A Letter To Myself, From Myself.

Dear Jarrett,

By the time you read this, you will be a man. You will be someone who had to learn about life the hard way, and someone who will appreciate why, after 31 years, you have become the man you were meant to be. I can tell you that there will be more times than not, that you will allow "self-doubt" to win over your heart. You will constantly second guess yourself, you will take the lazy approach, and you will, for some odd reason, think that the world will owe you. But trust me, all of the pangs, and shit that comes with your life, you will be amazed at the people you will meet.

Your family will love you, and you will love them... but you will love them more, from a distance. You will rarely call them, you will rarely connect with them, but when you do, they will know, and you will know, that they love you for you. There will be amazing people that will come in, and leave your life, just as fast as they came in, There will be heart break, heart ache, and dealing with assholes of all shades of shit... But we will get to that later.

Your first memory will be of your dad smoking in the car with you... By this time, you will never want to try marijuana, ever... and trust me. It will be a hot subject when you grow up. You will not advocate it, you will not abide by it, but you will be near it, more than not. The first major thing that happens to you, according to mom, is that you had a seizure when you were even younger. She wont tell you that, until you are 19. Then, there's Rebecca... When you meet her, she will take your innocence. You will do your best not to allow that to make you, but trust me... you will need to get some help... That is on the to-do list for me... You will be bullied a lot as well. When you are about 6 or 7 or so, you will have neighbors that are just complete fuck tards. Not nice people. Fuck them. Also, your first Hurricane happens September 19, 1989.  But I am rambling... Let me give you some advice...

When you get older, you will finally feel yourself out. You will accept that you like what you like, hate what you hate, and try your best to do something about it. But remember this, if anything at all... LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. There will be times, when you see yourself in a picture, and you call yourself  a "moo cow." There will be times, where your family will honestly look at you, and compare yourself to everyone else that is doing better than you... Fuck that noise. MAKE YOUR PATH. Be you. Be happy with yourself. Love EVERYTHING about you. Love your flaws, love your man titties. EVERYTHING about you. Just love it. If you feel its time to change it... do it. Do it because YOU want to. Don't do it because the health nuts, and the texts always says that you should... do you, for you, when YOU are ready. I give this to you now, wishing that I could have heard this when you become 12... But you don't... The only advice that someone will give you is probably the greatest words you will ever here... Mrs. Fetner, LOVELY woman, will look you dead in the eyes, and tell you "Don't grow up." Seriously... don't... it is a trap. Being an adult is the worse decision of you life.

One thing your mother will do, is instill manners. These will be your saving grace as you grow older. Respect is something that you will give, no matter who it is. Boy, girl, man, woman, whoever. Your manners, will win over a lot of people. Speeking of people, there is a whole heap of them to avoid. Sucky thing about being you, is when you are like you are, you will attract a lot of people. Here are some people to avoid. Mary, Whitney, Dane, Chris, Angela, Benjamin, Laura, just to name a few... But you will fall in love with Amy, Jimmi, Cliff, Lindsay, Lindsey, Linsey, Emily, Charles, Andrew, Joseph, Leslie, Adam, Melissa, to name a few. Just be yourself, and when you encounter these people, you will know how to deal with them. Keep them at a distance, or love them at a distance, or hold them close. You will figure this out.

One other thing I can tell you to do is this. You have GOT to find a way to take a compliment... Compliments are a good thing for you. They don't mean any harm. But when growing up, you don't like them... its as if you did something wrong. You didn't just the way you were brought up, conditioned you to feel that if you didn't do anything wrong, you just don't know how to take it... Every teacher you encounter, every "friend" that you make will ridicule you for something... Not your fault... Just be grateful that someone notices you. They know you, your potential, and see where you are short changing yourself.

But trust me... so far in your 31 years, life has been pretty good. 18 years ago, you moved to Atlanta. You hated that decision, but its the best damn thing to happen to you. The people, the times, the experiences, all of which will make you a more appreciative, and appreciated individual... Just promise me this... When you get to this point, just appreciate life. Be proud of your compliments. Be blessed and humbled by the people you know. Celebrate the successes of your friends, enjoy every experience that comes your way. Say no less, say yes more, and for the love of God... learn how to manage money, and quit lying. Trust me. Your soul will appreciate it.

