Tuesday, October 13, 2015

I'm Over Here...

I was so moved to get out of the bed to tell you something... I can't remember the last wedding invitation I got... I have a lot of close friends who have gotten married, and the last invite came about 2 months ago... I love my friends, family, and everyone in between, but a lot of them, who I felt close to, who I felt that was special to me, made it clear that I wasn't that way to them... I'm just the nice guy... No one wanted me to really, truly be there (except for Jill and Laura, who I had to turn down, because of work)... Friends post pics of parties they were invited to, events they went to, hell... I didn't even know my sister was in town for business, until I opened up Snapchat... The last time I saw her was... 3 years ago? Yeah... That was when our grandfather passed away... I have cousins that I have yet to see here in Atlanta, although they have moved here... I have family CONSTANTLY coming to town for concerts, and I find out after the fact... Who am I to these people?

This all came up when I was telling a young lady that I like how I don't get my hopes up for anything anymore... I called her, and then she later called me back, and mentioned how she was a bad person (which isn't true, cause we all forget), and how she screwed up... I just brushed it off, you know why? I have been looked over and made an after-thought, for most of my life. From middle school, through all 4 high schools, at church, and so on, I have been placed on the back burners... I told her "I'm use to this. I get excited to make plans with friends, and hang out, and something always comes up... be it life, or forgetting... but its all the same damn thing... I am an after-thought." It's ok though... I would probably be left at the alter if I was to get married... I probably wouldn't have 10 people at my funeral... but, I do all I can to make it to everyone else's events. 

"You're coming to my party, right?," "It would mean a lot for you to show up to this event I got going on...," "If you come out, X,Y, and Z will happen..." All these things that I get invited to, I try to go to... Shit, I remember in 1 night I went to 2 different birthday party celebrations, on 2 different sides of town... But the moment I tried to make plans for MY birthday party weekend... no one is around... Thank GOD for the Atlanta Film Festival people... I actually did enjoy my birthday. I networked with a lot of great people, and even got to see a free movie! But, I didn't get to hang out with any friends that I would have loved to have seen. I will probably never try to make plans for a birthday party ever again, and I am totally ok with that! Cause maybe... just maybe... 1 of 2 friends would show up to my party, while everyone else is over at my buds celebrating HIS birthday... I update on the socials of my plans, and I get likes from far away places, and comments like: "If I was there..." Thanks... Means a lot...

But being a number 2 is something that I probably wont escape. So, with that in tow, I will probably, lovingly, make plans that centers around me... My wedding will be non-existent... My relationship status will not exist to the public's eye... I will probably not bombard you every second of the day with what I'm working on. Probably going to forget to be a motivator as well... In times like tonight, 4 months ago, 6 years ago, 8 hours ago, I would rather look like an asshole, than to be set up for, yet, another let down...

Don't go off and feel obligated to invite me to everything now. If you genuinely want me to celebrate YOU and/or YOUR DAY, or YOUR GOING AWAY party, invite me! I would love to come, or if I can't I will politely declined, but being forgotten... SUCKS. Do you know how many friends I keep in touch with back home? 1. You know how many people from my home town has come to visit me personally? 1. Do you know how many times family have come to town, and I had to see if they were in town? I only have 10 fingers... This shit sucks. 

Robin Williams summed it up best:
"I think the saddest people try their hardest to make people happy. Because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anyone else to feel like that." 

Wise words. True words... Real feelings... But I'm ok. 

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