Thursday, June 23, 2011

From The Bottom Of My Heart.

Sleepless nights like the one, I had tonight, is just an indication that, something bigger is about to happen for me. With the shitty year that I have been having so far, it couldn't come at a better time. With a fire getting under me, to finally do something with myself, it was the greatest decision to ride out this river of shit, called misery. With family, and friends, and complete strangers praying for me, I can now start to feel them working, as life begins to turn around. I hope... But before, I can really start to feel the affect of happiness, I feel as if I need to get a couple of things off my chest... And, its not what you think. Its not even one of those things where I am asking for you to listen to how I hate life right now, or how, I wish that life was different, no! Yes! I do hate life, and I wish that life was different. But I am here to say to everyone that I love, dislike, hate, mistreated, under appreciated, over appreciated, took advantage of in whatever form, annoyed, talked about, laughed at, laughed with, cried over, cursed, lied to, and broke promises to that I am truly sorry.

In my 28 years of living on this planet that holds 2 promises, rotation and death, It took me til now to honestly have the courage to look into the mirror, and in my heart to know that, I need to make room for the new, and getting rid of the old. And most of the old, is all these memories that I cant seem to shake. The moments that I am embarrassed about ever happening, is whats keeping me up at night. The mistakes, and the lies, and the wanting to be the victim, is all getting in the way, and is holding me down... So who's first to apologize to? How about the people that are the closet to me? My family.

To my Mom, my Dad, my Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins, and my beautiful little sister, I am sorry. I'm sorry for not calling more often, or coming around more often, and just appearing to not give a fuck. I do. I do care about you, and what you mean to me as an individual. I love y'all so much, and I don't know if I will ever be able to truly express my joy of being apart of the exclusive groups that I was born into. But, I do love you, and I do want to be a bigger part of the family. I cant promise you that I will start showing my face more, but, I just want you to know that I love you, and that I appreciate all the prayers, and the thoughts. I know that I have under achieved in my life, but, thank  you for being my biggest fans.

To my friends back home in South Carolina. Where do I begin to start my apology? I don't know... I guess I can start by admitting that I was an asshole... Ive allowed my ignorance to get the best of me, and I allowed my wants to become bigger than my love and appreciation for you. The jokes we shared, and the multiple laughs, not to mention the sweat, and the good times on the gridiron, just goes to show that, you will ALWAYS have a place in my heart, in my mind and in my soul. Thank you for opening your doors, hearts and arms to me. Thanks for taking, and ignoring my many phone calls, and I'm sorry for wasting your gas as you went back and forth to pick me up from my grandmas house... OH! and whatever trust I may have severed, I don't blame you as well.

To my friends here. I am blessed to be in this industry, blessed, to fall in love with so many different souls, and I thank you for the multiple nights full of laughter, but I know that I may have pissed some of you off with saying something, gesturing something, or even not doing something. I am sorry. The way I acted around you when I was/am going through the last 4 months of life has been personally unacceptable, but, through it all, you have been there, and you have accepted me, and I am grateful. But I am really, and truly sorry, for my actions, towards you, if I offended you in any way. Y'all mean the world to me, and I don't want to loose any of y'all.

I feel better... I haven't, and will not go into anything super personal, but for those friends and family members that I have done wrong deeply, I am very very sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you that way, or any way for that reason. Life would be different for all of us if my actions was different, but, I do love you, and I am truly sorry.

With all that said, I think I can finally move on in life. I can begin to feel better and allow my life to flourish. I just have to be more aware of my surroundings and actions, and I will grow... As life continues, and I try to stay afloat, and move on in this river of shit called life, I can feel better about myself as a person who's trying to make an impact in the world. I love y'all dearly. Thanks for allowing me to be apart of your lives.

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