Young man, may God hold and bless you in this journey. I think you will enjoy it. Love ya, kid.

Cheering you on,

Jarrett Hayes, A.K.A Jolly Green

That's Not My FUCKIN NAME!!!

My mother named me Jarrett... Not "Nigga." My family don't even call me that. My closest black friends don't call me that... I don't hear you calling any other co-workers that... But why did I get so lucky? Why am I "Nigga?" Is it because I don't listen to enough hip-hop? Is it because I don't smoke weed? Is it because,  I don't have bitches on my dick all the time? So, because I do not live up to a standard that I have surpassed, that puts me in this nominal level to make yourself feel cool? No.

I know we all have that one "friend" that really needs to slapped... We all have that 1 co-worker that we wish could fuck up just one more time... We all have that one person that we wish would get slapped in the mouth for their words... Well, I have that person. In the days where anything and everything that would be considered racist, should not come out of anyone's mouth, EVER. Ignorance, stupidity, being cool, being yourself, or whatever you would like to call it, does not give you cause, or pass to use terms that is ok to YOU.

As you all should know, I do not, abide by the word "nigger" and all of its many shapes and forms. I do have someone who like to use that term with me, that I do not hear it directed to anyone else of the same chemical make up, that makes my skin darker than this persons... I absolutely hate when someone thinks that they are untouchable. Just because you grew up one way or the other, got all this cred for this or that, don't mean shit to me... You are made the same way like we all are... one lucky night.  And you aint shit if you think you can get away with saying things because we are "cool."

There is no reason why anyone should think that being this way, is the way it should be. its not... It makes you look foolish, ignorant, dumb, insensitive, and common. There is something that people think of me, and this is a lot of people... When most people see me, they see this big, black, guy who looks like he could kill you by breathing on you the wrong way... But when people get to know me, they know that all I do is take it as easy as possible. I can take a joke easier than I can take a compliment. I can take a beer with my pasta, but not my ice cream... but the one thing that I have a hard time doing, is vocalizing when something does not sit well with me... I am easy to forgive and easy to laugh things off... but when this happens, and I allow it to happen, it shows how weak I really am... It would be amazing to just go up to that individual and let him know that I will not take that shit from him ever again... But, this person wont listen...

With everything that has been happening over the last month, with Michael Brown, and Eric Garner having their killers walk free, things like this gets under my skin, when people of privilege thinks that their words are innocent and in good fun... Stop it. Stop and think about your words. Just because it may be cool in your circle, doesn't make it cool in all circles. All of my friends know, that certain words I don't allow in my world... "Nigger" is one of them... I do not use terms that many a person of color has died and fought, and have been wrongly accused, and jailed to not be called or lowered to. It may be something you allow in your world (blacks, whites, whatever), but in mines, no...

But how can I say that I don't allow it, but I listen to it, on my iPod? I know what I listen to... I know what I allow to affect me lyrically... I don't let the opinions, feelings, or whatever of the artist affect what I allow to pass my lips... How can I be a movie fan, when any and all period pieces, have that word? Well, guess what I chose to do... not allow those words to get under my skin... If it's not mines, it doesn't matter what they do... I can't control them... However, I can control MY world... and in MY world, that is not allowed. It's time to get control of my name, my manhood, and let those who offends that it has to stop today.

Well, Since Grandma's Dishes Are Broken, Might As Well Talk About The Elephant In The Room

Amazing how, all of a sudden, the law doesn't apply for ALL Americans... When the dead can't testify, and the guilty gets away free, KNOWING that what they did was wrong... This whole situation in Ferguson, Missouri is the tipping point of the elephant that has been shitting in the corner of the room, in this nation. Racism is alive and well. RACISM is alive and well. RACISM is ALIVE and well... RACISM IS ALIVE AND WELL!!!

