Negative Minus Subtraction

Being positive is a burden, it seems. But, this is all a part of the test, that is... This sucks so much. Being in this position, that, I wasn't expecting to be thrown in, and it seems that the best medicine is to be negative. It seems as if everyone is suppose to be on this all-happy, the world is great type of mentality. But what does this over-exposure to happiness teaches us? Teaches us the delusion of positivity... Not to be a debbie downer (pun SO intended), but life isn't real, unless you go through some shit, and lucky me, Ive gone through a TON of it, and still am. And, I find it easier to just be depressed, than to "go out and make something of yourself!" Sometimes, its just easier to just allow life to go full circle, before trying to make it all better... as much as I would like to have a new career/job, its probably easier for me to just stay where I am and just wait all of this out... searching, has become fruitless, and full of nothing at the end, so, I will just count my small blessings in misery, and just continue to live life, as if it will, eventually, get better. Its easier, than straining myself to get to the top... Ill just stay here. I'm content. for now... things may change in a week, or a month, or even later in the year... but, right now, all I want is to just get through this. So, if I don't smile, or laugh, or seem or appear happy, I'm not. How long will this last? Not sure... Would I like for this to end soon? YES! But, I'm willing to just try to make it through. So, here we go, through tunnels, and rain.

Next Step... GO!!!

Life has decided to throw, yet, another curveball, and again, I walk to the dugout that is, this LONG UNFORGIVING GAME, that we all know, love and hate equally... This week, I haven't made $30 bucks yet, and I'm slowly going into debt, and I feel that I'm backed in a corner... Life, this year, just sucks assholes and balls... the year isn't even half over, and I'm so ready for the next year... I know things will be a lot better by then. hopefully... So, what am I going to do with myself? I'm going to school... if I'm not going to make money, I need to do something with my time, that doesn't require me sitting on a computer all day, waiting for the work day to begin, and go through the motions, to where I wait around for 3 hours before the first table comes in. I need to do something that requires for me to do something all day, to expand, not only my mind, but my social life, and maybe drop a pound or 100... I have learned that God helps those who help themselves, and I'm going to help myself, with something other than dreams... Action! Gotta do something. I have been sitting around just getting fat, and even more unhappy the more I think about it... I have to break through this invisible wall of fear that I somehow built with laziness... and now, it's time to quit being me, and start becoming me. I guess this is what Ethan was talking about when he claimed that I have "too much potential for this place." Well, unfortunately for a lot of us... our potential comes later in life, and never within the crunch of the 18 years where we want to be what we dream, and never what we have to accept as reality... I think I know what I finally want to do with myself... took me 10 years, and wasting money to go to a small automotive school, but I think I got it... so, fuck the world, fuck my world, and Imma step out for a breath of fresh air... excuse me.

Smiles Shouldn't Be Heavy.

In a year full of death, confusion, hurt, and devastation, Ive met my fair share of nice people, assholes, and seen people turn from and to. With all that has happened in the past 4 months, I can say, that it has not been a great year... But, of all the days that I could have put an honest smile on my face, today was it. Tables all day, and, running into old friends, it was as if things were trying to turn itself around... Before I get into the meat of this blog, I have to tell you this... I don't care if you believe, or if you don't, or you're confused, got questions or anything... I KNOW the power of God and the blessings that happened today ALONE, made it all worth while at the end. In the book of Job, Satan went to God, and made a bet (for lack of a better term) with God, that His most faithful servant would fall, and curse His name... So, with permission, God allowed Satan to fuck Jobs' world UP!!! His house, his kids, and his crop and livestock, all destroyed, and his wife left him... And he got sick. So, when God Gave permission, Satan took FULL advantage... And all the while, Job remained faithful. And just like the bible is, its a book of examples of how life is shitty, but God stays faithful to whats His... So, with that said, I have been in the same boat. I lost a good friend. I lost another good friend to Cancer. I lost an Uncle to a heart attack. I lost my job, I almost got kicked out, I am broker than our economy, And my Grandfather is dying of Cancer... This year has NOT been the greatest, as we all know from the last few blogs... But, tonight, was just the crack in the wall. A table that I was serving, was a couple, in there mid to late 40's and, they came in for a burger and beer. Super nice, real simple, and before they ate there food, the Gentleman, who's name I never got, asked "Whats your name?" I told him, and he said: "Well, Jarrett, is there anything that we could pray for you about?" And it took me a second, and I told him, " Just for a better year." And instantly, I just felt better... I know that life is to do what life does, and that's to be full of ups and downs, and happy times, and sad times... But you have got to keep living, and keep moving. Cause, if you have it bad, someone has it better, and someone else has it a hell of a lot worse... So, I don't know where I stood, but I know, that I was sent 2 souls who cares about me, and don't know who the hell I am. That made me feel so much better... It makes you realize that life is just a feather... you just have to let it float on. So, just that small act of kindness, really didn't make me look at them as if its any other table... they could have tipped me 2 cents, I wouldn't have cared, cause, there hearts were big enough to make me smile, a real smile for the first time in a while. And seeing several familiar faces was amazing as well. Tonight was a good night. And things, seem to start turning around for the better... Thank God. So, to those who pray for those, keep praying... you don't know who's day you will make. You don't know who's life you will touch. A smile, a hug, all works too, but, something about prayer... wow. It just feels good. :) Genuinely happy over here. Good night y'all.

