Tuesday, December 21, 2010

That Little Bit Of Light

This summer, I thought I was going to die. Seriously! I thought that, I was going to drown in the Ocoee River the day that we, as a company, went to go whitewater rafting. I thought I was going to fall in, my leg was going to get caught under a rock, and I was going to end my life right there... And, the moment that I for sure thought it was going to happen, was when we did this thing called "surfing." We hit this one rapid, and somehow, I lost control, fell in, went under the raft, and in a mode to where, I didn't panic, cause, I had to remember the things to do to keep me alive. Head up, feet in front of you, and just remain calm... well, it would have been easier to do, if I just didn't have a nose full of water, but I managed to keep my cool, have a laugh, with my team, and get pulled in, and continue the fun... It was my fourth time whitewater rafting and the 2nd time falling in... I was pushed in as well, but that doesn't count.

But, I tell you that story to get to the real subject of this blog. As some of you may or may not know, I have bouts with depression. Its not clinical or anything, but I know what I feel... and when I get deep into it, I eat a lot, and I think about "my buddy." "My buddy," is a gun... I don't have a gun, but, I know, that I'm there when I see him. And depression is just like what I thought was going to happen to me this summer. When you think theres no way you re going to get out of this, you can, and you will... All you need to do is stay calm and force someone to pick your big ass up. When I say that,  not talking about someone physically picking you up in the case of being physically rescued, but if you need out, you have to force someone to listen to you... its easy to just go through life living in the lie that your head is telling you, but its even easier to ask someone that you can trust to just listen... When I get like that, I feel as if everyone hates me... Like, I pissing everyone off for something I did... and, I hate to do that. I hate to let my friends, and co-workers down. But if I let one down, I feel as if I let them all down, and no ones happy with me. And when I reach that point, I don't even want to drink. And as much as I like to drink, when I feel like it, when I'm depressed, I don't want to, ONLY because, I don't wanna be that type of drunk. lol I like being the happy drunk. Being a mean, and grumpy drunk and bitching about the world, is not who I am, or want to be.

But, its a feeling that I know the world cant understand, and I cant explain. its not an easy feeling, and not an easy spell to break... All you can do, is pray, and try to convince yourself that its better than what it is... Ive been sitting on this subject for about 2 months now, because of the situation that has happened back in October, when The Gamecock Nation learned that South Carolina's All-time Leading Receiver, Kenny McKinley, shot himself in the head, and its because of depression, and gambling debt... He kept in touch with a lot of friends, and he was known for his smile... and to find out that a young man, like him, suffered, and thinking the easiest way out was killing himself, just shocks the world... That's the thing about Depression... its a ghost... No one will ever know who's walking around with thoughts of ending it, or thoughts of feeling alone, or just thoughts of sadness. Everyone deals with it differently, but, those of us who suffers has to over think the situation, and fight our way out of it... For the last 15+ years, I've manage to not kill myself, and to just know that its not going to be easier with me away from the world... I have a purpose, and I will go when God is ready for me to go...

Depression is heavy weight to carry, but, it can be manageable, with the right people, and importantly, the right hobbies... Things that help me out is writing and music. Cause with writing, you can allow the pen to bleed for you, and with music, it can just make you feel better... Before work one day, I was in a shitty mood, then I put on some Florence + The Machine, and I felt the anger melt away... Music is powerful against anything that makes you feel bad... So, I write that and end with this... If you do suffer as I, I urge you to find someone that you know you can talk to... they don't have to be the greatest of friends, but if you can trust and know, that that person can and will help you through the thickest and the thinnest, and if they aren't available, find something creative to do. Find a way to manifest that pain into something beautiful and that the world will feel. And if that doesn't help, find your favorite musician, and make him or her, or them melt the pain away. Can you do that for me? Please?

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