For any and everyone who still think that its SOOOO cool to add the word "Nigga" to your everyday speech, shows that there is no real cause for a cure to what this nation has been brought up on... FEAR. This is the most alive I have seen this country since the Olympics and World Cup. Now that this has happened for the second time this year, that a black kid has been killed by a white man who is to "protect and serve," and got away with murder, It finally became time to bring it up... The fear has to be subsided in this nation...

There is no reason why people have to feel as if they have to PROVE themselves to one race or the other, by listening to the music, trying to talk the jive, or being SO FUCKIN OFFENDED by anything that happens to your black friends, is not enough to make any relations in race better. Instead of seeing color, or circumstance, or dress, or what they listen to, see the person. Get to know, the human. Get to fall in love with the soul that is the person. Not the color, not the culture, not the lifestyle... PEOPLE! FALL IN LOVE WITH THE PEOPLE!

There is no reason why people who protects and serve take up extreme violence among people... There is no reason why these cops are getting away with assault and battery. Instead of protecting and serving, they are getting angry and using extreme force and violence against people who are being general assholes... People are being abused and their rights are being violated because they cant "maintain their right to remain silent." And no one is trying to keep them accountable for their actions. So here is what needs to be done...

I know that the election is rigged to where the predetermined winner will win, regardless of the voice of the masses... What needs to happen is that the masses needs to show up at every town hall meeting, every governors address, every appearance by any and all politicians and ask the questions, and FORCE THEM TO ANSWER THE QUESTION HONESTLY. Educate yourself on those running, and find a way to make sure that they stay accountable with their word... WE THE PEOPLE, CONTROL THE GOVERNMENT. That is why dirty cops are walking around free. That's why things aren't being changed in the community. That is why fear is the leader of this nations media. That is why no one wants to close the gap the proper way...

If we educate ourselves on who is going into office, we will have the upper hand, and we will not have anymore unrest like we do today... but what do I know... I havent touched this fuckin blog in over 5 months... But, I had to say something. Goodnight.

YOU ARE ON MY LIST!

Here's a list for ya!

THINGS THAT ARE OK TO TELL PEOPLE IS REAL AND COOL

Sex
Good Times
Food
Music
Alcohol
Movies
College
Sports
Beer
Stories
Babies
Family
Technology
Theory
Ideas
Science
Progress
Friends
Drugs
Rainbows
Unicorns
Star Trek
Star Wars
Mythbusters
Dogs
Cats
Rats
Hamsters
Spiders
Feelings
Motivation
Instagram
Facebook
YouTube
666
Satan
Porn
Anger
Happiness
Sadness
Homosexuality
Heterosexuality
Left
Right
Up
Down
Tears
Light
Love
Hate
Universe
Health
Exercise
Bars
TV
Medicine
Sharpies
Mathematics
Film
Movie Making
Directors
Editors
Actors
Characters
Comic Books
Cosplay
Appliances
Records
Sickness
Excuses
Bad Days
Good Days
Death
Life
Smiles
Frowns
Independence
Patriotism
Furniture
Babies

THINGS THAT ARE NOT REAL OR COOL TO TALK ABOUT

God
Politics

We have such a love for the things that are tangible, and ready to curse the things that didn't work when we needed it to. Many times, I may mention my faith, and I get a cold shoulder, and an explanation on how I am wrong for believing whatever I wanna believe. Lately, on the Socials, there have been a lot of anti-God rants in peoples pursuit of freedom, and you know what? Cool! Whatever works for you! But here is the question that bugs me every day... Do people who don't believe in something bigger, realize that they are preaching just as bad as those who do believe in something bigger? THERE IS NO GOD!! THERE IS A GOD!! I AM MY OWN GOD!! THERE IS ONLY ONE TRUE GOD!!

Shut the fuck up! You don't like it when people force their faith down your throat, why the hell do you think people want to hear your bullshit as well!? Ever think about that? No. Cause you are too goddamn busy trying to put down the faith of those who have it to realize that you are no different than those who are trying to beat you over the head with it. What if God was a superhero, or a Sci-fi character, you'd be all over Him, wouldn't you?