its been too long

Hey guys. I'm sorry again about the delays. life, just generally sucks now a days... I'm working a shitty job, I'm not even making enough money to really survive... And, today alone, I have been job searching... Everything is automated now a days, and when they tell you to go on the websites, they lead you to some bullshit, to where, they don't need your ass... its fucked up... but, this is my goal... I DO NOT EVER want to work in the food industry again. I'm honestly done with it. I lost my love for it... I have got to do something else with myself other than that. So, I'm looking for something else... Its not going to be easy, but, I'm doing the best I can... when times are tough, you have to do things you hate doing like, what I'm doing right now... And that's sitting in a library, trying to find something that's available job wise... even, get up and get out, and try to find a job... But, it has to be done, and that's what I'm doing. If you haven't read any of the last few blogs, you know that life has just generally sucked Satan's asshole for me. And this year, isn't even half done... I know that something bigger than me is about to happen, but, the one thing, that I'm known for, is being pushed to the limit, and that is my patience. I am now learning that patience isn't just waiting around. Its more getting up and doing something with yourself... Cause, blessings will come for sure... but sometimes you just have to put forth an effort to find what it is, you're looking for, or even want. so, that's how life works. You have to put forth an effort, even a small one, to get whats coming to you. I guess, more or less, I'm still not over all of it, but, I'm trying. But, I just wanted to send you an update on my life, and let you know whats going on, and I hope to have a computer up and running very soon. And, hopefully by July, Ill be able to do this again, and get all of you readers back on my blog. Thanks a lot guys for your prayers, thoughts, and good luck, you've sent me over the past few months. It hasn't gone unnoticed.

"And When Adversity Come Again, I'll Deal With It Then."

So, Im back, for a little update on life... As far as Im concerned, March, can lick my ass... I am so done with it, and Im glad that its April finally, so, I wont have to go through the shit, that I went though ever again... Loosing my Uncle Billy, my friend John Strickland, and my job, I've finally found a small way to make myself feel better. At least, a little better... I found a job, and... its ok... its not in Decatur, and its corperate, but, its something... Im just holding out hope for another job, but, you know, if anything, I got something that makes me feel a little better... Something to kinda take my mind off of the bullshit that happened, earlier this month... as I have mentioned in my last blog... The only thing that I wish I did, was take a little bit more of a break, but, bills, wouldnt allow me to break... I needed a job... :shrugs: what can you do right? So, after finally getting the job, I now realize that, Imma have to get more money somehow... And what sucks is the fact, that getting over the loss of such a great job, is going to take a lot longer than one would expect... Its ok though... The Good Lord provided me with this one, and He will provide me with something else... But at the same time, God may be preparing me for something bigger than what I think is the biggest thing out there... Who knows right? Anyways, this blog stemmed from a song, that, I really love from Gnarles Barkley, called "A Little Better." It talks about, just making it, and fighting to keep what you have thats dear to you--sanity. It's what makes the ones who are not famous, out to be... the ones who seen shit, felt shit, and knows how to, not only deal with shit, but to get through shit... And to actually be thankful of the things that ones would usually be ashamed of, but, not, because, they did it for show, but, lived through it... And, right now, that song, is who I am right now... Im just making it... and I am feeling "a little better." Thank God. Good night.

Lets Talk About Emotions... Shall We?

Hey guys!!! Ive missed ya! :) I honestly have... I do apologize for the delays of blogs, but, my computer (which, I am not on now), decided to say "Im not going to work for you anymore, you fat fuck!" and, I literally lost everything on the my computer, as it decided to reset itself... yay me! But, my last blog, was dedicated to my friend who committed suicide... And then, it just feels as if, life, has been just one big bomb after another... So, I will tell you this. This blog will be long. I will be updating life, since February 1, 2011, and just keeping you infromed from then, to now, and what I hope to have accomplished in the near future... so, bear with me, sit back, get a bag of doritos, and enjoy. HERE. WE. GO!

Well, I am now 1 year older. I turned 28, back on on the 19th of February, and that night, turned out to be one that ended in regret, but, Thats what I was hoping for... You always gotta set a goal. Mines, happen to er to get the one regret out of the way. One a year... something to focus, and keep yourself from being too big for your own damn self. So, after that, Iwent through the rest of the month, trying... TRYING to save money for Canada... But, with work, and bills, its hard to hold on to a little bit of money. With that said, I am very happy to have been better at saving money. Im doing pretty good I think... Well, that was The rest of that month, NOW let me tell you all about March...

