In my life, I have had ups and downs emotionally, just like a lot of people... But the last 2 1/2 weeks have been, not only just an emotional roller coaster, but a prison of anxiety, self doubt, self lies, and a prison for my creativity... This mental state just doesn't come along with a warning... It hits you square in the mouth, when you aren't looking. It doesn't have trigger, it doesn't come with instructions on how to get through it, it just sucks. What usually makes you happy or laugh just doesn't work anymore... What makes you angry, makes you sad, and just the thought of trying to get out of your current state of mind, has no plan, or resolution. It's just a darkness that only you can manage...
Depression is so real, y'all... I am in a better place mentally, but I am not fully out of the storm. I haven't done anything that I usually do in a while. I have just been a robot. Wake up, work, home, repeat. While in that routine, its a lot of lies that play in my head, and a lot of "realism," and anger. Realism... A friend of mine, who happens to be a brain doctor, was talking to me, one day in 2009, about "depressional realism." Its when one sees the world for what it truly is, when you are depressed. Not really trying to be happy or live in world where happiness is a drug. It's a real thing. But, the anger... the anger is a mixture of whats inside, and what is on the outside that you cant change. For me, it has been such a sucky time of trying to figure all this shit out, but I have kept myself busy. Between work, and friends wanting to hang out, friends reaching out just to see if I am OK, and just there to give hugs, and love when you are at your mental worst.
For me, it's been a mixture of failure to be myself, a little of environmental, and a little of not finding the happy medium... Its like a loss of control of how you think the world views you... I have social anxiety as it is already... So, as it feels to me, when someone doesn't think something is funny, or doesn't get my humor, or says something in a correcting manner, I am a fuck up for the rest of my life. I do not feel good about myself, or the situation, and I feel like I have failed. I feel worthless, and disconnected from all the fun everyone else, appears to be having. The worse is when I can't get a word in... it really makes me feel unimportant. It sucks... and all those things, is just part of what drags me down and has me feeling low. I do all that I can to not compare myself to anyone and their success, or their motivations... It is very very difficult to actually to be happy of others success, when YOU, yourself, have nothing to show for it. I go to these meet ups, and people keep asking me "so, what do you do?" I tell them, "I'm still 'technically' in school, studying to be a writer and editor..." And I have NOTHING to show for it, except for 1 5 min student film, that I wrote... That, and the 3 scripts that I wish I could work on, but just mentally blocked to not do it... So, as happy as I am with my friend and their successes, its so damn hard for me to be happy or feel like I'm going anywhere, when I literally have nothing to show for it... NOTHING!!!
So, with those factors, its impossible to feel truly happy. I love helping friends. I love being an ear for people to vent in, and being there when I can... But I hate the fact that I feel limited. Its so hard to actually describe the feeling, but if I could, I would say that its like an invisible fence... Freedom is right there... but you know you can't go without getting shocked. So, instead of just going for it, you go in the house, find the furthest room from the front, and you hide in the darkest place and just focus on the fear... That's how it is for me...
No. It is not as simple as just getting out there and trying it, or doing it... It's an unexplained force that is inside of you, that will keep you down. No, your pep talk doesn't help. No. Your cheerfulness and pushing doesn't work either... The best thing to do for ANYONE suffering with depression is to simply give them space, and check on them periodically... DO NOT force them... DO NOT give up on them... DO NOT stay quiet... DO say your peace. DO something to just let them know that you are there for them... DO NOT try to motivate. DO NOT brag about your successes, or ethics... DO NOT talk bad about ones beliefs, thoughts, or whatever... DO be respectful of a persons struggle... You will never fully understand what goes on in someones head, unless you know the struggle...
Like I mentioned earlier, I am almost out of my struggle, but its not easy... I have my friends who are in the same boat as I, and are willing to listen and understand. Suggesting anything to help, won't help, usually... It's up to the individual to finally get over themselves. They will let you know. Just understand by being understanding. The YouTube star, known as Markiplier, just lost a friend to an attempted suicide... The damage was enough to where he passed away. And the friend suffered from depression, and he kept it silent... I can imagine that its the same struggle for a lot of us who do suffer from it... we feel that no one wants to listen to us, and hear our struggles, and we internalize it, and it does more damage than good. So, never assume that just because someone is laughing that they are not masking pain... Don't think that people who are helpful aren't in need themselves... You will never know what a simple call to say hello, what a facebook message, what a smile can do for someone. So, think about that next time you want to post a meme about how you are doing...
For those struggling, know its not over. Know that there is help, and places to go... but go at your time. Don't do it until you are ready. Your friends are great people. Confide in the ones that you know will understand... Find help groups, find something that will make you laugh. But, again... take your time... One thing that helps me out, is the song "Trouble" by TV On The Radio... Their latest album is their first album since Gerard Smith, who was the bassist of the band, passed away due to lung cancer. And I am pretty sure the 4 remaining members had some difficulty trying to cope with the lost, and Tunde written "Trouble" talking about what exactly it feels like to be down... but it helped me out when my dog died when I heard him sing the words "Everything's gonna be OK... I just keep telling myself, 'Don't worry, be happy...'" It helps, and once a month, I post the video, cause I know someone needs those words...
God bless you all, and if you need anything, I am here, and I understand.
No comments:
Post a Comment