In a couple of hours from now, I will turn 33 years old. This journey in life will see another year that has come and gone and me become older, wiser, and prayerfully, more mature as an individual walking on this planet... As mentioned yesterday, I am looking for a job. I've had the run around about it, with one hire where I was going to make NOTHING... I went through an entire overhaul of my resume, and NUMEROUS applications, to where I have to do the one thing that I was punished, whipped for, and embraced EVERY consequence known to man for lying, now, I have to do the one thing that I was told not to do, to get a fuckin job.
According to this life, "You gotta fake it, til you make it." You have to "make yourself look presentable," You have to be everything in the world, except yourself, to get a damn job... on paper, and how you "look" to the rest of the world... Me, I can definitely keep up, and look nice for when it calls for it, but, I have to make myself out to be this "bigger-than-god" persona, when all I want is to be hired to work a job I KNOW that I am qualified for...
So, what I am now learning as an adult is that the truth is bullshit. We all want the truth, but we don't want to handle said truth. Me, right now, I am a 32 year old black male, with an extensive vocabulary, a great work ethic, and passion out the ass... But they don't want to know that... They want me to sell them a lie to WHY I would be perfect for their company... I gotta go and lie to my potential employer to just get a chance to prove that I am great. No one wants to know that I have a potential eating disorder, or mental health issues that keeps me from being bold and comfortable in my own skin. I have more self doubt than I do self-esteem. I want to be an editor, and that is what I am studying for. They don't want to hear how I don't like politics, and I don't view sports as the common man. They don't want to know what I do for fun, they just want to know if I look good on paper.
Going back to the main point of this blog, and how lying is wrong... I still know, and believe that it is wrong, and it should not be used, but here I am having no other choice but to lie about myself to merely make a buck. I have never been so afraid to just simply ask for money from my mom. God bless her. She is a hard working woman, who has done so much for me, and I am very appreciative of, but in this time of need, she definitely has stepped in and up for me, in this, another moment of need. So, I understand her being protective of the money, but I am so afraid to ask, cause of all the looks, and the under the breath comments she makes... Its almost as if I have to put my social life on hold, and the worst time for me to have to do that is in February, for obvious reasons. but, I just cant do it...
I want to work on movies, but behind the scenes... I know right now, I would have to work on set somewhere just to get going in the career I want, but, its so damn hard to get started, especially living where I do. I need to be where my life has been... Truthfully, I need to be back in Atlanta. I need to be around people in the field. I need to be near people who will cheer me on, instead of needing me to get a job to simply help out with bills. I need people to push me to be better than the best individual I can be. I just want to be happy... That's the honest to goodness truth, and right now, I am very close to just be honest with the family, and pursue my happiness. I need to put me on top, and take care of that... This is not a cry to say that I do not nor will I never appreciate my family for all they have done, but the people that has been holding me back, are the ones who say they love me the most...
I don't want to fight and lie for a job anymore... I just want to be able to finish school, and get to work being the creative person that I know I am. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be around people who knows that I am creative, and not so smart to where I could be a philosopher (words from my aunt yesterday). I don't want to professionally think deep. I don't want to get a masters in English. I just want my bachelors in media production, and go as far as I can in that. Call me selfish, or short sighted, or whatever... I know what I want, and I know what God had put on my heart... I guess I have to be more self sufficient, and quit relying for some sort of miracle to happen, in the since of me just having all that I need fall into my lap... I know I can do it, but I wish that I knew what was the first step to take... Oh well... I'm sick of the lies... But I have to. I need money. I need to survive, and figure out a way to move back to the city... Also, we have to lie, cause that's what this country, and most of this world is made up on... Lies. The government, parents, friends, everyone has lied to us...
Anyways... I chose me. I will figure out a way to better myself, with or without blood. I got to... I'm FUCKIN 33 YEARS OLD!!!
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