This has, by far, been the toughest time Ive ever experienced in my life. With Emily, loosing her father on the morning of March the 5th, that was a tough blow. Why? Because on February 28th, that monday, There was a huge benefit helf to help with her fathers mounting hospital bills... Friends and family of John Strickland were all there, to just be able to love on him... unfortunately, yet fortunately, we all got to say and have out peace with him, before, he died... Its amazing how God works, cause, his son, came into town to suprise him the The day before he died... So, it has definiately been a stretch of time, that was purely emotional, and awe inspiring... The Memorial service was held for John, at Twain's It was full to the brim, of people who knew, and loved John. I was just blessed to work that night, to share, and feel the love of the Strickland Clan... That was on held on the 9th of this month... On March the 7th, I recieved some bad new, about a loss in my family. The family, that shares the same genetic line as I, family... I woke up to a text from my cousin, saying, that our Uncle Billy died of a massive heart attack. He leaves behind my Aunt Rabbit, and there 2 boys, Simon and Solomon. It has definitely been a very emotional 2 weeks, for me... That stretch of time, was never something I would ever wish for anyone to go through... But wait! This story gets better, and leads me into the title...

So, on Monday March 14th, 2011, I recieve a text from Emily, mentioning that all meetings are still on as scheduled... So, at 4pm, March 15th, I went in, and with a new facial hair do, and wishing Happy Birthday to her, I learned that I was being "fired." Didn't use the term "let go," no... FIRED. And I learned that I was not the only one being let go... The reason for my "firing" is because he feels that "I have too much potential for this place." and, All the while, I am thinking, as if this was all a joke. So, when, I was given the option of finishing out the week... I definitely took it, cause, again... I THOUGHT THAT IT WAS ALL A JOKE! But, on Wednesday March 16th, I learned that it was real, when I over heard a convo held by her, and another individual... So, once, I learned that it was real, I was DEVASTATED!!!

So, now, we are to the meat of this blog, and live as of now... I have learned in the past 5 days, that devastation is a collection of more than 6 different emotions. In this time, of learning of my firing, I went through disbelief, worry, depression, sadness, anger, betrayal, hurt, shock, and "that unexplainable, feeling, that is nothing short of what I think, and interprate "devastation" to feel like. Pure devastation literally feels like what I think a football would feel like on kickoff... once you're in the air, only got knows where, and when, and now you are coming down... sometimes, you get caught, sometimes, you get dropped, and sometimes, you got all the way out of bounds... but, that few seconds of air-time you just feel like you dont know what the fuck is going on... And, all the while, youre thinking of all the things that you did for one person, and try to make the situations better, and you're just coming up with all the times, you displayed love to the ones who ultimately hurt you so deeply, all the times, you've asked me to step it up, all the times, Ive stayed late, been fucked over, and still smiled, and laughed and hugged for 3 years... and shared millions of laughs, at thousands of bad jokes, and shared loved... All just boils to, this feeling, that I literally never felt ever, in my life... Devastation kills souls.

So, how is one to act while devastated? Well, I decided to drink a lot... A LOT! A lot, even for me... so, if you saw me on March 16-19, and I was talking a lot about all the drinking I did, and was planning on doing, I do apologize, for spilling out my guts about my feelings, about the events that happened this past week... It has been so hard to actually try to center my feelings about the entire thing, cause, I was literally kicked in the mouth of my heart. Cause, like mentioned in the last paragraph, Ive shared so much of who I really am with these people, that I still love, although I was thoroughly wronged by. So, playing out my interpertaion of this emotion, may have not been the healthiest, but, its what I did, and what Im healing from... My heart has dealt with a lot in the past 3 weeks, and I just know that God got my back. I will be alright... Ive already recieved so many job offers, that, its just a matter of choosing where I wanna work... So, Imma be ok. And I will be alright, to find jobs for friends who need it more than I. For example... On Friday, a friend of mines, who the bar manager at my favorite bar in Midtown, offered me a job on the spot... and, I politely declined, cause, my friend Sara, was in more of a need of a job than I ever will be... not saying that to say, that I will never have trouble finding a job. Who knows, I may end up having a very hard time finding one... But, she needed a job more than me, so I asked my friend to offer her the job... As of March 21, 2011, Sara will be working in The Atlantic Grille. And, it feels good to help those who needs it... She needed it, I have the pleasure, of being a great server, with a big heart, so, getting her a job at one of my favorite places, makes me feel great. but, I was still hurting...

