Being in a weird head space is probably the most vivid and wide open you will ever be. In this mode, you can be willing to say yes, or no to just about anything. For the last 3 weeks or so, I have been sitting here trying to figure out what has been swimming through my head. To be honest with you, I do not know what is going on up there. Between music, movies, and the constant convincing that I don't matter, but I do matter, its been tough trying to settle my mind. Do I need emotional closure? Do I need a physical conversation followed by a hug? Fuck if I know!
I think that the addition of school has opened me up creatively, which opened me up to this weird feeling that I can't shake right now. It's not the worst thing going, but, its not the most comfortable thing either... Perfect example... Just last night, I had heart palpitations that went on all night... For some reason, when I drink something very cold, it feels like it gets stuck in my chest, and it basically freezes the capillaries... Usually, when I feel a brain freeze coming on, this is when it happens... So I'm almost finished, and I feel the freeze coming on... and then it triggers my heart doing an 8 hour drum solo. I was fine, but it's so uncomfortable. The only thing you can do is just keep breathing. That episode was an eye opener that I need to chill it out on the cold and the sweets... Anyways, that feeling is what it feels like in my head... WAY too much going on. Not sure what it is... It doesn't hurt, but its not comfortable... Could it also be some of the things I have seen in the last 3 months? Could it be an appreciation for myself, and also the artists that has entertained me live over the same time span? Not really sure... I just hope that it all settles down... Could it be my body trying to be happier than its limits? Is it yearning for something more from me? The things I need to find.
There is something I gotta learn. Something I gotta strive for... Not sure exactly what it is, but I can't wait. Goodnight.