Those who have faith in God... WE GET IT!!! YOU BELIEVE! YOU ARE A BELIEVER! THANK CHRIST ALMIGHTY!!! But PLEASE!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! The reason why we NEVER have a common ground with ANYONE, is because, we are so ready to beat the shit out of people with the Holy Word, that we don't even get to know the person and to shower them with love! Instead of telling people that they are going to hell, why don't you get together with them, have a beer and a conversation and see where it goes? OH! I forgot... Christians ain't allowed to drink, because the bible said so... BULLSHIT! It says not to get drunk! But, of course, we have to stay away from the things that temps us, right? Well, guess what, I like beer! I like alcohol! I am still a functioning individual who gets his shit done... And I am blessed to know that Jesus wants me to have a good time in life.

If everyone, believer and none alike, quit putting themselves in a box of their own systems, and actually just got to know each other better, and accept the person for their choices, and not try to belittle someone's faith because of what you may or may not have seen, felt, heard, watched, read, or whatever, the world would be a better place... Not all Christians, Jews, and Muslims are against gay marriage... Not all who believe in God, actually go to church every Sunday... Some of us do find comfort in being around friends, and strangers in a bar, restaurant, park, alley, or where ever! Not all of us read the bible daily. Not all of us see God as a heartless ruler...

So, let's just live out the rest of our days as people who are PROUD about their beliefs, and lets just say that politics are stupid.

My Thoughts Of This Whole Thing...

The people who don't want to make history, but changes it, are remembered... The one's who make history for bravery, notoriety, or to make news, you are an asshole. I said it. We ALL want to be a part of history in one way or the other. We all want to be the first to do or be or witness; or the last to do or be or witness. But in cases as what is the hot topic of the day... sometimes, you look like a straight up asshole trying to puppeteer yourself into being something that should not matter. Before I continue, I just have something to say. I know that this will sound wrong, and hateful, but I promise you, it is not... On this blog, I have never shied away from my feelings, and I will not start doing that today. I am very supportive to all of my friends no matter their gender, creed, color, or sexual preference. They ALL know that I have their back when they are right, and when they are wrong. When they are wrong, I will check them on it... They are my friends, and my family, and I love them unconditionally... Now with that said, I am about to check some people for showing their ass...

A friend of mines on Facebook, went on a rant about how Tim Tebow can't get another shot in the NFL, because he is outspoken about his beliefs, and how Michael Sam is being celebrated for being the first "out" gay man in the league... Fine. Everyone has their own agendas. Me, I thought it was a great show of bravery, and happiness of one's self for him to come out... I saw the young man play football. He is an amazing athlete! Gay or straight or in between, that should never matters about his sexual preference. Someone's talent should always outweigh their lifestyle and life choices. But, as expected, the media is over hyping the situation and making it something bigger than what it should be.

You look around the media, from ESPN, to your favorite gossip blog spot, everyone has poured their heart and soul into something that shouldn't really matter... What Michael Sam did was create all this buzz about him by becoming the first gay man in a major collegiate sports program, is made the world about him, and not about the LBGT community. He decided to become an ambassador for himself! Yes, there are a million boys and girls who will look up to him and cast him as the godfather of the first to be, but he has done this for himself. The media is no better... A lot of people could not tell me his jersey number when he was as Missouri... A lot of people can't tell me what award he got last year because of his talents, without looking it up... But EVERYBODY can tell me and want to share the oh so beautiful and emotional reaction when he was selected to the Rams, sealed with a kiss with his partner. Truly a beautiful moment... But really? Why is this one celebrated more than the others? You all realize that Michael Sam isn't the only one who had a dream of playing in the NFL, right? You do realize that he isn't the only one to breakdown in happy tears, embracing his significant other, right? You also realize that he is not the only gay person to play in a league or association right? But the reason he is so special, is because he's the first to come out and say it proudly...