March 20, 2011, was the hardest day to deal with in my life, so far... The day of my Grandmother Rubys' funeral, wasnt this hard... Anyone, and everyone knows, that I am a damn good, and damn hard worker... But, when you have the motivation, of being fired for no reason... Im sorry, no REAL reason, it kinda makes it hard, to wan to leave it better... Whats going to happen, Imma get a phone call from someone telling me to come in and sweep the game room? Whats gonna happen... Imma get fired (HA! IM FUCKIN FUNNY!!!)? But, it was the hardest night of my life... Ive never shared a collective moment of unhappiness, of the unexplained events, that lead to the loss of employment of me, an 5 of my family members. My now former co-workers were my family. Although we may have had our disagreements, our moments of love, laughter, and great times, and the stories. All my memories, will last, but, will not have the same feel, like it has been, when, I thought, I was loved... I do hope Imdoing a good job, but IM trying my best to express my anger without being angry... IM trying to maintain my appreciation of the last 3 years, that I gave to this company, and have invested into everyone who was proud to work there... The people, I've encountered, the beautiful lives that Ive had the privilage to fall in love with, all, were just taken back to an emotion to where, its a smile, and not a smile and a laugh... you take away the laugh, all youre left with is, what feels like lies. That night, between the hugs, and the hurt, and the tears, I finally broke down. Early Monday Morning, March 21, 2011, I broke down into tears, asking "What did I do to deserve this?! What the FUCK DID WE DO!" And after a shot of Whiskey, and the love that Tyler showed me, by just listening, I finally got out my feelings of this whole week, and this whole year... I broke down, and I told the stories, of what I dont know, And the bullshit answer I got in my meeting... The passionate love and hurt that Scott showed me and Powell, The drilling of Emily by another family member, to get some sort of explaination of what the fuck is going on, And the tears out of another, displaying his hurt of the whole situation. Its been a journey, that I do not wish my worst enemy to ever experience...

So, what did I learn through all of this? Ive learned, that the people that you love, should definiately be checked... If there was actually some sort of honesty, and transparency, that, they preached, This whole blog would be in a different tone, and probably a hell of a lot shorter... But, to be devastated, the way that I was over something, that I probably will never know the HONEST TRUTH of, I am honestly left with a bitter taste in my mouth. I am not happy with how this whole situation happened, and, like I mentioned earlier... God will provide... he has provided me with that job, and he will provide me with something better, with people who will be real with me. Its definately been a hurricane of emotion for me, and I do not ever want to experienced EVER again. Make sure, that you know who are the people who will be real with you, regardless of the situation. Allow your employers to be real with you. Make sure that they are... As you can tell, Im not going to get into the details of all that I've learned, during this entire time of difficulty, but, I can tell you, that I will never look at those people the same way. As appreciative I am to have loved them, and recieve the love they gave me... Its gonna take a TRUE minute to show my face around there again. And to the rest of my family, Thank you for allowing me to fall in love with you. You will never go unloved for a long as I live...

And to end this blog (finally lol), I just want to thank EVERYONE who has loved me during this time. It will be rewarded, you've all seen me, at my most confused, most hurt, most sad, most depressed, and you were all there for me. God only knows, the depth of appreciation and love I have for yall... This was not an easy week, and not an easy way to end the month, but, just like with anything, life continues, and you just have to keep pressing forward. One particular friend of mines, was one of the most impactful in helping me through all this. Emma Shew, 3 years ago, was going through a hard time, and, I spontainiously written a poem to her, that she turned around to help me out through this... And it did... so, I share it with you now.

"I was sitting down and thinking how I could make it all better
But what I came up with, appeared to be a myth, and would hold the weight of a feather.
So with this little poem, I just want you to know, that All will be much better
As soon as you allow, what happened to somehow, turn into that feather."

Such is life... I cant promise Ill be on regularly, but, Im just so relieved to finally get it out. :) HAPPY READING GUYS!!!

ever wonder whats beyond the harizon?

Its always something SMALL that will get you out of the funk that you're in... As most of you know, last week, I lost a friend who was dear to me in my life... We weren't close, but, her impact on me, was definitely felt, and wont be forgotten... But, through the week, of questioning, and all that, I had my relief today... It came in the form of seeing a friends name pop up in one of my many ways of communicating... This friend of mines, is honestly an angel. And God sent her at the right time. :) It was a short conversation, just a catch up really... She let me know, how life was for her, I told her how life was for me, but, we had something in common, yet again, and it was beautiful, cause, It made life easier to deal with, in the since of getting over the loss, and just allowing life to move on... Cause, the best way to honor the dead, is to live your life to the fullest. and that may be in the same vein, as moving on, as being inspired through tragedy, as being willing to motivate yourself to be better in all ways possible... But, it only takes a small spark to set a forest on fire... Don't go off, and start setting forest fires, but, the metaphor is break out of the funk, and find a reason to smile, and move on. :) Its about time I made lemonade... cause, the lemons were piling up. Good night :)