will win over a lot of people. Speeking of people, there is a whole heap of them to avoid. Sucky thing about being you, is when you are like you are, you will attract a lot of people. Here are some people to avoid. Mary, Whitney, Dane, Chris, Angela, Benjamin, Laura, just to name a few... But you will fall in love with Amy, Jimmi, Cliff, Lindsay, Lindsey, Linsey, Emily, Charles, Andrew, Joseph, Leslie, Adam, Melissa, to name a few. Just be yourself, and when you encounter these people, you will know how to deal with them. Keep them at a distance, or love them at a distance, or hold them close. You will figure this out.

One other thing I can tell you to do is this. You have GOT to find a way to take a compliment... Compliments are a good thing for you. They don't mean any harm. But when growing up, you don't like them... its as if you did something wrong. You didn't just the way you were brought up, conditioned you to feel that if you didn't do anything wrong, you just don't know how to take it... Every teacher you encounter, every "friend" that you make will ridicule you for something... Not your fault... Just be grateful that someone notices you. They know you, your potential, and see where you are short changing yourself.

But trust me... so far in your 31 years, life has been pretty good. 18 years ago, you moved to Atlanta. You hated that decision, but its the best damn thing to happen to you. The people, the times, the experiences, all of which will make you a more appreciative, and appreciated individual... Just promise me this... When you get to this point, just appreciate life. Be proud of your compliments. Be blessed and humbled by the people you know. Celebrate the successes of your friends, enjoy every experience that comes your way. Say no less, say yes more, and for the love of God... learn how to manage money, and quit lying. Trust me. Your soul will appreciate it.

Young man, may God hold and bless you in this journey. I think you will enjoy it. Love ya, kid.

Cheering you on,

Jarrett Hayes, A.K.A Jolly Green