There is no difference in Michael Sam from JD Clowney (I would have typed "Jadeveon," but he wants to be known as JD from now on, so yeah.). Both of them are phenomenal athletes. Both of them have had success on the football field. Both are approachable and, from what I hear, fun to be around and very nice. But how will we ever know why Michael Sam was drafted? I know he was drafted for his talents... But for those of us who aren't football fans, see him drafted because hes gay. That saddens me like you wouldn't believe.

Who you love should never matter when it comes to your talents. But it matters because we are fed to believe that it matters. I don't give a shit if you are gay, straight or whatever. What SHOULD matter, and what should have mattered this entire time, is his talents. But because he wanted to bear this cross, It makes him out to be an asshole, and now, I gotta watch and hear each and every sports media make their claims and thoughts from the religious, to the liberal, and all claims in between... All of which could have been avoided, if only he didn't bring it upon himself to be outspoken... Now a days, if you are outspoken, you are doing it for attention... Rosa Parks just said "No.  Crispus Attucks was in the wrong place at the wrong time. " MLK Jr. said he had a dream. Gandhi went on a hunger strike. What did Michael Sam do? Come out... Seems legit. 

I do hope and pray that Michael Sam's career is long, prosperous and amazing. I do hope and pray that the fans of the sport will watch him for his talent, and not judge him for who he loves. I hope and pray that there will be maturity in the crowd as we send taunts his way for who he plays for and how he plays and not because he is gay. I hope and pray that he will remain mature and handle everything graciously and amazingly. And I also hope and pray that the new Rams fans, and the new fans from the LBGT community will be treated the same way as any other fan... just a fan! This is a new era of sports... Get use to it, but again, what could have just been a great day for one young man, his family and his significant other, goes to make him look like an asshole, and also makes the media go back to high school with the whole "look at what I support" mentality... I also hate the fact that we cant allow humans to be themselves. We have to support or acknowledge their lives as something "different" and not just love them for them. But ultimately... I get it. I love you no matter who you are, who you love, or whatever... don't make it about you! You have enough support to where you do not need to have to tell the world what you are. But hey! I am proud of you. Now lets see you make plays and not allow your lifestyle not be the center of it all. 

An 8 Hour Heart Drum Solo

Being in a weird head space is probably the most vivid and wide open you will ever be. In this mode, you can be willing to say yes, or no to just about anything. For the last 3 weeks or so, I have been sitting here trying to figure out what has been swimming through my head. To be honest with you, I do not know what is going on up there. Between music, movies, and the constant convincing that I don't matter, but I do matter, its been tough trying to settle my mind. Do I need emotional closure? Do I need a physical conversation followed by a hug? Fuck if I know!

I think that the addition of school has opened me up creatively, which opened me up to this weird feeling that I can't shake right now. It's not the worst thing going, but, its not the most comfortable thing either... Perfect example... Just last night, I had heart palpitations that went on all night... For some reason, when I drink something very cold, it feels like it gets stuck in my chest, and it basically freezes the capillaries... Usually, when I feel a brain freeze coming on, this is when it happens... So I'm almost finished, and I feel the freeze coming on... and then it triggers my heart doing an 8 hour drum solo. I was fine, but it's so uncomfortable. The only thing you can do is just keep breathing. That episode was an eye opener that I need to chill it out on the cold and the sweets... Anyways, that feeling is what it feels like in my head... WAY too much going on. Not sure what it is... It doesn't hurt, but its not comfortable... Could it also be some of the things I have seen in the last 3 months? Could it be an appreciation for myself, and also the artists that has entertained me live over the same time span? Not really sure... I just hope that it all settles down... Could it be my body trying to be happier than its limits? Is it yearning for something more from me? The things I need to find.

There is something I gotta learn. Something I gotta strive for... Not sure exactly what it is, but I can't wait. Goodnight.

And......... I'm Back! ::cricket, cricket::

So, a year came and went, and I am now back on the social medias... I don't feel any different. Just thought I share. Goodnight.