Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Getting it all out

Well, here I am again... up, awake, big day ahead tomorrow, and I am having, yet, another time in life, where I have to shut up the world around me, and figure up what the fuck do I want, and who the fuck am I... What I want is to be better than what I am not... I want to be bigger than what I am, but, I feel as if I am trapped, again... Im in my own prison, that I built for me... I dont think that I am made to be happy... I am to give happiness, but never to be happy... 27 years old, single, always putting dreams in the slow lane, abandoning promises, just nothing going the way I would have imagined it... All the hard work feels as if its all for nothing, but somehow super satisfying, cause, I worked HARD for it... But all in all, all the work I do, and all the happiness I give, leaves me here blogging about how unhappy I am... The title of this blogsite, that I created is "EVERY THOUGHT MUST GO!!!" I named it that, because, I wanted to get my thoughts out, without consiquence from anyone... I can say whatever the fuck I want, and I dont have to conform to anyones ideas, but mines... Anyways, What am I doing to make my world better? What am I doing to try to make myself happy? Not a lot unfortunately... Im just going through the motions, and living up to the expectations that people have given me, without my notice, all the while, trying to hold that position on top of the pedistal that Ive been placed... its weird... but it is what it is... Even in faith, Im not happy... I have abandoned the basics... I rarely pray, I dont read the bible, not only because I hate reading, but because, I just dont want to read it... I hate ANYTHING that contains the word "church," and Im content in my relationship with Jesus Christ, My Savior. But, this weight that has been given to me, is becoming a bit too much, and Im not sure, how much more of this shit, I can take... Is it worth abandoning, everything that everyone hopes of me? Is it worth scratching away the memories of the places, people, and times, that drew smiles across my face, just to start from right now, and make sure that shit is great for me, and my sanity, and myself? It may be... But unfortunately, yet fortunately, I will never be able to find that delete button in this life time, to start over... cause, although, Im in a bad spot now, tomorrow is a gift, that I HAVE to charish... regardless of how I may feel... cause, who knows if the next tomorrow is mines or not... So, although I bitch, I am happy to hvae the ability to feel... I am able to feel rejection, hesitation, disappointment, unhappiness, abandonment, lonliness, and to pass on the same... Things will change... even if I have to change it myself, so be it... until then, congratulations to you, and your persuits... May the nice guy never find joy...

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