Thursday, January 27, 2011

"Tell Me What Led You On, I'd Love To Know"

Heavy hearts leads to heavy emotions. It's has been a journey to try to wrap my head around the loss of a good friend of mines... I learn of this loss after I woke up Wednesday afternoon, and all I felt, before, was an unexplainable emotion of peace and excitement, after enjoying a night of witnessing for the first time, one of my new favorite bands play live, Little Dragon. It was so wonderful to enjoy good music live again... its been a minute since I went to a concert, and it was what my soul needed. But what I didn't need was the sad news of knowing that a friend of mines, with an award winning smile, died... As far as I know, it was an apparent suicide that took her life, but, I want to hold out hope that its not true... Maybe it was an accident, or it was an asshole who did it, and made it look like she did... I don't know how she went, but, I know that Its not easy to fathom the fact, that such a great woman, and friend, is dead... Its never easy to grasp the reality of death... I knew for 2 years, that my grandmother was going to die, but the day she died, wasn't easy, nor was the funeral... I tried to hold it together, but when my cousin started crying, I lost it... Saying good-bye is never a good day... Saying good-bye is never a good feeling... Saying good-bye is never easy, but it is what it is... God knows what He's doing when days like this occur. Its just so hard to believe that for a life with such a testimony of God's goodness, was too hard to handle anymore... I wonder what goes through the minds of those who's ready to end it all? Is there no tomorrow? Is there no way of seeing the impact that you had on the world by carrying a smile, or a good joke? Do you visualize the impact of making the conscious decision to end it, and what it could do to the ones that loves you? Like I have mentioned before in other blogs, I fight with depression, and I do have the occasional suicidal thought, but, no matter how low I may feel, or how shitty things turn out to be for me, I cant fathom allowing the world to win... But, who knows. I say that now, but, what about the next time? Will I have the strength to continue? Will I have the reasons to live? Or will, that time, be the time that push me to painlessness, peace, and rest in the arms of God? I do not EVER want to get to that point, but, God may test me, and see  how much I can take... I can take a lot I know, but, I don't know if I can take whats it store, but you know? I hope I do. What is something I learned in this tragedy? Ive learned to make sure that the loved ones know that you love them. You don't have to say it, but they just need to know. I could be through a hug, it could be through just hanging out, it could be through a shared laugh, or even a pat on the back, but you have got to allow those to know that you love them. If you don't love yourself, then find a reason to love that thing that everyone else either loves about you, or doesn't. Cause in the end, you are all that you have in this world. That, and the faith you place in whatever it is, that is your higher. You just have to allow yourself to see through today. Although, its not promised to ANY of us, tomorrow is brand new. Allow tomorrow to be a motivation to just make it through the pain and the heartache you feel right now. If you are on the brink, try to find a way to get it out... Just allow your talents to flourish... Why do you think I made this blog? I made it to keep my sanity, and to advance my love of writing. But, with heavy hands, and heart, I say to Ayanna Bell, I love you, and I thank you for the impact you have made on my life. You were intricate in my spiritual development, and I cant wait to see you again, But until then, rest in peace, hun, and my the Good Lord hug all the pangs of life away, and you enjoy eternity, and the beauty that I imagine it has. I will miss you, so will your family, your FBA family, and your handsome son... I wont be there for your home going service, but I will be praying for your family... Good-bye Ayanna... I'll see you soon...

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