Friday, March 26, 2010

The Mirror Is Unforgivingly Honest

Lately I have been coming to the grim reality that life never gives you anything you want... No matter how much you wanna deny yourself whatever it is, you will get stuck in the rut of life... It sucks that life gives you all these colors, but it never teaches you how to touch it. And lately, I have been trying to figure out how the fuck I am to make my color... I have, within a 48 hour spance, LITERALLY just went (for lack of a better term) dead. Seriously, its like I dont even have a reason to even dream anymore, for some reason. I never thought that I would be sitting here, still here.... This shit gets old very quick to be honest with you, this whole overthinking, this lack of some sort of self esteem, self love, self motivation, whatever you wanna call it... Its just feels like its the end... Now, before you start panicing and calling for an intervention, trust me, its not a suicide note. lol... So PLEASE, with all do respect, dont think that, just know that I am down. So dont worry. Back to the point, its just getting old that Im still here, and there is no way that I will move, and you know what? I dont want this anymore... But I dont know where to go first... I dont know what step one is... And being in the mood that im currently in, doesnt make it easier to say "fuck it" and jump to it. I knew, know, and understand that life is never easy... And right now its just another step to which, I have to battle through again. But, being in this right now, begs the question... if I was on the other side of the tracks, to where, I did have life the way I wanted it, would I be in the same boat? Would I sit here mopeing around about how I wish I didnt do whatever before the time came to where I am? Its definitely an open-ended question, but its still no escape... Its said in the bible, that God cursed the ground to where man has to work hard for everything... And, I'm just wondering how much harder do I have to work to get my peace of mind ya know? Would it be wrong to take a break, just to figure out some things about who I am or am not? Isnt the sleepless nights, the lonely tears, and walking the fine edge of sanity not enough? Is faith even enough? its definately not, cause we gotta work at trying to make things better. Im not sure if I asked for this burden to, not only wear my heart on my sleeve, but to be different... Not different in the since that I purposely stand out, but in the since, that I do stand out, not by choice, but by genetics and training... Its definitely a blessing, but a weight. Sometimes, it fuckin SUCKS to be me, but at other times, its the greatest thing in the world... But the constant thing that I cant ever do, and its not in a matter of disrepect or anything, I just dont know how to take a compliment... Maybe if I learn how to, life may be easier when times like this comes around again... But, as of now, Ill just deal. Its time for a nap now. Be blessed guys...

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